Dear Agnes,

I’m a blunt man and I’ll come straight to the point! You, it’s said, have a finger in every pie and you know how to grease the wheels of government! Can you put some suitable award in my direction? I mean, surely I deserve to be decorated for my community and charitable efforts?

Is it too late to win a mention in the Prime Minister’s New Year’s Honours List?

I’m not interested in some paltry MBE or BMW. Oh no! It’s a knighthood I’m after!

I appreciate I may have to curtail my criticisms somewhat. Perhaps even withdraw that latest video of the Rev Dubya of the Church of the Latter Day Morons! That may even be a sine qua non. 

But I could do that!

I was told you are on first-name terms with the delicious Cherry Pie! 

Well, everybody knows her penchant for the filthy lucre, so you have my authorization to assure her that there’ll be a little something in it for her, too!

Ask her if it’s true that the Right Honourable Tony plans to apply to enter the Catholic faith after his retirement. For if it’s so, I’ve good news!

I’ve got some influence there and could help ease his passage!

Yours truly,

 Dear Ed,

Downing Street refused to reply directly to my query on your behalf.

Instead, they’d like you to turn up for a rendezvous on the SW apron of Shannon International Airport on Boxing Day, where an unmarked US 'rendition' plane awaits to ferry you to your unnamed destination.

Do you fancy a winter holiday in Romania or Bulgaria?

Agnes

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