Often the hotel had an integral nightclub that pumped dreadful beat music into the early hours. It wasn’t just the sound that upset, though the repetitive beat – like those terrible mobile discos driven by baseball-capped youths that use our avenue as a racing strip into the wee small hours – does tend to infuriate and exacerbate wakefulness.

The thought that others were having a good time while I was locked up in my lonely hotel room usually drove off all thoughts of slumber. Then there was the fact that a bar was still serving downstairs. No degree of concentration on the busy day tomorrow could drive off these thoughts and induce sleep.

I have had years of experience in attempting to overcome these obstacles. So I just knew I could fulfil the essential criteria for this advertised post.

The Hilton Hotel chain wished to appoint a Director of Sleep for the benefit of its guests. The job would pay £60000 a year and the successful applicant would be required to examine bedsprings and mattresses, all bedrooms’ lighting, colour patterns and soundproofing. Indeed he (or she – though I expect they’d baulk at appointing a woman to such a post – surely they’d be beset with complaints of guests demanding a little extra ‘participation’ between the sheets?) would have to personally test most beds, requiring many hours of sleeping in different rooms.

Now I’m a world expert on sleeping. I never rise before afternoon if I can help it!

I have many thoughts on how to accommodate different guests.

Indeed I am in possession of dozens of half full boxes of sleeping pills. I once did a First Aid Course with the Boy Scouts, so I’m confident that would qualify me to dispense these!

I also have a Beginners’ Aerobics Qualification, and often all the guest needs is a fifteen-minute strenuous physical exercise routine.

There are other physical activities I like to indulge in when in the bedroom but these are too personal to note here. Anyway she’d have to be really attractive, willing and ...

 .. now I’m just dreaming ….

..... which is what my guest wants to be!

I could sit at their bedside and read them stories, as I used to do for my children.

I could sing lullabies also, though I’d like to choose to whom I’d do either of these!

But I’d be in the position to match the room numbers with the guest reservation list and decide which policy might best suit the person and the occasion.

You know, the more I think of it, the more I’m convinced this is my ideal job.
 

Would you put in a word for me?

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P.S.   Aren't these Google ads just so..oo appropriate?!?