Apostle Freddie of the Apostolic Reform Church in Cradock, Eastern Cape addressed the large crowd on behalf of his friend and fellow-minister, Apostle Dennis.

“He still fully intends to answer God’s call to join him in heaven”, he said.  The crowd was obviously disappointed.

“But his funeral has been rescheduled.  All I can say now is that he drank a small amount of soup on Monday simply to dispel the stigma of suicide.”

Fifty eight year old Dennis had notably failed to die despite promising to do so publicly.  He had invited the large crowd to see him die and be buried.  A spokesperson for the Cradock funeral parlour – that had dug his grave and had expected to be burying him – explained that..

“Dennis had a vision that his time on Earth was coming to an end.  He originally predicted his death would occur on the 28^th January so in December he went on a wild spending spree.

He didn’t die and now he can’t pay for all the things he bought.  Yesterday he said he’d definitely stopped eating and would die today, but I saw him in a café yesterday buying bread and milk.

He keeps postponing the moment, but some of the businesses he owes money to are very angry so I expect we’ll be burying him soon, one way or another”.