::: Newry Journal ::: - Stoned Again

...... up there in the Castlereagh hills yesterday morning when there was a sudden commotion and several dozen rowdies burst in, unannounced.

They were in jubilant mood.

Within minutes they had taken over, and set up a P.A. system, ready for a party.

‘Your first singer, Ladies and Gentlemen, will be today’s hero, Mr Michael Stoned”…

After sustained applause, he broke out in song – to the traditional air "Are you Right .."

“You may talk of collusion and gun-running

From across the Atlantical Sea

Of Provies and Stickies and now Dissidents

The Red Hand Commandos and me

I went for a stroll up to Stor-Mount

Me bombs and me guns in me hand

‘No Surrender’ I called to the Polis

As I sprayed “Provie Scum” on the wall

An’ I’ll swear as I stormed that ol’ lobby

I heared from a policeman, this call …..

CHORUS (join in everybody!)

You’re so right, there, Michael, you’re so right!

An’ you’ll give them aul’ Provies such a fright!

With their posing .. and imposings

An’ their maybes, and supposings ..

They’d have us all here disposing till tonight.”

Wonderful!

Incredible!

He went down like one of his own bombs!

The crowd wanted more!

“And, Ladies and Gentlemen," the M.C. continued,

"before Michael’s timely intervention this morning, the hero of the day, as we all know, was the Rev Ian Parsley.

A song from you, Ian.”

He had the microphone in his hand before you could say “Gerry Adams”.

Not that he ever needed a microphone. Or would soil his mouth with the infidel’s name!

The thunderous voice boomed out as he launched into his favourite ‘song and dance’ party routine - to the tune of "Lannigan's Ball"!

‘Six long months I spent in Crum – il –in

Six long months doing nothin’ at all

Six long months I spent in Crum – il –in

Learnin’ to dance for Magennis’s Ball

I stepped out, I stepped in again

I stepped out again, I stepped in again

I stepped out, I stepped in again

Learnin’ to dance for Adams’s Ball’.

Sadly, though the crowd was loving every word, the proceedings were again suddenly interrupted.

A uniformed figure grabbed the microphone from the Big Man’s grasp.

‘Orde’r here!’ roared the polis man.

Then he grinned at his own joke.

‘Hugh Orde, that is. Supreme Commander in Chief, RUC/PSNI - MI5 willing, that is!’

That brought them to attention, I’ll tell you.

‘Mr Stoned.

You are charged on six counts:

Attempted murder: Possession of articles for terrorist purposes: Possession of explosives: and possession of an imitation firearm.

Have you anything to say?’

‘Imitation? What do you mean, imitation?

Anyway, that’s just four counts.’

‘It is?

Oh yes. I meant, it is!

AND finally

bringing Stor-Mount and parliamentary democracy into even further disrepute.’

‘Very good, Hugh. True! True! I plead guilty to that one.

But you’ve still only got me on FIVE counts!’

‘Oh yes?

Well. Finally, again,

you made us all look like fools!’

‘Guilty again, Sir Hugh.

I certainly did do that!’

There was another unexpected commotion as an aged protester burst upon the scene – a former anti-nuclear demonstrator who has learned the error of his ways.

‘Ex – CUSE ME !!’

This was clearly a man of authority, who made decisions and expected them to be carried out.

‘My name is Peter Vain.

I can speak for the Prime Minister himself!’

That got everybody’s attention right quick. That's where the money was!

‘As we said yesterday

- and for that matter the day before, and even the day before that -

we have reached the end of the line here.

It’s decision day and tough decisions must be made and I’m the man to make them!

We can’t have people forever elected to an Assembly that doesn’t meet and doesn’t do anything, even though we’re paying out millions of pounds in salaries to them.

So I’ve come to a tough decision.'

There was a pregnant pause at this announcement!

He cleared his throat, significantly.

'We will have yet another election to yet another ghost Assembly in the Spring, to be held, appropriately enough, on Groundhog Day!'

... he dramatically revealed!

'After that, the newly re-elected identical faces will have to decide – once more – whether they will do the jobs for which they are paid – or whether to continue to leave all these tough decisions to me.

Tough decisions like the one I had to make today!’

There was a dramatic delay while the news gradually sank in.

Then, when realization dawned – that the gravy train would lumber on endlessly – the whole room erupted into sustained applause.

I caught excited snatches of phrases coming to me from all sides.

“Four More Years!”

“Goody! Yet another Plebiscite. Good old plebs.”

“Hurrah for democracy”.

“Good ol’ Peter”.

But he hadn’t finished! Turning with disdain to Orde, he went on,

“AND release that innocent man IMMEDIATELY!”

Stoned broke free.

Luckily my pint was finished and I turned to go.