Dear Former Boss,

I wish to express in advance my gratitude for the glowing reference you are about to compose that will further my future career.

This at least is true, despite your nastiness in sacking me peremptorily and merely out of personal animosity. You cannot abide to share the workplace with any one much more talented and more intelligent than you.

While I am on the despicable subject of your person, I think you ought to know that you are universally despised in the company for your many failings and shortcomings and for your inability to recognise and utilise the talent all around you.

Also frankly, for being just a ‘dirty old man’.

Every female in the office resents your forced presence, leaning over our shoulders and ‘brushing’ against us as you pass. You might be grateful also to be informed that you suffer from halitosis. If there was any one who loved you, you would have known this long ago.

Now, do something about it!

Why I hear you ask, am I so confident of that reference?

Well, you may remember that time you borrowed the office digital camera ‘for your mother’s party’. I downloaded the photos – which, as the techno-moron you are, you forgot to/were unable to erase. 

It is some months ago now, so perhaps you need reminding of the antics you got up to.

Why, I wonder, would an ageing Lothario who is so signally unendowed physically, want to photograph himself naked in the bathroom mirror?

Did it not occur to you that no other adult male would have been able to do that with a sauce bottle? Even presuming there was one who wanted to? Have you no self-respect?

And you had the gall to record it all in stunning movie mode?

I suspect you will quickly become the rising star (ahmm!) of YouTube on the web – that is, if the glowing reference is not in my post in-box by Wednesday next.

Assuming this is the final communication I will ever be compelled to have with you.

Your recent Personal Assistant

Erica Neatbohm