The school teacher arriving at JFK in New York was found to have in his possession one compass, a protractor and a scientific calculator. He was arrested and sent to Quantanamo Bay, Cuba for importing weapons of maths instruction.

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The recorded phone message I reached, said:

I’m not available at the moment, but I thank you for caring enough to call. I’m making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I don’t return your call, you’re one of the changes.

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Volunteers at a charity shop have walked out after their manager was suspended over a poster hanging in the window.

I was a little anxious about the quality of the bottled drinking water at the Mediterranean resort. "Oh, very clean water, sir", I was assured, "Personally passed by the manager".

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My five year old grandson was informed that his younger cousin would soon be starting also at his school.

"Tell her she’s making a big mistake!" he advised.

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At the tanning salon I was under the lights for so long that the protective shades left a big white circle round each eye. I tried to ignore it until, shortly after in a supermarket queue, I felt a tug at my shirt and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me.

"Are you giving out balloons?" he asked.

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