Grossly overweight Mourne Pig Farmer, 42 years old, Gemini, seeks petite young lady from the Newcastle area for tango sessions, belly-dancing etc. Must enjoy all that jiggling! Must be under 30 years of age, pretty and unafraid of hard work. It might be an advantage if your olfactory sense is not overly sensitive.

Following a recent sad bereavement, teetotal Banbridge man (RC) seeks replacement mammy. Must like washing, ironing and household chores.

Kilclief man in desperate need of romance. Anything considered. Really! Anything at all.

Bitter, disillusioned Bangor man, lately rejected by long-term fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a creature still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced she-devils.

Ginger-haired Hilltown hoodie, likes getting slit-eyed and high at weekends, seeks attractive, wealthy lady (any age) for bail purposes … maybe more, if you get my meaning!

Artistic Ardglass woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer of similar ilk. No ‘oul funny business, mind!

Interesting chartered accountant, Annaclone, 42, seeks female for marriage purposes only. No timewasters.

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed auld eejit, Kilcoo, would share his damp cottage with young, attractive, female, nymphomaniac immigrant.

Attractive Warrenpoint lady (Winner, Miss Wrangler Competition 1978) recovering alcoholic who’s not afraid to cry, seeks sympathetic, patient male (any age considered)

Wealthy well-endowed young male seeks alibi for the night of August 15^th.  I’ll make it worth your while.

Optimistic Bredagh man seeks blond, pretty, double-jointed 20 year-old who’s enthusiastic about sexual conjunction and whose parents own a pub.

Drumaness farmer seeks woman with a front end loader for a 205 tractor. Picture of loader necessary for verification purposes.