• Frank Woodley - "I phoned the swine flu hotline and all I got was crackling."

• Alex Maple - "Michael Jackson only invented the moonwalk so he could sneak up on children."

• Phil Nichol - "She's got a face like a rare Chinese vase –

 minging."

• Alistair McGowan - "I've just split up from my girlfriend, which is a shame, because it was a long-standing arrangement.

Perhaps if we'd sat down a bit more..."

• "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"

Paddy Lennox - "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg.

I thought:

'This could be interesting'."

 Sarah Millican - "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong."

Zoe Lyons - "I went on a girls' night out recently.

The invitation said 'dress to kill'.

I went as Rose West."

Jack Whitehall - "I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us.

He's not dead,

just very condescending."

Adam Hills - "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex.

You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough."

Marcus Brigstocke - "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!"

Rhod Gilbert - "A spa hotel?

It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble."

Dan Antopolski - "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar.

Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't."

Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) - "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder.

 So I didn't finish a lot of them."