::: Newry Journal ::: - Eejit's Ireland : 3

Then back through the Gap of Mountnorris and home by Blackwater again

Where the girls are so hale and so hearty, none fairer in Erin go bragh

Ah, but where are the boys that can coort them like the Boys from the County Armagh.

ADAM'S STORY Mickey Quinn 12th Nov. 1998

Howareyis?. You all know I was the first man. What yiz maybe don't know is that I was the first Irishman as well, an' that the Garden of Eden was situated just outside Loughgall in County Armagh, the apple-orchard of Erin's Green isle.

Now, before I start, you can forget them stories about me an’Eve runnin' roun' in the nude. I mean, nobody runs roun' in the nude in Loughgall. Apart altogether from the coul', like, you just try it an' you'll see what I mean.

I know I'm not very popular - when a man's down, he gets kicked, an' I’ve been blamed for a lot o' things I never done - blame Adam, everythin’s his fault. But one o' the worst slanders I heard was that people was sayin' my mammy an' daddy was apes. How would you like me to be goin' roun' saying that your mammies and daddies was apes? No matter what your mammies an' daddies looks like. Anyway it's not true, I never come from apes, sure, there’s a huge difference between a man and a male ape. I mean, apes fight and they’re aggressive whereas a man will always sit down when there’s a problem and be reasonable and talk it out. As well as that, apes smell and they don’t wash themselves, you couldn’t say that about men, I mean, some if my friends even washes their hands after goin’ till the toilet. Naw, we’re not bad cratures, now, I might have stole a wee apple, but you know it wasn’t my fault, it was her put me up till it.

But I’m skippin’ on too fast. You see, I was all alone at first. I was in the orchard this day, an' I was a bit depressed. Och, you know the way you get down. No job, no football, no sex. Bored. Nobody to talk to except myself - an' God!! Garden of paradise me ass! After a while I nodded off - an' then, I dunno how long it was, I woke up to find this woman lyin' beside me. Well here, a woman, lying beside me - I thought I was dreamin'.

"Who're you?" says I, "Would you be a McAvinchey or a Hughes?" (Every second one roun’ Armagh is either McAvinchey or Hughes.)

"No," says she, "My name's Adam's, Eve Adams - or Adam's Eve, whichever you like. An' I've just thought of a wee game," says she, "Take off them animal skins and I'll take off mine, and we'll see if we can count all the differences between us."

Aw, sure it was great fun - we counted nineteen differences - she had two teeth missin' an' a dimple on her nose, an' I had a few pimples on my arm, an' a mosquito bite an' a missin' rib - an' she had an ingrowin' toenail an' that.

Anyway, then we played doctors an' nurses, an', ac sure, one thing led till another, an' I noticed my wee depression began to lift up.

We'd a great time after that for the next fortnight. Orgies I think it's called. Orgies o' food an' drink, an' lots o' laughs makin' up Knock Knock jokes. I was the best at them. "Knock, knock," says I Who's there," says she. "Adam," says I. "Adam who?" says she. "Ada made a wee blackberry tart," says I, "If you'd a picked the blackberries."

"That reminds me," says she (after she'd stopped laughin', like, at my joke) "The morrow's Halloween an' I need to make an apple tart. Come on out with me," says she, "To Loughgall.

Now, I need to explain. We weren't allowed to touch the Loughgall apples. You see, Armagh's a great county for apples, the orchard of Ireland an' all that, but I'm sure you must a noticed, the apples themselves is jus' poor enough. An the Loughgall Bramblies is about the best o' them. So it was a kind o' test to see would we prog them if we were tole not to.

We comes to Loughgall, but I had other ideas. "Eve,”says I, “Listen, we'll not go no further. Why don’t we just sit down here an' play our own wee Halloween games, for," says I, (coinin' a phrase) (singing.) "Where is the boy that can coort you like the boy from the County Armagh?"

"No," says see, "Pleasure before business - apples first. Go you up into the tree an' throw me down a few of them nice red ones."

You all know the rest. We progs the apples that we were tole not to touch. An hour later, God comes to get an apple, and all the best ones is gone. He was awful annoyed. What got into you, Adam?" he says to me.

Och, God, says I, You mean what got into her !

Oh, says God, Don’t say no more. I should a left your rib where it was, Adam.

"Oh, aye, blame me." says Eve, "Typical men! Yis two sneaky wee snakes!"

(grimace) She shouldn't a said that. God took it very thick. “Out!” says he, “Nobody calls me a snake. Out! The pair o yiz!”

He driv' us out in the direction if hungry Monaghan. We got as far as Ballymacnab an' we settled down there till a dull sort o' life. No dacent apples except the few we had in our pockets. No more knock knock jokes - well, I kept makin' them up, but Eve never laughed at them no more - she would just say, "Funny, funny - if you've nothin' better to do, will you lift that chil' an' change it's nappy. I'll knock-knock you."

I'm tellin' you, life changed after that.

In fact, I wrote a wee song in case anybody'd ever be tempted to get into the same trouble. You've maybe heard the corrupted version, "Froggie went a courtin'." The proper words is, "A-proggin' an' a-courtin'." I suppose I should teach you the chorus first.

Will you try this –

Hm-hm.

That's the chorus.

You've to sing it twice.

(Air: Froggy went a courtin’)

"A-proggin' an' a-courtin' we did go. Hm-mm.

"A-proggin' an' a-courtin' we did go,

Me in the nude an' Eve also.

Hm-mm.

I took my missus upon my knee, Hm-mm.

Took my missus upon my knee,

Reach up, says she, "An get an apple for me, Hm-mm.