Going through the papers recently, I noted down these snippets with a view to sharing them with you.

Paul Copeland, the Resident Magistrate, warned the offender that his actions could have had very serious consequences.  He banned John Ward from driving for 18 months and fined him £400.

In a bid to elude the pursuing police, Ward had driven off the road at Meigh, South Armagh and along the railway line.  His action, it must be noted, did little to help relieve the area of its unwarranted reputation as Bandit Country.

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‘A Secondary School teacher of my acquaintance noted how he surreptitiously, on the first day of the new term, distinguished those of the new intake who came to him from the Christian Brothers’ Primary School.

“I’d ask a question from the Catechism, like ‘Who made the world?’ All chanted the answer in unison, rote-learned by children no matter what Catholic school they had attended.  The Christian Brothers’ pupils however, simultaneously ducked, for fear that by some chance it was the right answer to the wrong question and to avoid the inevitable swift retribution.’’

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There was an interesting advert seeking workers.  Peter Fitzpatrick Asphalt Ltd are seeking a Screws-Person.  The successful applicant will be enthusiastic and health and safety conscious.  Experience desirable but not essential as training will be given on the job.

No!  You cannot apply for the training course only!

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Distinguish between an economic recession, and a depression?  It’s a recession when your neighbour loses his job, but a depression when you lose yours.

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The fussy client at the B&B enquired, ”Is your house clean?’’  Ýes’, was the reply.  “Is yours?”

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Catharsis is caused by Committees in endless meetings.
A camel is a horse designed by a Committee!

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Some advice for easier living.

1 Don’t marry for money.  It’s cheaper to borrow it.
2 There’s a fine line between a hobby and a mental illness (I must stop updating this site so frequently!)
3 Don’t mix prescription drugs [especially, for example, laxatives and sleeping pills!]
4  Don’t take other drugs!
5 People who wish to share their religious beliefs with you, don’t wish to share in yours.
6 Separate your life and your career.
7 Irishmen can’t dance!  Never mind, just do it!
8 Until it’s surely not true any more, never, ever suggest to a woman that she might be pregnant!  That is, wait till the baby is born, and remark, Í didn’t even notice you were pregnant!’’
9 After age ten, never trumpet your birthday.
10 If he/she is nice to you and rude to others, he/she is rude!
11 Try something new!
12 Love those who it’s not easy to love.
13 Live in God’s image.
14 Stop making lists!

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