[Before reading this, please note the caveats expressed in the previous story, The Art of Storytelling]. 

I was talking of P J Brannigan.  Well, he was the great man for travelling.
He was in Crete that often he had a girlfriend there be the name of De Milo. 
She belonged to the Heraklion De Milos.
Venus, her name was. 
According to P J she was the powerful woman altogether for she invented the world’s first ever sleeveless T-Shirt.

He went to Berlin too, for it reminded him of his hero, John F Kennedy.  He made a speech there one time.  How’s this it went, now? 
Och aye, it was …’ich bin ein binliner’. 

He knew China too and developed a quare turn for the language.  He says to me one time … do you know, says he, what CHOP SUEY is Chinese for?  And of course I didn’t.  Says he, with great authority,

CHOP SUEY is Chinese for ‘number forty seven.’

While the television was still a new-fangled article in his house, he couldn’t talk about anything else.  I met him one morning on the road and he says to me, says he..
“Were ye watching the television last night?’
‘I was,’ says I, - cause I was!
‘Had ye got it switched on?’ says he.
‘I did’, says I.  
The ladies tennis final was on.  That’s a good few years back.
‘Did ye see yar wan winning?  Wasn’t she massive altogether. 
What’s this her name was? 
Ah yes.. NAV-RAT-I-LOVA.’
‘That’s right,’ says I. ‘A quare name altogether.  NAV-RAT-I-LOVA.’
‘Aye.  And she had a first name too.  Aye.  MAR-TI-NA!’
‘MAR-TI-NA NAV-RAT-I-LOVA’, says I.
‘MAR-TI-NA NAV-RAT-ILOVA’, says he. 
‘MAR-TI-NA NAV-RAT-I-LOVA’. 
And we were hitting the name forward and back a while, like we were playing tennis too.  Then all of a sudden he stopped and looked at me.

‘Now, which one of the NAVRATILOVAS would she be?’

He was up in India one time.  Or In’ja, as he called it.  He was out on a lake fishing for pike.  With a nail gun!  And what did he do, only he put a hilty nail through the bottom of the boat.  Luckily enough he was just beside this wee island in the middle of the lake.  Aye, Woody Island, it was called.  And he managed to wade over to it.

And it was just an oul dump.  People used this island for a dump.  A hape of tin cans – and Milk of Magnesia bottles on it.  People found this very handy, for if you have a dump on an island, no one’s gonna rogue anything off it. 

He was sitting there, hoking through the rubbish heap, when he came across an aul billycan.  Ah, just an aul wreck of a billycan, all dented and blackened and that.  But he thought, ‘sure I could clean it up and take it home, and maybe get a bitta use outta it.  Keep aul bent nails or something in it.  So he spat on the billycan and gave it a rub.  And what came out only a genie.

‘I, am the Genie, of the billycan,’ says he. 

‘You have one wish!’

Wee, poor P J was caught on the hop, and all he could say was..
‘I wish I was home and dry in my bed.’

‘Now,’ says the Genie.  ‘That’s a very simple wish and I’ll make sure you’re magiced home.  But I’ll give you a wee bit of a bonus too.  You’ll be lucky for the rest of your life.’ 

And with that, the Genie disappeared into thin air. 

He was going a bit thin on the top, you see.

Then who did P J see rowing across the lake only Oweny McGovern.  And Owney says, ‘I’ll give you a lift.’  Owney hadn’t the nerve to ask him why he was sitting on the island with no boat.  Anyway he brought him home and dropped him at the bottom of the lane where he lived. 

As P J was walking up the lane, what did he see – stuck in the branch of a sally tree – only a ten pound note.  And he thought,

‘maybe that Genie was right when he told me I was going to be lucky for the rest of my life!’ 

 He took the £10 note with him.

The next day he had to go into the market and he thought to himself,

‘I’ll buy myself five Woodbine – I have the £10 note .. I’ll be rightly fixed up.’  But on his way he had to pass an aul betting shop.  So he went in there and he looked at the list of horses’ names on the wall.  There were races here, there and everywhere!  And wasn’t there a horse that day running at the Curragh by the name of ‘Would he or wouldn’t he?’  And he thought,

‘ I’m after coming from Woody Island. Maybe this is a lucky sign.’

So didn’t he put the full tenner on the horse.  Well, I have to tell you.  It came in first.  At 100/1.  So he had … who’s good here at mental arithmetic? Let me see, he had £10,000.  Amn’t I right?  £10,000?  Ten pounds by a hundred?  Well, it’s something like that! 

(If corrected, he may rejoin, ‘Well, it’s good to see we have a ‘Cross man in tonight!’)

OK, so he had £1,000.  And he looked back up on the wall.  There was a list of runners at Cheltenham and among them was a horse called ‘I Dream of Genie’.  So he thought, be gob, I might have a couple of bob on that!  I’ll buy the fags another day.

He put the whole £1,000 down on ‘I Dream of Genie’ and doesn’t she romp home at 100/1.  So now he has £100,000. 

Correct me if I’m wrong!

And he was nearly out of the shop when, out of the corner of his eye, didn’t he spot a horse by the name of SHIPWRECK.  And he says, now that might be a lucky sign  here .. so he puts the .. what is it? .. £100,000 on the SHIPWRECK of a horse.  And she comes in first!  At 100/1.  So he had.. eh.. £10 million? 

No, don’t laugh.  I’m right this time!  Check with yer man over there!  [The previous mathematician!]

Well, there’s no way the turf accountant had £10 million behind the counter, but he gives P J a big wad of notes and gives him a promissory note for the rest.  Happy as Larry, P J leaves and as he was walking down the street, he thought,

Dammit, I’ll buy the 5 Woodbine today after all!

He put a £5 down on the shop counter to pay for the Woodbine, but before he could pick up the change, doesn’t another hand alight on his change and he puts his hand on the other hand!

And it’s a very fine hand indeed – golden brown – with long, slim and tender fingers and manicured and painted nails – ah, beautiful nail varnish!  And P J lifts his head and looks into the most beautiful eyes of the most ENCHANTING WOMAN he had ever seen in his life.  She could have been an Indian Princess – she was so beautiful.

And in fact, it turned out she was an Indian Princess!  She wore a long flowery dress.  A sari, I think it’s called.  And a veil.  And she had a wee red spot on her forehead, right between her eyes.  It was love at first sight for P J and it was love at first sight for the poor dumb Indian Princess – God bless her!

So they did a bit of courting and they decided to get married.  And they decided to get married over beyond in India, where her da had a bit of an oul house.  The Taj Mahal was the name on it.  And they had this big feast.  And the wedding day was something else altogether!  There was people singing and dancing and there was flowers everywhere.

And the wedding night was a grand affair altogether too.  There was underwear everywhere. 

And P J woke up the next morning and he was afraid to open his eyes for fear that it would all go away.  And he finally opened his eyes and he looked at the ceiling and there was a very delicately wrought curlicue there.  And he turned around and he sees his bride’s beautiful hair spread out over the pillows.  And he still thought his luck could not hold out.

And she was asleep and he sees the little red spot.  He was fascinated.  He reached over to touch the little red spot and doesn’t it come away on his finger!  And he looks at her beautiful forehead, and there, where the spot had been, written on her forehead were the words..

‘You have just won a Toyota Avensis!’
 

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