|
Dear Agnes,
I think I’ve finally got your measure and that’s the reason I’m seeking your support and advice.
Don’t you just wholeheartedly agree with the Government Report of last week that our people are much too self-indulgent? Our nation is frankly obese with over-eating; spaced-out on banned drugs; permanently drunk with bingeing on alcohol; rampant with sexually-transmitted diseases; and determined to infect us innocents with their carcinogenic secondary smoke from their endless chain-smoking in public arenas.
It is good that H.M. Government has finally woken up. But we would like your aid too.
I am the Secretary of the newly-formed CHASTE group (Catholic Heroines Against Sex, Tippling and Excess). We hold our weekly meeting in our local Church Hall, where we light candles for the depraved and burn incense to exorcise evil spirits.
Then we pray for all lost souls. Wouldn’t you like to join us?
Yours truly,
Winifred Snow
Dear Winnie,
I use this pet expression since we clearly are such kindred spirits!
Allow me to draw your attention to the results of a recent scientific study undertaken by Drs Theo de Kok and Erica Bohl of the University of Maastricht into the purity of the air in the average church building.
Particulates – solid particles floating in air of diameter ten microns or less – are particularly carcinogenic and penetrating, lodging in the lungs. They comprise of soot, metals, fats and carcinogens.
After just a few hours burning of candles and/or incense the air is contaminated to a level more than twenty times that permitted by European Law. Incense-burning especially causes high concentrations of polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons. It also unleashes free radicals, rogue molecules blamed for damaging lung tissue and triggering a range of inflammatory reactions such as asthma and chronic bronchitis.
In light of all this – and in view of today’s Government announcement of their intention to crack down on terrorist organisations - I’m afraid you leave me no alternative but to report CHASTE as just such a terrorist organisation and recommend that all Committee members be immediately transported for interrogation to Guantanimo Bay, Cuba.
Agnes
|
Fun Stuff 
