jokes old and new

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This topic contains 149 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  Pictionary 5 years, 9 months ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 149 total)
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    the watcher

    Two old women met for the first time in years. The conversation went as follows:
    ‘Mary, God it’s good to see you. I thought your were dead.’
    ‘Well why didn’t you come to my funeral?’
    ‘Sorry I was sick and did not find out till a month later.’
    ‘Well I did not see you at my months mind. Oh sorry you were sick. I am sorry I did not go to see you in hospital but I was dead.’
    ‘That’s ok. Got to go now. Keep in touch and let me know when you die so I can get to your funeral.’


    biggest joke of the year.
    I.m a fan so what does that make me>>>>>>>>


    the watcher

    I used to work for the Samaritans and rang in sick one day. They talked me out of it!


    the watcher

    A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy
    about having to sell condoms to the public.
    The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she
    would be willing to run the shop on her own.
    She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

    “Look,” he said. “My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they’ll
    ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large].
    The word condom wont even be used.

    The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the
    shop, put out his hand and said “350”..

    The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of
    her predicament.

    “Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his
    legs” her boss told her.

    She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between
    his legs. “Yes “!!!! she said ” He’s got one hanging there”….!

    The boss said “Go back in and give him £3-50………………….He’s
    the Window cleaner”!!!!!!!



    Daddy, daddy… Why is it that everyone calls me stupid?
    – I don’t know kid; I am not your daddy.


    the watcher

    A couple were getting fed up with the barking of the dog next door. It went on for days and even when they went to complain there was still no respite. The husband decided to take the law into his own hands. The wife watched as he stormed out of the house and then she heard the barking getting closer and closer. The husband came in and the wife asked him what he had done. He replied ‘ I have tethered him in our garden. Now see how they like it!!!!!’



    This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop checked the man’s driver’s license, he said, “You’re wearing glasses on your ID and you’re not now. I’m going to have to give you a ticket.”
    The guy said, “Officer, I have contacts.”
    The cop said, “Look, buddy, I don’t care who you know, … I’m giving you a ticket.”


    oak tree

    A prisoner in a Dublin court to the justice; I was sober enough to know I was drunk.


    the watcher

    I came home from work today and the wife wasn’t there. She left a note on the TV, ‘It is not working. I am leaving.’ Well I switched it on and it worked at once.Stupid woman.


    oak tree

    From the” Newry Telegraph,”When they stood up to sing, there was not an empty seat in the house.


    oak tree

    The reason why my father was poor, he was a blacksmith in a one horse town.


    the watcher

    Talking to a friend of mine who was down in the dumps.
    ‘Why the long face?’
    ‘I lost my job last night.’
    ‘What happened, old friend?’
    ‘ Well I was in the pub at closing time and the barman was shouting ‘Have you no homes to go to!’ I left and went to work and when I went in I shouted the same thing and they fired me.’
    ‘That’s terrible. What were you working at?’
    ‘In a Salvation Army hostel.’


    oak tree

    Jack, my wifes an angel. Mick, your lucky mines still alive.


    oak tree

    A man writing a leter of condolence to the widow of a late colleague said, I cannot tell you how sorry I was to hear that your husband has gone to heaven. We were great friends and it sad to think that we will never meet again.


    the watcher

    I went to the doctor and complained to him that I was deaf in my left ear.
    He looked into it and said ‘Do you know you have a suppository in your ear?’
    I thought ‘Now I know where I put my hearing-aid.’

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