jokes old and new

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This topic contains 149 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  Pictionary 5 years, 2 months ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 106 through 120 (of 149 total)
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  • #11207

    Pictionary
    Participant

    There are only two rings in marriage, “the wedding ring” and “the suffering

    #11572

    oak tree
    Participant

    He’s been married so often, his certificate says. “To whom it may concern.”

    #11700

    Pictionary
    Participant

    Sign in a Police Station: It takes about 3500 bolts to put a car together; but only one nut to scatter it all over the road.

    #11706

    oak tree
    Participant

    Tom’s circus was so unsuccessful even his elephants have forgotten when they had their last booking.

    #11771

    Pictionary
    Participant

    An executive was interviewing a young woman for a position in his company. He wanted to learn something about her personality, so he asked, “if you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?”

    She quickly responded, “The living one.”

    #11822

    oak tree
    Participant

    Here’s to alcohol—the cause of, and solution to,all of life’s problems. (Homer Simpson)

    #11868

    the Watcher

    This is a true story. I was in ‘Meat Boutique’ in Hill Street Newry getting my ingredients for my fry. They had a sign outside the door stating that ‘All of our beefburgers contain only Beef. They are sourced from our farms so we know what is in them’. I got talking to the butcher about this and said that they must very happy with the way things are going for family butchers. He replied,’ Yes we are. We just can’t keep up the amount of burgers people are buying. They are galloping out of the shop.’ Newry people can be very funny at times.

     

     

    #11923

    Pictionary
    Participant

    Glen, why do you always get so dirty? Asked the teacher.
    Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are. He replied.

    #12034

    oak tree
    Participant

    A woman is telling her friends.  Of course it was me who made my husband the millionaire  he is today”.” What was he before you got married” ?asks a friend.  “A billionaire” replies the woman.

    #12152

    Pictionary
    Participant

    A sign posted in a Dentist’s office said:

    “Please be nice to our dentists. They have fillings too.”

    #12297

    the Watcher

    My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.  

    The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog

    could then hear fine.

     

    The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should

    go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.   

    Andrea went to the store and bought some “Nair” hair remover.  At the register, the pharmacist

    told her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.”

    Andrea said, “I’m not using it under my arms.”

    The pharmacist said, “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t use body lotion for a couple of days.”

    Andrea replied, “I’m not using it on my legs either.  If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.” 

     

    The pharmacist says, “Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week.”

    #12370

    oak tree
    Participant

    Belfast playwright Joe Tomelty said. ” If there’s music in hell it’ll be the bagpipes.”

    #12620

    oak tree
    Participant

    From the Dublin Opinion;  The curse of it is that when your learning golf you hit nothing , and when you are learning to drive you hit everything.

    #12699

    Pictionary
    Participant

    A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store. When the store opened, a client comes in, and asks one of the clerics: are you the fish fryer? Oh, no, the cleric answers, I’m the chip monk!

    #13240

    oak tree
    Participant

    A letter from a Dublin firm.  We beg to inform you that vacancies are full.

Viewing 15 posts - 106 through 120 (of 149 total)

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