adminwp September 27, 2005
Portaloo

Toilet experts have gathered in Belfast for a conference to explore issues of public lavatory standards in countries across the globe.  It is the first World Toilet Summit to be held outside the Far East.  Delegates come from such sectors as public health and educational authorities, hospitality and tourism bodies as well as toilet providers.

The Bog Standard campaign to raise the calibre of Northern Ireland‘s school toilets is also being launched. It wants to “bring awareness of the health and learning benefits of better toilets for pupils”, a statement said.  The campaign will also encourage schools to allow pupils to use the toilets when needed. It’s thought this will put an end to pupils using toilets when they don’t need to! Should this motion be passed (!) it will be known as the Belfast Agreement.

‘They’re talking through their a**-h****!’ fumed local delegate, the Rev Ian Parsley. ‘The Belfast Agreement’s been flushed down the toilet years ago!’

More than 350 delegates from the US, Europe, Australia and the Far East will get a chance to see the latest innovations in toilet technology.  These will include a brand new pop-up urinal to be unveiled in Belfast‘s Shaftesbury Square.  It is concealed beneath the pavement during the day, but at night it rises hydraulically for use by late-night revellers.  Should anyone abuse it, it quickly pops back underground, complete with the vandal, where they both remain until the following night.   Parsey is demanding that one be installed in the  Republican lobby division up at Stormont. 

Delegates will also hear presentations such as Changing Washroom Behaviour, Public Toilet Excellence – The Singapore Model and Managing Crime in Public Toilets.  There’s a new automatic wipes dispenser on display that kicks itself and screams, ‘This f****** thing’s broke!’ when it fails to function. 

It was also revealed that the first stall in all public toilets is likely to be the least used and also the cleanest. It is understood that a Queens‘ student is taking a Ph. D. degree into the question of whether these two facts might have some correlation.  A colleague is studying, ‘Falling Standards of Humour in Toilet Graffiti’. 

At the Conference we learned that the average person visits the toilet 2,500 times a year. Investigators wondered when the number of daily visits by teenage boys showed up as just five, compared with the average seven. The dilemma was resolved when it was revealed that their each visit lasted 55 minutes compared with the average 11 minutes. 

It’s believed that something else happened in Belfast this week but nobody was interested in reporting on it.

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