Agnes: Betrayed

Dear Agnes,
Forgive my presumption but I know the signs.
I’ve been there and done that, read the book of the film and suffered the temper tantrums.
I’ll swear you are a classic case of a woman suffering from ‘the change of life’. 
Despite what you may have heard about it, I thoroughly recommend you try HRT (Hormone Replacement Treatment). 
I could not have come through these past few years without it.  Now my health is restored and my gentle temperament has returned.
You too could be like me if you really tried.
Yours truly,
Trudi Lopez
Hi Angela
Thought you’d fooled me there, didn’t you?
Couldn’t you have picked a less obvious alias than one derived from the name of your mother’s favourite singer?
It’s the dread that I might morph to become like you that drives me out of the house to work every morning!
I ought to warn you, you most ungrateful child, you have already been written out of my Will, and indeed of your father’s too, so your little plan will fail! 
So where did you hear that HRT increases the risk of early death from contracting fatal conditions such as cancer and heart problems? 
You surely didn’t read it.  Never could master the reading, eh dear??
And don’t think I haven’t noticed that lickspittle you employ hanging round my house with her loaded syringe ever ready to plunge into me! 
But the police have been informed and will blame you, no matter who wields the murder weapon.
Be a good girl and stop interrupting mummy while she’s at work!
There, now.  Go away!!  Annoy your dad instead.
Your darling Mum!

(Editor’s note: Since this last entry, Agnes Dayee has been taken ill and will be temporarily indisposed!  How temporary will depend on the authority’s interpretation of the Fair Employment Law; that law which requires that we take our quota of ‘people like that’ on to our Staff!!)

Agnes: Terrorists Incensed!

Dear Agnes,
I think I’ve finally got your measure and that’s the reason I’m seeking your support and advice.
Don’t you just wholeheartedly agree with the Government Report of last week that our people are much too self-indulgent?  Our nation is frankly obese with over-eating; spaced-out on banned drugs; permanently drunk with bingeing on alcohol; rampant with sexually-transmitted diseases; and determined to infect us innocents with their carcinogenic secondary smoke from their endless chain-smoking in public arenas. 
It is good that H.M. Government has finally woken up.  But we would like your aid too.
I am the Secretary of the newly-formed CHASTE group (Catholic Heroines Against Sex, Tippling and Excess).  We hold our weekly meeting in our local Church Hall, where we light candles for the depraved and burn incense to exorcise evil spirits. 
Then we pray for all lost souls.  Wouldn’t you like to join us?
Yours truly,
Winifred Snow.
Dear Winnie,
B——- Off, you whining, whinnying weasel.
Come anywhere near Newry Journal again, and you will be CHASTE!
Newry Journal