Agony Aunt

Agnes 1: Pram Collision

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Dear Agnes,
 
I was walking briskly in the stream of Christmas shoppers along Hill Street the other day when suddenly the single mother in front pushing her mewling, grotesque baby in its pram stopped sharply without indication or warning. 

I was uncontrollably propelled forward, colliding with the buggy and sustained an abrasion to my ankle.

 
I am writing to enquire whether you can offer any indication of what fair level of compensation I might claim for physical injury and the emotional trauma I have suffered, before I make my way to a reputable solicitor.
 
Yours truly
 
Liam Stroiller
 

Dear Liam,
 
Your letter leaves me puzzled! 
 
Was the young lady in question wearing a label saying ‘Single Mother’?  Otherwise how did you know she was?  How does a baby mewl?  What characterises a ‘grotesque’ baby?
 
Did you think they all should have been equipped with flashing indicator lights, or braking and/or hazard warning lights? 
 
By the way, what IS a reputable solicitor?  (Perhaps I should submit this to the Editor as an oxymoron?)
 
Are you, by any chance, a product of the Government’s ‘Care in the Community’ mental health programme? 
 
Did you forget to take your pills? 
 
Please include your full address when replying so I’ll know which end of town to avoid in future.
 
Yours insincerely
 
(Agony) Agnes Dayee
 

Agnes 2: All Goes Wrong!

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Dear Agnes,
 
Please help if ever you can! 

My whole life seems to be falling apart. 

My father was recently convicted for paedophile activities. 

My mother has just been arrested on a charge of prostitution. 

 
My husband and son are currently guests of Her Majesty for their nefarious activities, including drug-trafficking. 

My only daughter is ‘on the game’ and my youngest son is a supporter of Newry City F.C.

 
In your opinion, is there any hope for young Henry?

Will his team ever win a game?

 
Yours in desperation
 
Mona Bagful

 
Dear Mona,
 
Young Henry has to pass the Shamrocks grounds each time his team plays a home match.
 
Just reassure him that things could be much worse: he might have been a Shamrocks fan!
 
Agnes Dayee

Doggie-fashion

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Dear Agnes,

I have read your pages with sheer delight. You seem to be a very knowledgeable woman and now I need your kindly advice.

I am a long suffering mate; although my partner of eight years continues to show me undying love, she feeds and waters me regularly, she tells me when I have been good .. well ..ll ..ll ……ahhhh!!

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The School Run

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Dear Agnes,

My grand-daughter’s usual childminder will be unavailable for two weeks from Monday next (winter Caribbean holiday, apparently, with her fancy-man – or whatever name they put nowadays to these reprobates!) and I have been designated to ferry young Penelope to and from school.
 

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Agnes: SUV Drivers

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Dear Agnes,
‘You see much more, from a four by four’,  the slogan goes.  How true! 
 
From my elevated seat in my SUV, I see the great beauty of our countryside over the tops of the hedges. 

But I also look down and see men in their saloon cars picking their noses when they think no one is watching:  I see litter being freely dispensed through the open windows of these little cars.  I see bad driving.  And I see jealousy towards those of us fortunate enough to drive these modern vehicles.

 
You’re a woman of the world, Agnes!  You know we choose SUVs not because they are a status symbol but because they are so versatile, safe, impregnable and… well… better! 

I say ‘we’ for I’m certain you too are a ‘People Carrier’ woman!

 
Why must others always be so jealous? 
 
Is there any answer?
 
Gladys Superior
 
 
Dear Gladys,
 
Are you that woman who spoke to her scrawny kid as she turned into the school car-park,
 
‘And now that we’re off-road, all I have to do is pull this lever and it becomes a 4-Wheel Drive?’?
 
The staff in that school are teaching the four-times tables differently now: 4 by 1 equals 4: 4 by 2 equals 8: 4 by 3 equals 12: 4 by 4 equals selfish, stuck-up, opinionated  b***hes!
 
My readership may wish to know that SUV stands for Sports Utility Vehicle.  No owner ever indulges in any sport, bar baiting other road-users.  The furthest off-road these vehicles ever venture is the M&S car park.  
 
Perhaps M&S is too ‘common’ for you?
 
How dare you imply that you have anything in common with me, you arrogant woman?! 
 
Should I ever be misfortunate enough to encounter you on the public highway in my humble carriage, I shall do my utmost to run you off-road, where you belong!!
 
Agnes Dayee
 
 

New Years Honour?

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Dear Agnes,

I’m a blunt man and I’ll come straight to the point! You, it’s said, have a finger in every pie and you know how to grease the wheels of government! Can you put some suitable award in my direction? I mean, surely I deserve to be decorated for my community and charitable efforts?

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Dia Gnossis

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Dear Agnes,

My doctor gave me a sealed letter to present to my hospital consultant. Curious both about his reading of my ailment and of his opinion of me, I opened it, read it and resealed it in a new envelope on which I typed the consultant’s name (this originally was hand-written). 



Read moreDia Gnossis

Agnes rages!

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Dear Agnes,
 
I read in the Democrat that Councillor Lewis of Sinn Fein, the party that has overseen the greatest hike ever in Council rates, is trailing a further 12% rise this year.  This is at least four times the rate of inflation.  Then of course we will shortly be paying water rates too, courtesy of their inaction.  
 
They appear this time to have a magic wand however that can ‘achieve savings without damaging services or threatening jobs.’  Presumably while still sending Councillor Casey on further photographic safaris of Siberia!
 
Have they exchanged the blue skies of the Socialist Republic for the blue rinse brigade of the Conservative Party?
 
Or do you think by any chance there’s an election in the offing?
 
John Mitchel
 

 
Dear John,
 
You do a great disservice to Michael (Close The Harbours Behind Me!) Howard.  He doesn’t hide the fact that there must be severe pruning in Civil Service administrative jobs. 
 
Let’s say that Bertie (I’m A Socialist Too!) Ahearn has better credentials in that area.  As had Atilla the Hun.     
 
Count the number of candidates’ submissions to the local press.  Under twelve is form for the course.  Greater than that – expressing their concern/outrage/praise etc. for matters beyond their ken or control, and the election is just around the corner.  5th May, to be precise.
 
These candidates/Councillors have lent a new definition to the term, a ‘free press’.  The owners publish the ‘copy’ these people submit, so avoiding having to pay journalists.  So it’s free to the owners!  Apparantly readers don’t notice the difference.
 
 
Agnes
Newry Journal