Newry News and Irish Fun
Dear Agnes
Although I might now be described as middle-class (I own a period house [3 ‘sitting-rooms’!] in a rural setting (well, except that the countryside is dotted with similar mansions) a BMW and a Lexus – and a run around SUV of course) – there was a time when we had very little indeed.
Originally posted 2008-03-05 11:02:57. Republished by Blog Post Promoter
Dear Agnes
I’m relying on your discretion here, so don’t let me down.
I made my first fortune a few generations ago, and as well as money it gained me a fine filly. She soon turned fat and flabby and distinctly self-centred and after a few years she scarpered, taking the childer and a large share of my wealth with her.
The border here was a great thing then for smuggling cattle both ways and claiming export credits on both sides. So my problem is two-fold: what will I smuggle over the new soft-hard border, to restore my economic standing: and what’s the going price nowadays for a new, fresh wee filly?
I’m older now, I admit, but I still have a lot to offer. Everything’s still in fine working order, if you get my drift! I’m not a choosey man: she can be any colour, race or nationality, provided she has all her own parts and a nice firm body.
Advise me please. Stay away from the fags, drugs, diesel and cattle. I’m the expert there, if you know what I mean! If I go into the people smuggling, do you imagine I’d come across a suitable filly, all for myself?
Yours in expectation.
Ebenezer Screws.
Eb,
You probably think your pseudonym (no more Screws, for you, pervert!) and withholding your address protects your anonymity – but I have news for you!
We have already traced your location through your URL (never mind what it means – you’re too old and twisted to understand, even if it was explained to you.)
Listen for the knock on the door, idiot! That’d be the Garda (yes, we know you’re in the Kilcurry area. ) They are working with full cooperation with the PSNI, who are currently caging your wee hideout in Culloville, across that ‘hard-soft’ border.
See you in Court, you old goat!
Agnes
Dear Agnes,
I am plagued by the worst neighbours in the world, who constantly host all-night orgies with thump-thump-thump ‘beats’ going until dawn …
Dear Agnes
Our neighbours across the way are the most insufferable snobs who have irked just about everybody in the neighbourhood.
Dear Agnes,
My doctor gave me a sealed letter to present to my hospital consultant. Curious both about his reading of my ailment and of his opinion of me, I opened it, read it and resealed it in a new envelope on which I typed the consultant’s name (this originally was hand-written).
Dear Agnes
You are a lady noted for your deep compassion. Surely you, of all people, have a soft spot for Iris ?
Dear Agnes
We all need protection, sure, from terrorist bombers on aircraft, but the latest [Detroit] scare has brought considerably more disruption and discomfort to ordinary regular passengers. What are we to do?
Dear Agnes,
It was my wife’s idea in the first place that we hire a cheap immigrant female worker to help her with the chores.