Newry Journal

  Dear Agnes, I am plagued by the worst neighbours in the world, who constantly host all-night orgies with thump-thump-thump ‘beats’ going until dawn …  

Dear Agnes Our neighbours across the way are the most insufferable snobs who have irked just about everybody in the neighbourhood. 

Dear Agnes, My doctor gave me a sealed letter to present to my hospital consultant. Curious both about his reading of my ailment and of his opinion of me, I opened it, read it and resealed it in a new envelope on which I typed the consultant’s name (this originally was hand-written). 

Dear Agnes You are a lady noted for your deep compassion.   Surely you, of all people, have a soft spot for Iris ?

Dear Agnes We all need protection, sure, from terrorist bombers on aircraft, but the latest [Detroit] scare has brought considerably more disruption and discomfort to ordinary regular passengers.  What are we to do?

Dear Agnes, Why is it women’s knickers get larger as they get older?

Dear Agnes, It was my wife’s idea in the first place that we hire a cheap immigrant female worker to help her with the chores.  

Dear Agnes Although I might now be described as middle-class (I own a period house [3 ‘sitting-rooms’!] in a rural setting (well, except that the countryside is dotted with similar mansions) a BMW and a Lexus – and a run around SUV of course) – there was a time when we had very little indeed.

Dear Agnes, I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV …

Well Mrs or is it Ms Dayee, I have seen it all now… You on your soap box telling all those poor souls looking for guidance about high morals and standards…  what is the matter with you?  Is it one rule for you and one for them?