Agony Aunt Archives | Newry Journal

The School Run

August 1, 2021 by John McCullagh

Dear Agnes,

My grand-daughter’s usual childminder will be unavailable for two weeks from Monday next (winter Caribbean holiday, apparently, with her fancy-man – or whatever name they put nowadays to these reprobates!) and I have been designated to ferry young Penelope to and from school.

Agnes: SUV Drivers

July 26, 2021 by John McCullagh

Dear Agnes,

‘You see much more, from a four by four’, the slogan goes. How true!

From my elevated seat in my SUV, I see the great beauty of our countryside over the tops of the hedges.

But I also look down and see men in their saloon cars picking their noses when they think no one is watching: I see litter being freely dispensed through the open windows of these little cars. I see bad driving. And I see jealousy towards those of us fortunate enough to drive these modern vehicles.

You’re a woman of the world, Agnes! You know we choose SUVs not because they are a status symbol but because they are so versatile, safe, impregnable and… well… better!

I say ‘we’ for I’m certain you too are a ‘People Carrier’ woman!

Why must others always be so jealous?

Is there any answer?

Gladys Superior

Dear Gladys,

Are you that woman who spoke to her scrawny kid as she turned into the school car-park,

‘And now that we’re off-road, all I have to do is pull this lever and it becomes a 4-Wheel Drive?’?

The staff in that school are teaching the four-times tables differently now: 4 by 1 equals 4: 4 by 2 equals 8: 4 by 3 equals 12: 4 by 4 equals selfish, stuck-up, opinionated b***hes!

My readership may wish to know that SUV stands for Sports Utility Vehicle. No owner ever indulges in any sport, bar baiting other road-users. The furthest off-road these vehicles ever venture is the M&S car park.

Perhaps M&S is too ‘common’ for you?

How dare you imply that you have anything in common with me, you arrogant woman?!

Should I ever be misfortunate enough to encounter you on the public highway in my humble carriage, I shall do my utmost to run you off-road, where you belong!!

Agnes Dayee

Originally posted 2004-12-03 00:00:00. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

New Years Honour?

July 24, 2021 by John McCullagh

Dear Agnes,

I’m a blunt man and I’ll come straight to the point! You, it’s said, have a finger in every pie and you know how to grease the wheels of government! Can you put some suitable award in my direction? I mean, surely I deserve to be decorated for my community and charitable efforts?

Dia Gnossis

May 29, 2021 by John McCullagh

Dear Agnes,

My doctor gave me a sealed letter to present to my hospital consultant. Curious both about his reading of my ailment and of his opinion of me, I opened it, read it and resealed it in a new envelope on which I typed the consultant’s name (this originally was hand-written).

Agnes rages!

May 13, 2021 by John McCullagh

Dear Agnes,

I read in the Democrat that Councillor Lewis of Sinn Fein, the party that has overseen the greatest hike ever in Council rates, is trailing a further 12% rise this year. This is at least four times the rate of inflation. Then of course we will shortly be paying water rates too, courtesy of their inaction.

They appear this time to have a magic wand however that can ‘achieve savings without damaging services or threatening jobs.’ Presumably while still sending Councillor Casey on further photographic safaris of Siberia!

Have they exchanged the blue skies of the Socialist Republic for the blue rinse brigade of the Conservative Party?

Or do you think by any chance there’s an election in the offing?

John Mitchel

Dear John,

You do a great disservice to Michael (Close The Harbours Behind Me!) Howard. He doesn’t hide the fact that there must be severe pruning in Civil Service administrative jobs.

Let’s say that Bertie (I’m A Socialist Too!) Ahearn has better credentials in that area. As had Atilla the Hun.

Count the number of candidates’ submissions to the local press. Under twelve is form for the course. Greater than that – expressing their concern/outrage/praise etc. for matters beyond their ken or control, and the election is just around the corner. 5th May, to be precise.

These candidates/Councillors have lent a new definition to the term, a ‘free press’. The owners publish the ‘copy’ these people submit, so avoiding having to pay journalists. So it’s free to the owners! Apparantly readers don’t notice the difference.

Agnes

Originally posted 2005-01-25 00:00:00. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Agnes: Recovered

April 3, 2021 by John McCullagh

Dear Agnes,

We all hope you are well and fully recovered from your recent ordeal at the hands of the Health Service

Johanna Legova

March 8, 2021 by John McCullagh

Dear Agnes,

It was my wife’s idea in the first place that we hire a cheap immigrant female worker to help her with the chores.

Agnes: Blue Sky Practitioner

March 7, 2021 by John McCullagh

Dear Agnes,

I might have applied for one hundred jobs without success and I’m beginning to lose hope of ever being gainfully employed. That is the reason I am applying for anything and everything. I need your help to understand just what might be expected of me should I be successful with my latest application.

The successful candidate, the advertisement read, will become a ‘Blue Sky Practitioner and will be required to undertake horizon scanning and futures research. He/she will create curve leverage systems for rapid diffusion, helping customers to articulate and understand order and chaos. Workstreams will adhere to a generic cycle based on a hypothesis-driven creative problem-solving process to initiate improvement products’.

I’m a good girl, I am, and I am not so desperate for work as to risk my chastity or reputation. Does this sound like a job that you would encourage your own daughter to accept?

Yours truly,

Verity White

Dear Verity,

It is a good rule-of-thumb that any job advertisement that is couched in meaningless, linguistic nonsense such as this requires very little indeed from the ‘Practitioner’ bar the ability to learn to talk b******t!

(Sorry for that temporary lapse. I appreciate with your upbringing you have probably never heard anyone speak so, or write thus. You quickly will, as soon as you get your first job!).

I suspect you would merely be expected like the farmer, to be ‘out standing in his own field’ .. to scan the skies, day and night for who knows what? But with who knows whom, and where, and under what circumstances, might be the more appropriate questions to ask. It is probably a task for the amateur astronomer, in search of incoming meteors or comets that might collide with Earth in the distant future. If so, and you were successful in your application, you could make it up as you go along, for there’s no one in the position to contradict you.

On the other hand, if this is a bone fide position and well-remunerated, you can be certain it was created with someone else in mind than you.

Go ahead to the interview but carry one of those anti-personnel sprays (Mace) for fear of attack. Use it anyway if your application is refused! It will serve them right for being obtuse in their intent!

Agnes Dayee

Originally posted 2004-12-22 00:00:00. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

My tough childhood

February 25, 2021 by John McCullagh

Dear Agnes

Although I might now be described as middle-class (I own a period house [3 ‘sitting-rooms’!] in a rural setting (well, except that the countryside is dotted with similar mansions) a BMW and a Lexus – and a run around SUV of course) – there was a time when we had very little indeed.