Remember Bigus Dickus?

 

Father Foster was compiling a modern Latin Dictionary. 

 

‘It may be defunct as a spoken language, but it’s still the official language of the Catholic Church,’ the good cleric asserted.

 

‘There are hundreds of modern terms that have no equivalent in Latin so I have compiled the ‘Lexicon Recentis Latinitatis’. 

 

 

Read moreRemember Bigus Dickus?

Originally posted 2005-03-14 21:09:04. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

How Many?

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Initially ‘How Many’ ?

 

1                    7 W of the W

2                    1001 A N

3                    52 C in a D

4                    9 P in the S S

5                    88 P K

6                    13 S on the A F

7                    32 D at which W F

8                    18 H on a G C

9                    90 D in a R A

10                200 D for P G in M

11                3 B M (S H T R)

12                4 Q in a G

13                24 H in a D

14                1 W on a U

15                57 H V

16                11 P on a F T

17                29 D in F of a L Y

18                64 s on a C B

19                40 D and N of the G F

20                50 S in the U

21                12 in a D

22                9 P on a B T

23                60 S in a M

24                4 W on a C

25                2 P in a Q

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Read moreHow Many?

Originally posted 2005-03-14 21:20:53. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Puzzles 1

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 Fun Corner

Hidden in the bureaucratic gobbledygook below are common proverbs and expressions. The answers are below.

Scintillate, scintillate, minor asteroid

Neophyte’s serendipity

Members of an avian species of similar plumage congregate en masse

Surveillance should precede saltation

Pulchritude possesses merely cutaneous profundity

Do not become lacrymose over precipitately discharged lacteal fluid

Avoidance of grime encrustations is contiguous to rectitude

The stylus is more potent than the claymore

Male cadavers yield no testimony

Efforts to indoctrinate innovative manoeuvres to superannuated canines must fail

ANSWERS

Twinkle, twinkle, little star : Beginners’ luck : Birds of a feather, flock together : Look before you leap : Beauty is only skin deep: Don’t cry over spilt milk : Cleanliness is next to godliness : The pen is mightier than the sword: Dead men tell no lies : You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

Originally posted 2019-06-12 17:26:50. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Agnes: SUV Drivers

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Dear Agnes,
‘You see much more, from a four by four’,  the slogan goes.  How true! 
 
From my elevated seat in my SUV, I see the great beauty of our countryside over the tops of the hedges. 

But I also look down and see men in their saloon cars picking their noses when they think no one is watching:  I see litter being freely dispensed through the open windows of these little cars.  I see bad driving.  And I see jealousy towards those of us fortunate enough to drive these modern vehicles.

 
You’re a woman of the world, Agnes!  You know we choose SUVs not because they are a status symbol but because they are so versatile, safe, impregnable and… well… better! 

I say ‘we’ for I’m certain you too are a ‘People Carrier’ woman!

 
Why must others always be so jealous? 
 
Is there any answer?
 
Gladys Superior
 

 
Dear Gladys,
 
Are you that woman who spoke to her scrawny kid as she turned into the school car-park,
 
‘And now that we’re off-road, all I have to do is pull this lever and it becomes a 4-Wheel Drive?’?
 
The staff in that school are teaching the four-times tables differently now: 4 by 1 equals 4: 4 by 2 equals 8: 4 by 3 equals 12: 4 by 4 equals selfish, stuck-up, opinionated  b***hes!
 
My readership may wish to know that SUV stands for Sports Utility Vehicle.  No owner ever indulges in any sport, bar baiting other road-users.  The furthest off-road these vehicles ever venture is the M&S car park.  
 
Perhaps M&S is too ‘common’ for you?
 
How dare you imply that you have anything in common with me, you arrogant woman?! 
 
Should I ever be misfortunate enough to encounter you on the public highway in my humble carriage, I shall do my utmost to run you off-road, where you belong!!
 
Agnes Dayee
 
 

Originally posted 2004-12-03 00:00:00. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Earthquake in Lurgan!

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In the early hours of last Tuesday a major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Lurgan with its epicentre in Kilwilkee Estate. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering “fukinell”.

The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt-out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived.

Dissie FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in their district. One resident – Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, “It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning.”

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Benedictine Wine and IrnBrew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after – items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
Red stilettos and Kenco Millicano coffee
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark or Poundshops.

Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
KFC
Ice cream
Cans of Guinness.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine.
£5 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**BREAKING NEWS**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut…

“Where are you bleeding from?” they asked.

“Tannaghmore,” said the girl, “wot’s that gotta do wi you?”

Please don’t forward this to anyone living in Lurgan –

– oh, sod it!

they won’t be able to read it, anyway.

Originally posted 2012-11-09 13:02:42. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Random Jokes

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Russia’s richest man, an oil baron, has been given a jail sentence for tax evasion. In America today, he’d have received oil concessions in Alaska. He is reputed to have siphoned $1b of taxpayers’ money. Asked to comment, a Dublin crime boss, speaking from his headquarters in Merrion Square dismissed this as ‘loose change’.

Read moreRandom Jokes

Originally posted 2020-02-15 20:45:56. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Dodgem Cops

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The police arrived promptly in response to a father’s call that his son had sustained an injury as a result of a collision. Cars had been left abandoned and strewn across the scene. Some had been deliberately rammed into each other, reports suggesting that some drivers were even laughing as they ploughed into their victims, sending them into a spin.


 

Read moreDodgem Cops

Originally posted 2020-02-02 18:49:46. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Newry Journal