Hidden in the bureaucratic gobbledygook below are common proverbs and expressions. The answers are below.
Scintillate, scintillate, minor asteroid
Members of an avian species of similar plumage congregate en masse
Surveillance should precede saltation
Pulchritude possesses merely cutaneous profundity
Do not become lacrymose over precipitately discharged lacteal fluid
Avoidance of grime encrustations is contiguous to rectitude
The stylus is more potent than the claymore
Male cadavers yield no testimony
Efforts to indoctrinate innovative manoeuvres to superannuated canines must fail
Twinkle, twinkle, little star : Beginners’ luck : Birds of a feather, flock together : Look before you leap : Beauty is only skin deep: Don’t cry over spilt milk : Cleanliness is next to godliness : The pen is mightier than the sword: Dead men tell no lies : You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.
‘You see much more, from a four by four’, the slogan goes. How true!
From my elevated seat in my SUV, I see the great beauty of our countryside over the tops of the hedges.
But I also look down and see men in their saloon cars picking their noses when they think no one is watching: I see litter being freely dispensed through the open windows of these little cars. I see bad driving. And I see jealousy towards those of us fortunate enough to drive these modern vehicles.
You’re a woman of the world, Agnes! You know we choose SUVs not because they are a status symbol but because they are so versatile, safe, impregnable and… well… better!
I say ‘we’ for I’m certain you too are a ‘People Carrier’ woman!
Why must others always be so jealous?
Is there any answer?
Are you that woman who spoke to her scrawny kid as she turned into the school car-park,
‘And now that we’re off-road, all I have to do is pull this lever and it becomes a 4-Wheel Drive?’?
The staff in that school are teaching the four-times tables differently now: 4 by 1 equals 4: 4 by 2 equals 8: 4 by 3 equals 12: 4 by 4 equals selfish, stuck-up, opinionated b***hes!
My readership may wish to know that SUV stands for Sports Utility Vehicle. No owner ever indulges in any sport, bar baiting other road-users. The furthest off-road these vehicles ever venture is the M&S car park.
Perhaps M&S is too ‘common’ for you?
How dare you imply that you have anything in common with me, you arrogant woman?!
Should I ever be misfortunate enough to encounter you on the public highway in my humble carriage, I shall do my utmost to run you off-road, where you belong!!
In the earlyhours of last Tuesday a major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Lurgan with its epicentre in Kilwilkee Estate. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering “fukinell”.
The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt-out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived.
Dissie FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in their district. One resident – Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, “It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning.”
Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Benedictine Wine and IrnBrew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after – items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
Red stilettos and Kenco Millicano coffee
White sport socks
Any other items usually sold in Primark or Poundshops.
Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Tins of baked beans
Cans of Guinness.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine.
£5 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut…
“Where are you bleeding from?” they asked.
“Tannaghmore,” said the girl, “wot’s that gotta do wi you?”
Please don’t forward this to anyone living in Lurgan –
Russia’s richest man, an oil baron, has been given a jail sentence for tax evasion. In America today, he’d have received oil concessions in Alaska. He is reputed to have siphoned $1b of taxpayers’ money. Asked to comment, a Dublin crime boss, speaking from his headquarters in Merrion Square dismissed this as ‘loose change’.
The police arrived promptly in response to a father’s call that his son had sustained an injury as a result of a collision. Cars had been left abandoned and strewn across the scene. Some had been deliberately rammed into each other, reports suggesting that some drivers were even laughing as they ploughed into their victims, sending them into a spin.