Earthquake in Lurgan!


In the early hours of last Tuesday a major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Lurgan with its epicentre in Kilwilkee Estate. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering “fukinell”.

The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt-out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived.

Dissie FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in their district. One resident – Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, “It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning.”

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Benedictine Wine and IrnBrew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop.


This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after – items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
Red stilettos and Kenco Millicano coffee
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark or Poundshops.

Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
Ice cream
Cans of Guinness.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine.
£5 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.


Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut…

“Where are you bleeding from?” they asked.

“Tannaghmore,” said the girl, “wot’s that gotta do wi you?”

Please don’t forward this to anyone living in Lurgan –

– oh, sod it!

they won’t be able to read it, anyway.

Random Jokes


Russia’s richest man, an oil baron, has been given a jail sentence for tax evasion. In America today, he’d have received oil concessions in Alaska. He is reputed to have siphoned $1b of taxpayers’ money. Asked to comment, a Dublin crime boss, speaking from his headquarters in Merrion Square dismissed this as ‘loose change’.

Read moreRandom Jokes

Dodgem Cops


The police arrived promptly in response to a father’s call that his son had sustained an injury as a result of a collision. Cars had been left abandoned and strewn across the scene. Some had been deliberately rammed into each other, reports suggesting that some drivers were even laughing as they ploughed into their victims, sending them into a spin.


Read moreDodgem Cops

S**t upon from a height!


Our teenspeak of old, in reference to some calamity that had befallen a friend or foe, was that he had been

“s**t upon from astronomical heights.”

The story brought this to mind.

“If there’s anyone who knows what s**t is then surely it’s me,” said plumber Murray Norris.

“I came home on Friday evening,” he told reporters, “to find this evil-smelling brown muck splattered all over my roof and wall. I immediately guessed that it came from an aircraft toilet so I complained to the Civil Aviation Authority. They blamed the mess on a bird, yet some of the patches are three metres across.

If that’s a bird it must be the largest one on the planet with a serious diarrhoea problem. My neighbours’ homes were covered too.”

Bill Sommer of Wellington, New Zealand’s Civil Aviation Authority charitably conceded,

“It might have been several birds acting in unison!”

Guy Dansie of the Public Health Department commented,

“It’s almost impossible to tell where it’s coming from but it’s falling from the sky.

There’s only one major source of human faeces up there, isn’t there?

“Unless Jack’s Beanstalk giant is still up there with a serious bowel problem,” he added.

Facetiously, I thought.

Ta from Hoo Flun Dong



On 7 December I took part in the Singapore Marathon.  Before the event I went to a temporary toilet outside the National stadium and unfortunately overbalanced as I sat over the trench.  After a struggle I managed to save myself from falling in but sadly my wallet tumbled into the latrine and submerged in a pit of filth.  With a heavy heart I left it there and set off for the race.

After the marathon was over I contacted the organisers and told them what had happened.  That very evening a man called Mai Ng turned up at my door and presented me with my wallet which was soiled beyond all imagination.  Even now it stinks so badly that it makes me vomit and I cannot keep it in the house.  I can only imagine the horrid stench that greeted him when he was ordered to retrieve it!  I am deeply touched and hope that Mai Ng recovers soon from his illness.

Yours sincerely

Hoo Flun Dong.

Dear Hoo,

Well, never mind who .. but WHAT??  What of value could possibly be in your wallet, that would survive such an ordeal, and still be use-worthy?  How did you possibly recompense poor Mai for his heroic endeavor ?  I suspect you offered him naught but condolences.

Should you find you have similar experiences in the future, please keep your story to yourself.

You just spoiled my dinner!


He’ll die later!


Apostle Freddie of the Apostolic Reform Church in Cradock, Eastern Cape addressed the large crowd on behalf of his friend and fellow-minister, Apostle Dennis.


‘He still fully intends to answer God’s call to join him in heaven’, he said.  The crowd was obviously disappointed.


But his funeral has been rescheduled.  All I can say now is that he drank a small amount of soup on Monday simply to dispel the stigma of suicide.’


Fifty eight year old Dennis had notably failed to die despite promising to do so publicly.  He had invited the large crowd to see him die and be buried.  A spokesperson for the Cradock funeral parlour – that had dug his grave and had expected to be burying him – explained that..


Dennis had a vision that his time on Earth was coming to an end.  He originally predicted his death would occur on the 28th January so in December he went on a wild spending spree.


He didn’t die and now he can’t pay for all the things he bought.  Yesterday he said he’d definitely stopped eating and would die today, but I saw him in a cafe, stuffing his face with fish and chips.  

Dead or alive, he’s for our chute!”