Dodgem Cops

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The police arrived promptly in response to a father’s call that his son had sustained an injury as a result of a collision. Cars had been left abandoned and strewn across the scene. Some had been deliberately rammed into each other, reports suggesting that some drivers were even laughing as they ploughed into their victims, sending them into a spin.


 

Read moreDodgem Cops

Originally posted 2020-02-02 18:49:46. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

S**t upon from a height!

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Our teenspeak of old, in reference to some calamity that had befallen a friend or foe, was that he had been

“s**t upon from astronomical heights.”

The story brought this to mind.

“If there’s anyone who knows what s**t is then surely it’s me,” said plumber Murray Norris.

“I came home on Friday evening,” he told reporters, “to find this evil-smelling brown muck splattered all over my roof and wall. I immediately guessed that it came from an aircraft toilet so I complained to the Civil Aviation Authority. They blamed the mess on a bird, yet some of the patches are three metres across.

If that’s a bird it must be the largest one on the planet with a serious diarrhoea problem. My neighbours’ homes were covered too.”

Bill Sommer of Wellington, New Zealand’s Civil Aviation Authority charitably conceded,

“It might have been several birds acting in unison!”

Guy Dansie of the Public Health Department commented,

“It’s almost impossible to tell where it’s coming from but it’s falling from the sky.

There’s only one major source of human faeces up there, isn’t there?

“Unless Jack’s Beanstalk giant is still up there with a serious bowel problem,” he added.

Facetiously, I thought.

Originally posted 2020-02-28 22:12:05. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Ta from Hoo Flun Dong

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Sir,

On 7 December I took part in the Singapore Marathon.  Before the event I went to a temporary toilet outside the National stadium and unfortunately overbalanced as I sat over the trench.  After a struggle I managed to save myself from falling in but sadly my wallet tumbled into the latrine and submerged in a pit of filth.  With a heavy heart I left it there and set off for the race.

After the marathon was over I contacted the organisers and told them what had happened.  That very evening a man called Mai Ng turned up at my door and presented me with my wallet which was soiled beyond all imagination.  Even now it stinks so badly that it makes me vomit and I cannot keep it in the house.  I can only imagine the horrid stench that greeted him when he was ordered to retrieve it!  I am deeply touched and hope that Mai Ng recovers soon from his illness.

Yours sincerely

Hoo Flun Dong.

Dear Hoo,

Well, never mind who .. but WHAT??  What of value could possibly be in your wallet, that would survive such an ordeal, and still be use-worthy?  How did you possibly recompense poor Mai for his heroic endeavor ?  I suspect you offered him naught but condolences.

Should you find you have similar experiences in the future, please keep your story to yourself.

You just spoiled my dinner!

Agnes

Originally posted 2004-02-16 00:00:00. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

He’ll die later!

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Apostle Freddie of the Apostolic Reform Church in Cradock, Eastern Cape addressed the large crowd on behalf of his friend and fellow-minister, Apostle Dennis.

 

‘He still fully intends to answer God’s call to join him in heaven’, he said.  The crowd was obviously disappointed.

 

But his funeral has been rescheduled.  All I can say now is that he drank a small amount of soup on Monday simply to dispel the stigma of suicide.’

 

Fifty eight year old Dennis had notably failed to die despite promising to do so publicly.  He had invited the large crowd to see him die and be buried.  A spokesperson for the Cradock funeral parlour – that had dug his grave and had expected to be burying him – explained that..

 

Dennis had a vision that his time on Earth was coming to an end.  He originally predicted his death would occur on the 28th January so in December he went on a wild spending spree.

 

He didn’t die and now he can’t pay for all the things he bought.  Yesterday he said he’d definitely stopped eating and would die today, but I saw him in a cafe, stuffing his face with fish and chips.  

Dead or alive, he’s for our chute!”

Originally posted 2020-02-11 20:09:20. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Proofreaders needed

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Any printed medium, even electronic, ought to be careful in satirising others for grammatical or spelling errors.  Newry Journal however has a history of rushing in where others dear to Fart. 
 
With his wife June, Doug Gunden is co-founder of America’s only specialist Bible proofreading company.  He explained his company’s raison d’etre.
“Remember the so-called Devil’s Bible, where according to the printed text, the commandment read ‘ thou shalt commit adultery’ ?
“You’ll not believe the numbers who flocked to Christianity after THAT was published.
“We cannot risk another error like that.
It wasn’t corrected for thirty years.
Oh, the souls who were lost!”

Originally posted 2004-08-04 00:00:00. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Newry Journal