In the early hours of last Tuesday a major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Lurgan with its epicentre in Kilwilkee Estate. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering “fukinell”.
The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt-out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived.
Dissie FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in their district. One resident – Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, “It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning.”
Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Benedictine Wine and IrnBrew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after – items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
Red stilettos and Kenco Millicano coffee
White sport socks
Any other items usually sold in Primark or Poundshops.
Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Tins of baked beans
Cans of Guinness.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine.
£5 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut…
“Where are you bleeding from?” they asked.
“Tannaghmore,” said the girl, “wot’s that gotta do wi you?”
Please don’t forward this to anyone living in Lurgan –
– oh, sod it!
they won’t be able to read it, anyway.