Proofreaders needed

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Any printed medium, even electronic, ought to be careful in satirising others for grammatical or spelling errors.  Newry Journal however has a history of rushing in where others dear to Fart. 
 
With his wife June, Doug Gunden is co-founder of America’s only specialist Bible proofreading company.  He explained his company’s raison d’etre.
“Remember the so-called Devil’s Bible, where according to the printed text, the commandment read ‘ thou shalt commit adultery’ ?
“You’ll not believe the numbers who flocked to Christianity after THAT was published.
“We cannot risk another error like that.
It wasn’t corrected for thirty years.
Oh, the souls who were lost!”

Psychotic or Psychic?

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Carol Schultz is a pet psychic. Consultation costs $50. She cannot communicate with fish or birds but can with cats, dogs and horses, even if they are dead.

“My gift enables me to hear and understand what they are saying and even to talk back with them. I have treated a dog that suffered from anxiety because it was separated from its owner. It was fine when I handed it back.

Another dog was Hitler in a past life and was severely traumatised. I have also helped a dyslexic three-legged cat who was feeling guilty because it left its ‘treasures’ in its owner’s letter box instead of its litter box. I have also counselled a dog that was trapped in a cat’s body. A real bitch, that one, but I cured it.”

Miss Schultz is currently resident at a psychiatric unit but will be available at her own clinic as soon as she is released.

That’s some tool!

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The couple were waiting at the bus-stop in Edinburgh when a mugger demanded the wife’s purse.  The husband said he would get it from the basket at her feet.  Instead of the purse he straightened up holding the artificial leg which, with a skill born of years of practice, he swiftly and adroitly detached.

In local parlance, he brained the mugger with this improvised weapon.  He was facing a charge of manslaughter.  The judge wanted to know if he had any previous offences of a similar nature that he wanted taken into consideration. 

‘Not at all,’ the defendant insisted.  ‘Any time before, one overhead twirl would have been enough. 

Even this time I only wanted to scare him off.  I never intended to hit him that hard!’

*****************

Officer Stopper (yes, his real name) noticed there was something peculiar as he drove by.  It was a moonlit night and the motorcycle was propped on the grass verge at an unusual angle.  On closer examination he noticed that the prop was an artificial leg.

Venturing a little further, Officer Stopper encountered the owner in a nearby field.  An ancient Lothario of 72 years, he was defying both nature and his disability, in flagrante delicto [I love the sound of that expression!] with a pretty young thing.  Female, of course.

It can only be surmised that it was raw envy that motivated Stopper to bring charges!

Virginity Test

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Sipho Malinga was enjoying his explanation.

“I have several ways to test the boys for virginity,” he expounded, in the school in Kwazulu Natal, “all based on sound medical practice.

While my colleagues are checking that the girls’ hymens are intact, I ask the boys to urinate – without using their hands – over a thin piece of wire strung about a metre above ground. Those whose golden streams pass over are virgins, the others are not. Also I check the foreskin. If it is hard, the boy is pure. The most certain test of all is to check the backs of the boys’ knees. If there is an indenture behind the knees, that is a sure sign of sexual activity.

My role is so much easier that that of my colleagues testing the girls. To the best of my knowledge they have only the one test!

We do not force the boys to take the test, but those who refuse must have a reason! Also we offer rewards like toy watches and mint cake.”

Removing Foreign Bodies

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The book offered advice to qualifying surgeons and was called ‘Short Practice of Surgery’ by Bailey & Love (1992).

The variety of foreign bodies that have found their way into the human rectum is hardly less remarkable than the ingenuity used in their removal.

A turnip has been removed per anum (eh?!) by the use of obstetric forceps.  A stick firmly planted has been removed by the insertion of a gimlet into its lower end.  A tumbler, mouth downwards has been extracted by filling the interior with a wet Plaster of Paris bandage, leaving the end of the bandage protruding, and allowing the plaster to set.

Other items include a pepper pot.a dildo, and several carrots!

Newry Journal