John McCullagh October 17, 2003
Boris Johnston Cocaine

 

 

‘Around midnight I saw a crowd of people gathered round the bus shelter,’ Valery Levchenko told reporters in the southern Russian city of Stavropol.

 


I went over to find out what was wrong. There was a man, obviously in pain, with his penis stuck frozen to the metal side of the bus shelter. No one was actually helping him but everyone was shouting instructions, insults or advice.

 

‘I asked the man what had happened. He told he’d spent the evening drinking beer in a local bar. While waiting for his bus he felt the need to urinate. He unzipped his fly and began. It was cold last night, really cold, minus thirty at least, and he was swaying a bit. He leaned against the shelter for support and that was when his penis touched the metal side. The skin instantly stuck fast. 

 

Nobody knew what to do, so I ran to a local chemist and borrowed a kettle of warm water. I poured it over the man’s penis and metal wall until they separated.

 

Once he was free I advised him he should get it checked out for frostbite. He just ran off embarrassed. I never saw him again.’

 

*********************

 

This tale reminded me of the guy who entered a bar in mid-afternoon with a crocodile under his arm. (I think this was the man who took Rowan Hand’s article on how to catch a crocodile seriously!). 

 

‘You can’t come in here with that thing!’ the barman protested.

 

‘You don’t understand. He’s friendly. He’s my pet. Anyway there’s no one else in here. We’ll leave when your customers arrive.’

 

To shorten the tale, he was eventually permitted to enter under these conditions. The barman got busy and forgot about him for some time. Eventually he approached him again with orders to remove himself and the crocodile from the now busy bar.

 

‘You don’t understand’, your man repeated. ‘He’s a friendly crocodile and wouldn’t harm a soul. In any case he does tricks. He will amuse your customers.’

 

Once again for brevity’s sake, let me inform you that the barman concurred provided the animal was immediately made to perform.

 

The animal was placed on the low table and our friend, with fly undone and member in hand – so-to-speak – stood before him ordering him to open wide his jaws. The crocodile did so and the penis was place inside the jaws.

 

After a few seconds open-mouthed appreciation (that’s my own addition to this joke!) the crowd erupted in appreciative applause. Unfortunately this had the side effect of startling the crocodile whose jaws snapped shut!

 

In excruciating pain our friend repeatedly, but without effect, ordered the crocodile to open his jaws. Eventually he lifted a heavy glass ashtray and smashed the crocodile’s eye with it. The jaws opened and, much relieved, he returned the bruised member to his trousers. The crowd erupted again.

 

‘Now who would like to try this? Come on now, if I can do it you can do it!’

 

Unsurprisingly he got no takers. He repeated his challenge, without success. In the end a hand went up in the back of the crowd. To everyone’s surprise, it was a little old lady.

 

‘Mister, I’d like to try it.


 But please don’t hit me with your ashtray!’


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