The Windmill

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All types and formations of rock hold a fascination for me. I don’t know why but it’s always been like that. Unusual, at least. Maybe a little crazy. I can’t help it. If I’m passing through a road or railway cutting, my eyes are drawn, trance-like, towards the recently exposed rock strata on each side. I skip quickly from one side to the other, for fear of missing the more exciting pattern. Friends call me ‘sad’, but honestly I’m happiest then.

I’ve got my own collection at home. Some samples have five hundred million year old fossils embedded in them. ‘Burgess Shale’, they’re called, after the area in the Rocky Mountains of British Columbia where they were first found. The earliest fossil animal records in existence. Five hundred million years! Can you take that in? I mean, that’s before people, before dinosaurs, before the first reptiles crawled out of the oceans on to land. It’s before there were any land plants, for goodness sake! I love to show them off, on those rare occasions when I get a chance.

Few people want to see them. There’s nothing more boring than a fanatic, I’ll grant you that. Still I think that people should give it a try. It’s history writ large. Not that rubbish about kings and queens, wars and conquests, political intrigue and cute-hoor chicanery. Real history. Four and a half billion years of rock history, on land, and under sea, and under both, in the mantle and in the Earth’s core. If rocks could talk, what a story they’d tell!

And so I found myself that fine summer afternoon in the abandoned quarry near Newry – alone. I prefer it that way. In social situations I am a magnet for all kinds of nutters…

Right in front of me there was a large pile of chiselled granite stones, almost hidden by the long grass sprouting up among and between them. All had letters and numbers finely and carefully scripted in red paint upon them. I’d seen this type of thing before. Archaeologists use such a code to identify what stones go where, when a monument is removed from one location to another.

‘Yeah, boy, those stones have a story to tell!’

Startled, I jumped. Was the voice inside my head? I wondered.

Glancing behind, I saw this wizened old guy with a weather-beaten face half hidden beneath a grimy cloth cap, perched somewhat askew on his seemingly bald head.

How had he crept up, soundless, on me like that? Was he real? Was he reading my thoughts? Just what is it about me to attract people like this?

I decided that if I didn’t speak he might simply go away again. Long and bitter experience had taught me that the worst thing to do was to give any kind of encouragement, however slight.

For his part, he appeared nonplussed, disdaining even to look in my direction. A battered pipe had materialized between his yellow teeth. There was a rude sucking sound. He made no attempt to fill it with tobacco. I was biting my tongue to prevent it from forming speech.

A minute passed – the length of an hour, I thought. The old guy hadn’t looked in my direction. Seemingly. I hadn’t dared to glance back again for fear he might take that as encouragement.

‘Och aye, and I’m the man to tell it!’

My eyes darted furtively round, seeking some means of early escape: any that would preserve my sense of self-dignity, that is, without appearing rude. He might be all right, I tried to reason, though the odds were heavily against it. I glanced skyward in the vain hope of salvation from a heavy shower of rain. It never rains when you want it to.

‘Windmill, be damned!’ he spat out.

Just walk away quickly without comment, I thought. That should do it. He ‘d be unlikely to pursue me.

– Windmill? I thought.

‘Yeah, windmill.’ I must have spoken aloud. I was furious with myself.

That’s done it, I thought. There’ll be no stopping him now. One word of encouragement would suffice. But still I held my peace.

‘Was me dumped them there!’ he offered – proudly, in my opinion.

He wanted prompting, anyone could see that, but there was no doubt that the story would come out, no matter what I said or did. I was vaguely interested now, recollecting some press story of a few years back. But I tried not to show it.

I allowed a full minute to pass before I spoke.

‘You wanna tell me?’

‘You police?’

‘Hardly!’ I laughed lightly.

‘Taxman? Council? Some kinda official?’

A five-second pause after each, awaiting confirmation or denial. I offered surly denial, non-verbal style. How dare he disturb my peace and solitude, without even a by-your-leave? When I spoke I injected irritation into my tone of voice.

‘No. I’m just me. Nobody.’ I took a deep breath.

‘I don’t really wanna know.’

This latter was delivered with studied finality. I hate other people’s secrets! Still I had a feeling it wouldn’t work.

‘You know how to keep your mouth shut?’

I almost laughed with irrepressible mockery. I would have, but I wasn’t confident that he would be quick enough to detect the irony in my voice. Rich, though. Would I have to insult him further?

‘I avoid people,’ I offered, as a compromise. A glint in his eye. Was he intrigued or offended? I didn’t care. He turned away. I didn’t want to give the impression that I was weird. I decided to qualify my remark.

‘I mean, I don’t talk a lot.’ This was my parting shot as I moved away.

‘It was illegal. ‘Conspiring to destroy an historical monument’.’

‘Conspiring’, no less! Not so dumb then! I decided to test him.

‘Why’d you do it?’

I was sorry as soon as I’d spoken. I reflected. That was seven times I’d spoken. Maybe thirty words – and thirty too many. I knew if I didn’t stop at once I’d be even more sorry shortly.

‘Money! What else is there?’

End of story. I had already guessed the rest. Nine-day wonder in the local press, five years ago. No more questions, I resolved.

‘Go on, take one! Nobody knows they’re here only me!’

The crafty old codger, I thought. Wants to make me guilty by association. Perhaps he’d been observing me for some time. Had he guessed my obsession? I’d put the old rogue in his place!

‘They’re just granite stones. The Mournes’re all granite. For a short while they formed the walls of a windmill. Two hundred years. Hardly historic! But any conspiracy was yours!’

I invested as much contempt as possible into my voice. I was weary of him. So many men in this godforsaken country enjoyed the notoriety of criminality. Some would accept this, even celebrate it if the offence was political. He was merely a petty thief. I might have to turn nasty to get rid of him, I thought.

‘Forty bloody quid. Four hours hard labour, loading and then dumping them. I could have got four hundred. Bet they got thousands!’

‘They?’

I don’t know how on earth the word came out, because I was biting my tongue even as I opened my mouth.

‘ I don’t know who they were. Wise guys. City slickers. Expensive suits. You read the papers? They made some innocent guy – the builder, I think it was – take the rap. And they did it themselves. Called me out in the middle of the night!’

He was out of breath. A long pause followed.

He’s waiting for me to say something. I mustered all the contempt I could manage into my final insult.

‘You weren’t innocent. You knew what you were doing.’

A suspicious glance. He was weighing me up. ‘Get outta here!’ I screamed, deep inside me.

‘Developer couldn’t build if the site was covered with a big ugly windmill, could he?’

He had ignored my accusation. All the better, I thought. Now not one more single word, I cautioned myself. You are not involved and not interested. I turned away, feigning interest in a nearby rockface.

‘What’s it to you, anyway?’ he asked angrily.

‘Fool!’ I chastised myself. ‘Ten times you answered him. No excuses. You knew it was coming. When will you ever learn?’

‘I think you are police! Reporter? Taxman? Council?’

Each was a defiant challenge, punctuated with pregnant pauses.

‘I must go.’ I sidled away.

‘Wait! You can’t just leave it like that. You started all this, you know that? Why all the questions? I’ll deny everything. You don’t know who I am! I don’t know your name! What is your name? What’s your business? Are you one of those guys back to gloat?’

I didn’t turn. He continued to shout at my retreating back.

‘Why are you sticking your nose into other people’s business? Just an old windmill! What’s that to anybody? You gonna talk to the police?’

I didn’t once glance back.

‘I know your sort! Endless questions. I didn’t wanna talk to you anyway. Can’t you leave well enough alone?’

When I had turned the corner, I lingered a while at the quarry entrance, but I could not recapture my former peace of mind.

How do they always seek me out? Is there a message in some ink that only they can read, written bold across my forehead?

SUCKER!!

What did I care about a few granite stones, shaped by the mason’s tools just a blink in time ago?

But four and a half billion years! Now that’s history.

Homecoming

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I have just spent two wonderful weeks in Newry with my Mum Bridie, as I have done many times during the past thirty-two years.  This time was much like any other; the same laid-back time, same views from my bed-room window.  The only difference is the size of this wonderful town, I mean city!  It is forever growing and the thing we call progress is very evident.  All great things and more to come.

 

Read moreHomecoming

Wrapped in her arms!

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There was a man a long time ago and there was a statue of the Blessed Virgin and a Church convenient to where he lived. 
 
He went to that place every day or night and said a prayer to the Blessed Virgin.
 
It happened one time that he got into trouble and was sentenced to be hanged.  On his way to the scaffold he had to pass this statue. 
 
Well, as he was passing the statue he asked leave to kiss it.  The statue caught him in her arms – and all the power of the guards would not liberate him from it.
 
What could they do?
 
They had to release him and he was pardoned!

Iraq of Old

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Fallujah in Iraq has just suffered the fate of Grozny in Chechnia – bombed and razed and uncounted thousands of its inhabitants slaughtered in a vain effort to ‘restore order’.  Now it’s the turn of Mosul and still no end in sight! 
 
We sometimes forget that this was the cradle of civilization.  I read the following moral tale today and thought I would share it.
 
‘In ancient Baghdad there was a rich and powerful merchant with many servants but one he trusted with special tasks.  One day he sent this servant to the market place on an errand.  When he came to the market place this servant saw Death standing there and Death gave him a strange look.  The servant was greatly afraid and ran back to the master’s house where he told the other servants what he had seen.  
 
‘He has come for me,’ he said.  ‘But I will take my master’s fastest steed and ride like the wind to Samarra. I will be there by nightfall and Death will never find me there.’
 
The other servants went and told the master.  He was very angry.  He strode off to the market place and Death was still there.
 
‘What do you mean by giving my servant such a strange look and frightening him?’ he demanded.
 
‘I was merely surprised to see him, that’s all,’ Death replied.
 
‘You see, I am to meet him this night in Samarra’.
 
 
Many continue to meet Death this and every night in Samarra, Fallujah and Baghdad.  Margaret Hassan, we learn now, has already been brutally executed.  
 
We celebrate the release of Annetta Flanigan and her two companions in Afghanistan, whatever the circumstances of their release.
 
 

Where The Lark’s Still In Song

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Oh Grandpa, I’m taking this pen in my hand
To tell of the changes that’s happened this land
In big, swanky houses we’re living in style
But they’ve wrecked and they’ve poisoned this Emerald Isle.
 
Remember the corncrake in the meadow would call
Well, the nearest you’ll find one is West Donegal
It was grand when Granny would bring us the tae
When you done the pitching and I built the hay.
 
Some people sit silent half the day and all night
Sure I’m thankful eventually when they put out the light
Of that box in the corner – it’s pictures they watch
From garbled conversing, the odd word ye might catch.
 
You know how the neighbours from the wee house’d call
An’ they’d tell all their stories, the big and the small
Ah ’twas grand when our Granny would get up to say
‘There’s new griddle bread for a wee drop of tae.’
 
You’ll mind the wee planting where the wild woodcock lay
How the larks in the springtime make their nests in the hay
Well, now they cut silage, foul slurry they spread
The larks’ nests are ruined, the woodcock is dead.
 
And sometimes you taught me in the brook to catch trout
With a twist of your hand you could scoop the fish out
Och ’twas grand when the sun made the pure water gleam
Now the farmers and factories have poisoned the stream.
 
I can still feel my feet catch the new stubbled sod
When you scythed the corn and I held the rod
The long-snedded scythe o’er your shoulder you’d heel
The stone made sweet music as you honed the fine steel.
 
But now there’s big combines in the fields all around
That in ten dusty minutes cut an acre of ground
But for all their great power, they blight my new dawn
For the scythe, like you Granda, is buried and gone.
 
Each evening you’d loose out the horse to be fed
And I rode on his back as you walked at his head
And although I’m near sixty I still feel his sweat
And my heart it feels heavy, and my eyes they are wet.
 
For I still see his collar where it hung on the jamb
And the pig that we killed for the bacon and ham
How you walked from your work and I sat on your head
And the sweet air was scented with Granny’s baked bread.
 
As you sat at the milking, on the cow’s side you’d lean
Now the cows are all joined to a milking machine
Even they now have their parlours, like the toffs in your day
And we open a bottle to milk our wee cup of tae.
 
But my life is near over, why should I complain?
As I sit and look out at the bleak acid rain
But I’m sad for the children as I watch them at play
They’ve dumped their foul waste and polluted the say.
 
So goodbye to you, Granda, though I still could go on
About things that are past, about days that are gone
But it’s well to be you that has had your long day
When we worked with the horse; with a fork made the hay.
 
And we kept the best straw for to mend the old thatch
Whereas now on our trousers you’d ne’er see a patch
Och it’s now that I’m thinking I’ll see you ere long
Where’s there’s fish in the streams and the lark’s still in song.
 
 

Trouble the Yanks Bring

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Those trained in music can read a score and ‘hear’ the symphony in the mind’s ear, much as the rest of us hear it in reality when it is played professionally. 
 
You could, I suppose, be trained to ‘hear’ the storyteller in a similar fashion from the printed page (or electronic page in our case!) but only if you have often heard the master storyteller in action.  All the usual reservations printed before apply to your reading of the following tale.
 
‘On the hip of Slieve Gullion mountain there lived two women, and I’ll tell you what they done for forty-five years. 
 
They conveyed one another to first Mass in Mullaghbane every Sunday morning. 
 
Walked and talked the whole way over: walked and talked the whole way back:  and talked all the way through mass as well.
 
Lizzie and Bridget was their names, and one Sunday morning they went over to mass and when they went over the Chapel was full up with young people. 
 
Armagh were away to be bet some place the same Sunday!
 
The very minute Mass was over there was a stampede for the door and Lizzie and Bridget were waylaid in the crowd – rent asunder – and when Bridget got out till the chapel gates, what the blazes do you think Lizzie was doing? 
 
She was standing there talking to two returned Yanks. 
 
Great big Yankee man about six fut four with a white hat on him, smoking a cigar the length of a poker, and a nice, nate little bit of a Yankee woman with short sleeves on her and a big, glossy handbag that ye cud put two bales of straw in if ye were badly stuck. 
But God bless the mark, two elbows like two corkscrews.
 
When Bridget got out to the gate she didn’t want to be standin’ looking at her…  at Lizzie, with her mouth open like a melodian.   She walked on. 
 
An’ in no time at all Lizzie overtook her on the road: an’ when Lizzie overtook her, Bridget turns round and says,  {whinging voice!}
 
”Who was the great swells ye were talking to at the chapel gates this morning?’  
 
{High-pitched answer!}
 
‘Ah well, ye’ll not believe it, she says, when I tell you. 
 
Home from America, and know our Michael’s Pat that went to New York, and they’re comin’ up to see me, she says, on Tuesday evening.’
 
‘Oh Lord, says Bridget, that’ll put ye to a dale of bother!’ 
 
As jealous as the devil.  
 
‘Bother, she says, what bother will it put me till?’
 
‘Oh, she says, ye’ll have till wheel out the bicycle in the morning, she says, get into town and buy a bottle of whisky for them, she says, and buy mate for them, she says, and buy cakes for them, for the devil in hell wouldn’t stuff them aul’ Yanks whenever they come home.  
 
The Lord have mercy on me mother and father had them home in 1933 and we didn’t get the better of them yit! 
 
{Aside: This was the year before last!}
 
‘They’ll put me to no bother whatsoever in this world, says Lizzie, for I’ll tell you what I have yonder at the house. 
 
I have a gander that was left on me hands at Christmas, she says, and I’ll go home now, she says, and I” catch him, she says, and I’ll neck him, she says, and I’ll pluck him, she says, and I’ll gut him, she says, and I’ll stuff him, she says, and I’ll roast him, she says, and I’ll have him for the Yanks whenever they come.’
 
 {At fast speed!}
 
An’ home she went, and she caught him, and she necked him, and she plucked him, and she gut him, and she stuffed him, and she roast him and she had him… 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 and eleven o’clock come on Tuesday evening, and no Yank appeared.
 
And the following Sunday morning she went over the road and she met Bridget and the first thing Bridget said to her was,
 
‘Well, she says, How did ye get on with the Yanks?’
 
‘Ah, says Lizzie, shure they never appeared!’
 
‘Och, says Bridget, and isn’t it an awful shame!  An’ the Christmas bird going bad on yer hands like that!’
 
‘Ah no! says Lizzie, the bird didn’t go bad on me hands.’
 
‘Oh well, she says, ye had to give him away?’
 
‘No, she says, I didn’t give him away.’
 
‘An’ what then in the name of God did ye do with him?’
 
‘I ate him, she says, meself.’
 
‘The whole gander?  Yerself??’
 
‘I did, she says, and not a bit of bother on me.’
 
‘Ah, the Lord save us, says Bridget, me heart will stop!  For a woman to do the likes of that!’
 
‘An’ what harum was it, says she, for me to ate what I reared up from a goose egg?’
 
‘Harum! she says, ah but ye’re an ignorant woman!  Pride, covetousness, lust, anger, gluttony, envy and sloth. 
Gluttony! Says she.  One of the Seven Deadly Sins.  Stuck right there in the middle of them, she says. 
 
Get away from about me, she says, for if ye fell in the road, says she, ye’d be on the lowest hob in hell, she says, before I cud get the priest for ye,’ she says.
 
Poor Lizzie.  If she had to be stuck with a penknife on the road, she wouldn’t ‘ve dropped one drop of blood, she was that taken in.
 
Went to the chapel and she didn’t hear one word that the priest said, she was that taken in annoyance.  Went home.  Cudn’t sleep Sunday or Monday night:  Tuesday night or Wednesday night.  But Thursday night, be good luck, was Confessions night for the First Fridays. 
 
Over she went.  Chapel full up.  An’ the priest was in an awful hurry.  He was letting them in and out of the confession box, just like shuttlecocks.  No good at all for an aul’ woman who was after committing a mortal sin. 
 
Ye see, there was a card-playing in the Hall the same night and the priest was mad afire to get away up to it.  And after a lot of jostling and pushing, she got in.  And when she got in, he said, 
 
{Priest’s wheedling voice}
 
How long is it since your last Confession?’
 
‘Eh, well now, Father, she says, just this day month.  Sure I’m doing the Nine Fridays, she says, now for forty-five years.’
 
‘Oh very good, indeed, he says, forty-five years.  Now, what do you remember from when you were last here?’
 
‘Well, I committed one of them Deadly Sins now, Father, she says.
 
The one that’s stuck right in the middle of them, she says.
 
An’ you know, with all the crowd and everything, it’s away out of my head!
 
Ye’ll have to give me a minute now, Father, she says. 
 
An’ he was fidgeting for he was in a hurry for to get up to the cards.  She says,
 
‘Ugh, aye, I have it.  I committed adultery!’
 
{Sombre tone}  ‘I’m indeed aggrieved to hear this confession this evening.  Especially from a woman in the autumn of her life.
 
After doing the Nine Fridays for forty-five years!’
 
Och, aye.  A great man in the box was that same priest!
 
‘What in the name of all that’s merciful came over you to do such a thing?’
 
…..
 
‘Well there he was, Father, lying above on the table with his two legs up.
 
An’ him nice and brown.
 
An’ I put me hand over, she says, and when I got the taste of it, she says,
 
the devil tuk me!’
 
 
 
 
 

Railway Bar Characters

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Christmas Eve 2003 in the Railway Bar saw the unravelling of a story which had puzzled Wilbur Lundy from the Meadow from many a year earlier.

Myself and Liam Boyle were lucky enough to be present and witnessed the whole turning of events. Wilbur’s eldest son Billy was a keen dog lover and hunter [very much still is]. However the story dated back to the time when Bill was 11 years old – and was pieced together by the other two offspring of the Lundy household – Gerard and Robert plus information that Wilbur had unknowingly volunteered – what you are about to read, took years to unravel.

Read moreRailway Bar Characters

My Father’s Son

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The three Pats, Gibney, Lundy and Kavanagh were chatting over a pint in the Railway Bar one evening – oh, all right, they had a pint each – and having exhausted the usual topics of the shortcomings of women, the latest football results and the price of hay, they finally got round to telling each other riddles.  There was a problem here, for none was too sure exactly what a riddle was.  Anyway, Lundy, the intellectual, began with the Riddle of the Sphynx.

‘What is it’, he says, ‘that walks on four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon and evening, but three at night?’

That doesn’t make any sense!’ snorted Gibney.

Sense or not, what’s the answer?’ the first went on.

Well, the other two wrinkled up their eyebrows in a pretence of thinking, but there was no way they’d ever come up with the right answer.  In the end they just gave up.

‘It’s man!’ crowed Lundy, triumphantly.  ‘Can’t you see?  When he’s a baby, in the morning time of his life, he crawls on all fours.  Then as a man, he walks upright.  When he’s old, he needs a walking stick.’

Well, I hope yours makes more sense,‘ jeered Kavanagh, though, if truth be told, he was racking his brains to think of one when it’ud be his turn!

‘A house with neither windows nor doors, but golden treasure it holds within,‘ chanted Gibney, forgetting the rhyme but getting the gist of it just the same.

‘Now you’re just being silly!  How cud there be a house with no windies or durs?’

‘You don’t know, is that what yer’re saying?’

What’s the answer yer’re lukkin’ for?‘ says the other.

‘The right answer, of course, ye hoor ye!’

They were bate, ye cud see.  But they wudn’t own up.  In the end, Gibney too had to explain.

‘It’s an egg.  Isn’t it home to the chicken before she hatches?  And it has no windies or durs.  She has to break out.  The yolk is the treasure!’

‘Here,’ says Pat, suddenly brightening, ‘which should ye say, ‘the yolk of the egg is white’ or ‘the yolk of the egg are white’?’

Eggs’ yolks ‘s yellar!’ shouted Lundy.  ‘And I hope you don’t think you’re getting off that aesy!’

But Kavanagh had had a brainwave.  He’d heard one weeks before from a man in a pub in Kerry, when a young lad had entered.  He had said,
Brothers and sisters have I none, but this boy’s father is my father’s son’.

‘Yer talking in conundrums’, complained Paddy Lundy.  He might have been for all he knew, but he stuck to his task.

‘All right, I’ll say it again for yous, ‘Brothers and sisters have I none, but this boy’s father is my father’s son”.

‘Aye, it’s a good one,‘ says Gibney.  ‘Is it your round?’

‘Don’t try and change the subject.  What’s the answer?’

There’s no question that calls for an answer!’ roared Lundy.

‘The answer to the riddle!’ he persisted.

‘What is it you want to know?  Who’s the brother or sister, the grandfather, the father, the son or the Holy Ghost?’

Just give the answer,’ says Kavanagh, weakening, for he wasn’t sure himself.

They didn’t want to admit defeat.  But there was nothing they could even guess.  In the end, Kavanagh took pity on them and said,

‘Luk, yus wouldn’t know him anyway, for it’s this fella I met when I was on holiday in Kerry!’

[In case you are beating your brains out too, the ‘boy’ is the son of the speaker, so the boy’s father is the speaker: when he says ‘my father’s son’ he is referring to himself as that son, and obviously the second father is the first ‘boy’s’ grandfather.  I hope that’s clear now!]