This must be the stupidest man ever born,’ said Sheriff Barry DeLong of Somerset County, Maine.  ‘Except that he did call the emergency services when his self-crucifixion attempt went awry. 


My men had to break down the door to gain entry.  He seemed confused at first.  He was rambling on about walking on water.  He told us the face of God had appeared on his computer’s screen-saver and told him he was God’s son and should crucify himself right away. 


He got two large pieces of wood, nailed them together on his bedroom floor, lay down on it and proceeded to nail his left hand to the makeshift cross using a six-inch nail and a hammer in his right hand.  At that stage it occurred to him that he’d be unable to nail his right hand, his left being otherwise occupied.  He rang for us, using his mobile phone.


(I couldn’t help reflecting that this was the ONLY time I ever remember a proper use for this ubiquitous instrument!).


I offered to wield the hammer and nail but he appeared to have changed his mind about the whole enterprise.  My men sawed off the cross where it was attached to his hand.  It was freed at the County Hospital. 


No charges were preferred against him.  There was no crime only mind-boggling imbecility and possible insanity.


And wasting police time and resources.


Hold on!  Get him back in here. NOW!’   

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