John McCullagh May 19, 2004
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Reading of Euro election coverage I learned that Robert Kiljoy Silk, the Arab baiter, was standing for the Independence Party supported by actress Joan Collins. 



It was the statement that she was soon to make her ‘maiden‘ speech that brought a smile.  It might be six decades since she was last a ‘maiden’.

Then I met him!!

‘I will be restoring virginities from now on in the Virgin Islands,’ announced Dr Robert (Switchback) Stubbs.  ‘Before I’m through, they’ll all be virgins there.

It’s my job to convince grooms that their prospective brides are still virgins.’

I was afraid to ask, but he was kind enough to explain anyway.

‘I work with the pudenda.  A nip here and a tuck there.  I restore the hymen; constrict the vaginal entry.  Simple but effective surgery.’

Too much information there, Robert!

‘In many cultures, brides are expected to be virgins.  They can be shunned and can even


become victims of honour killings if their husbands discover they’re not virgins. 

The Virgin Islands is the only place left that I can get private medical insurance against malpractice claims.  

Still, charmingly appropriate, don’t you think?’

I didn’t, but I was afraid to say so.  I told him what was on my mind. He just smiled.

‘The difficult we do right away.  Miracles take just a little longer!’

Perhaps not,  I decided.

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