16 October 2004
Dear Valued Customer,
We have been requested by a valued client – and an acquaintance of yours, an esteemed old gentlemen who goes by the name of Mr Santa Claus – to make it generally known in the Newry area that, due to the current economic difficulties that he like everyone else is facing, he has recently had to move his industrial and administrative operations overseas.
Fortunately and co-incidentally for us, his industrial elves are now based in Bacca Beyon, The Keys, Dacca Peninsula, Punjab, where, you will recall, Everybank also has relocated. He has requested – and we are delighted to comply – that we now handle much of his administrative work in this region.
This letter is designed to remind you to advise your children, when writing their letter to Santa this year, to address it to
Mr Santa Claus, c/o Everybank Commercial Desk (Overseas Division), Taj Mahal Industrial Park, Bacca Beyon, The Keys, Dacca, Punjab.
Mr Claus regrets if this employment opportunity outsourcing causes distress to his former local employees. We would like to add our concerns but also to point out that if divine aid is applied for, our religious services desk is still operational. For a short period only, discount rates will apply to former employees.
Looking forward in anticipation to your continued support.
May your god go with you
Fatcat Prophets [Managing Director]
P.S. You will, I know, appreciate that Christianity is very much a minority religion in India, so Mr Claus’s new elfin workforce may not be able to meet artificial deadlines like 25 December – certainly not their saviour’s birth day. If children’s toys do not arrive until well into the New Year, we are confident you will show patience.