Jokes Archives | Page 7 of 9

Sky failure

June 8, 2020December 30, 2005 by John McCullagh

They talk like automatons, persist like politicians in their given line of chat, regardless of your lack of interest, and withhold their own phone number and even name.

Yet they expect you to stop everything and to humour them on the phone. I did, a while.

Dubya passes on

June 8, 2020December 15, 2005 by John McCullagh

Saint Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates to vet new entries.

A word in your ear!

June 8, 2020April 18, 2005 by John McCullagh

Some of the most amusing anecdotes originate in the classroom.

I was teaching a class one time, a ‘rough’ class in a ‘difficult’ school in a ‘deprived’ area. Still everybody likes a story and I was reading them one.

George W Bush’s ‘English’

June 8, 2020March 14, 2005 by John McCullagh

Quotes from George ‘Dubya’ Bush

“The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.”
George W. Bush, Jr.

‘If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”
George W. Bush, Jr.

“Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.”
Governor George W. Bush, Jr

“Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.”
Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

“Mars is essentially in the same orbit…

Read moreGeorge W Bush’s ‘English’

One, Two, Three nationals

June 9, 2020February 28, 2005 by John McCullagh

We take political incorrectness to new extremes. The following One, Two, Three, lists are meant for fun and not designed to offend!

Wan Hung Loo

June 9, 2020February 24, 2005 by John McCullagh

The Hol Ches Mingin Hospital disclaimed responsibility at once.

Indeed Matron seemed almost to gloat about the poor woman’s predicament.

Was that you?

June 9, 2020February 22, 2005 by John McCullagh

The court was ‘in camera’.

The magistrate adopted his sternest tone.

Sleep in her own bed

June 9, 2020February 2, 2005 by John McCullagh

A friend of one of my own offspring was a student in Belfast recently when his mother came to call, ‘just to make sure he was all right’. It was obvious at once that he was not living alone in the flat, as he had claimed.

The mass of female undergarments drying on the clothes-horse before the fire might have been enough to give the game away, but to make matters worse, the owner herself was present, in less than her full dress!

A hurried explanation ensued that she was scarcely known to him, she was in fact staying for a few days because she was temporarily homeless, that there was no romantic attachment at all, indeed she was the girlfriend of a close friend and so on. The separate sleeping arrangements in two different bedrooms were carefully explained and shown to the mother.

Mum listened nodding sagely. A few days later the girl noted that a silver sugar-bowl, an heirloom of her mother’s, had disappeared on that day and no one else had been in the flat. She finally inveigled him to write a diplomatic note to his mother. The reply was swift, brief and to the point.

‘If she had been sleeping in her own bed, she’d have found the sugar-bowl before now.’

I know this mother. Believe me, that’s the least she’s capable of!

Boiled Egg Hard to Beat

June 9, 2020January 26, 2005 by John McCullagh

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

You get to be burdened with debt if you can’t budge it.