Old …. never die..

 
Match these phrases with their endings below: 
 
before that, however, try guessing the answers…
 
 
 
Old teachers never die, they just lose..

Old golfers never die, they just lose..
Old convicts never die, they just lose..
Old sculptors never die, they just lose..
Old bankers never die, they just lose..
Old actors never die, they just lose..
Old professors never die, they just lose..
Old Egyptian tourists never die, they just go..
Old surgeons never die, they just..
Old farmers never die, they’re just..
Old geometry teachers never die, they just..
Old hookers never die, they’re just..
Old journalists never die, they just get..
Old rulers never die, they’re just..
Old magicians never die, they just..
Old pilots never die, they just go to..
Old thieves never die, they just..
Old foresters never die, they just..
Old vets never die, they just..
Old upholsterers never die, they just..
Old puncture repair men never die, they just..
Old blacksmiths never die, they just..
Old bakers never die, they just lose..
Old butchers never die, they just..
Old tailors never die, they’re just..
 
Answers: 
..their class
..their balls
..their appeal
.. their marbles
.. interest
..their parts
.. their faculties
..go senile (think about it!)
..get bypassed
..put out to grass
..go off on a tangent
..laid off
..depressed
..thrown away
..disappear
..to a higher plane
..steal away
..pine away
..go to the dogs
..don’t recover again
..are retired.
..forge on!
..the bap!
..get the chop!
..stitched up!
 
Your own contribution to Guestbook, please!
 
 
 
 

Santa the worse for wear

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As with most other unpaid, voluntary or occasional occupations, it is becoming increasingly difficult to recruit suitable applicants to play the role of Father Christmas now deemed essential at this time of year for SMEs, institutions and the like.  Beggars can’t be choosers and you make do with whoever you can get.
 
I suppose it was fortunate he was addressing pre-school age children who surely must have been unaware that he was a little the worse for wear when he arrived.  ‘Water! Water!’ he gasped as he walked in.  Suitably refreshed, he advised the infants to instruct their parents to leave out some bottles of Guinness for Santa on the fateful night.  ‘Santa’s very fond of Guinness!’ he chuckled.  Then he settled into his role.
 
He veered recklessly from encouragement to admonishment when he learned what the children expected to receive from his Christmas Eve visit.  He told of his grand-daughter who expected a computer but it couldn’t be afforded.  She can want all she likes, he added.  Looking to the astonished teachers he began to discuss relative prices in various town shops.
 
He clearly took a shine to one little girl, whose demands were very modest.  
 
‘Wouldn’t you like a bicycle?’ he smiled.
 
‘Oh, can I? Can I?’
 
‘Of course.  I’m sure you deserve a bicycle!’
 
I don’t know why I found this amusing!  There’ll certainly be ructions in one Newry household when Santa’s promises are not fulfilled.  
 
I think the teachers were relieved when he finally left.  For anyone who works in a school nowadays, every word must be carefully weighted against the possibility of litigation.
 
Everybody bar Santa, it seems!

Emergency Procedure

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Now be honest!!

After H M Government went to the trouble and huge expense of circularising every home with their timely and very informative booklet PREPARING FOR EMERGENCIES, you simply browsed it quickly, read the final summary [Go In, Stay In, Tune In] and then threw it out! Didn’t you?

You may, like me, have mentally noted the contrast with the Fire Service’s advice of Get Out and Stay Out and remarked that one likely emergency would be of your home in flames after an attack.

Ah, but you’re just being pedantic! Fire’s fire but a terrorist attack is different!

Well, except for the Twin Towers, Bali, Philippines, Turkey, Iraq, Nairobi etc. Anyway there was much more to the booklet than that and we would like to summarize its contents, now you’ve already binned it.

HOW TO RECOGNISE A TERRORIST

As your Government Ministers, politicians and police repeatedly inform you, terrorist incidents are always instigated by outsiders infiltrating an area. So your typical terrorist is definitely NOT ONE OF US!

He/she is ‘from the other side of the house’, of different ethnic origin, swarthy, usually with an ugly scar across his face, some broken teeth and wears an evil grin at all times. Do not be surprised if he carries a heavy suitcase monogrammed with the letters WMD. Should he attempt to pretend that his name is William Martin Drennan, or some such, you may show your erudition by boasting that you recognise the initials as ‘weapons of mass destruction’.

HM Government, long seeking that very thing, would like to hear from you should this contingency arise.

TUNE IN

In the case of future emergencies, the Government will filter and control information released to the public.

This is to offset the panic that arose for example, on the morning of 11.09.01 when unfiltered data was aired to the effect that the US Air Force had been scrambled with orders to shoot down any civilian aircraft still aloft after a short period. It was also suggested then that dozens of hijacked planes were in the air and had been long enough to now have even crossed the Atlantic, should that be the intention. Later events proved otherwise: the US Air Force, for example, never left the ground (unless there’s truth in the rumour that the last plane that ‘crashed’ in open country was in fact shot down, that morning).

Rest assured that only good and reassuring news will in future be aired on radio! Remember, if it comes from your Government, it is GOOD.  Otherwise it is just propaganda.

DON’T PANIC!!

First VERY IMPORTANT lesson is not to PANIC.

All right, the imminent attack might take the form of a 100-megaton nuclear device landing in your garden. Frankly should that happen, you’ll never know a thing about it. It could be a deadly nerve gas seeping under your door or rising up through your drains. Again, you’ll have no call to worry, for you’ll be gone before you know it!

It could be a deadly toxic virus in powder form sent through the mail to you. Don’t at any cost open any mail that does not bear the H M Government logo on it. And even then, call the Army Bomb Squad before venturing to open any package leaking white powder.

Or indeed powder of any other colour.  Fiendishly clever, these terrorists!

TAKE TO YOUR SHELTER!

As soon as possible build a reinforced bomb shelter in your garden. Make certain you dig deep enough to access the local water table, for fresh water supplies might be a problem in the event of nuclear attack. Should you be fortunate enough to live on land with a natural spring, why not build a shelter large enough to accommodate your whole neighbourhood?

RECOMMENDED FOOD PRODUCTS

Stock up with enough food to last for years.

We recommend 36 sacks of Neill’s Flour, 12 crates of Nestle’s Pot Noodles, 4000 tins of Heinz Baked Beans and 20,000 6-packs of Harp Lager. [H M Government is indebted to Neill’s, Nestle, Heinz and Harp for sponsoring this booklet!]. Please don’t forget you will need a tin opener! With such a diet, don’t forget to include a double-valve flue system to vent off human gas. The second valve is to prevent the entry of radioactivity from outside, which, if such a thing is possible, is even more toxic!

DOMESTIC PETS

At first hint of attack, kill, skin and bone all domestic pets and store the meat in the domestic freezer you will naturally have included in your bomb shelter. A petrol-driven generator will be required, but we would urge people not to stock up with extra petrol/diesel supplies, otherwise our oil might run out soon – what with Iraq, Saudi Arabia and all the rest.

MEDICAL AND SANITARY SUPPLIES

Stock up with all the usual medical supplies. We recommend Haliburton brand products since the Board of that company has made a small contribution towards our costs.

This pamphlet, which is printed on recycled paper from sustainable forestry, might itself be recycled to make the equivalent of ten sheets of luxury toilet tissue.

Further recycling is not recommended.

BOMBS

If a bomb goes off outside your building, stay inside in case there is a second bomb in the area.

If you saw the explosion, stay in the area and tell the police what you saw (unless, of course, you have reason to believe there is a second device in the area). In the latter case, get out and tell the police later. They would like you to help with their enquiries – for example, how come you knew there was a second device planted??  Would you prefer to be questioned at the police station or Quantanamo Bay, Cuba?

IF ENGLISH IS NOT YOUR LANGUAGE

How did you get this far if you don’t understand English?

Anyway, the pamphlet is available, should you require it, in Urdu, Estonian, Malibu, Rhumbabese, Salami and Clotted Cream flavours. Gaelic and Ulster Scots versions will follow soon – emergencies permitting. 

TRUST YOUR GOVERNMENT:SAFEGUARD DEMOCRACY: VOTE FOR US!

The pamphlet is for emergency guidelines only. DON’T PANIC. Your government is in control.

Have we ever lied to you?

We promise, when it is time to PANIC, we will give you 45 minutes notice.

P.S. A few handy hints.

If you find yourself trapped in darkness in a bombed building, do NOT search for gas leaks with a lighted match or candle.

Stay close to walls and tap on pipes so that rescuers can hear you. If you don’t smoke a pipe, perhaps you could sing – or call out, if you don’t feel like singing!

If an escape door feels hot, there’s likely to be a fire at the other side. Don’t open it, unless it’s the only way out. In the latter case, go for it. You have no alternative.

Remember the old adage, Women and Children First. If you happen to be a man, you may choose to ignore the adage.

Get to personally know your local police, Fire Workers and Emergency Service Personnel. This may win you preferential treatment in an emergency! (But keep your hands off the big brawny fireman with the cute dimple on his left cheek. He’s mine!). Such familiarity will help you distinguish between genuine Emergency Personnel and terrorists disguised as such.

Yes, they will even stoop as low as that!

For further information, log on to our website everymanforhimself.com.

School Howlers

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Concentrating upon words, their meanings, corruption and derivations, as we have been recently, brought to mind the true story of the substitute teacher who was concerned at the limited vocabulary of her charges. 

Since they were boys, she decided to test their use of adjectives in regard to their favourite sport of football.  How can you qualify the noun footballer?  ‘What??’  O.K.  Complete the sentence, ‘David Beckham is a … footballer’. 

Prompted thus, one boy offered the word ‘good’.  A second boy said ‘bad’.  As she went round the class, no further adjectives were offered.  ‘Good’ inevitably alternated with ‘bad’.  Eventually the pattern was broken.

‘Corrupt!’ said one little chap.

‘Now that’s interesting,’ said the teacher.  ‘Where did you pick up that word?  Was it from television?  ‘Corrupt’.  Are you thinking of some footballer who has been charged with a criminal offence?’

‘I didn’t say ‘corrupt”, he replied contemptuously, knowing well that his street credibility was on the line here, ‘I said ‘crap”.

It was a Catholic school and she was a dedicated religion teacher.  At Whitsun, forty days after the Ascension, the Holy Ghost descended on the apostles in the form of tongues of fire.   I admit I too get confused between these Feasts, the Ressurection, the Assumption and the Epiphany.  Anyway the question was asked to name the Feast Day celebrated at Easter.

‘I know,’ says our favourite pupil.  ‘It’s the Feast of the Erection!’ 

Shelve Him

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‘The man urgently needs shelving!’ the ambulance man offered – which I thought was a particularly harsh judgement from a medical man in the mercy business.  I checked my dictionary – shelve; to abandon, to cancel, put an end to.  What could he have done to deserve so harsh a judgment?

 

The crew had had to remove the door of his apartment by the hinges and clamour over mountains of magazines to rescue Patrick Moore from his paper tomb where he had been trapped for three days.

 

‘He is an obsessive collector of pornographic magazines with tens of thousands of publications stacked to the ceiling.  He’d made a corridor through so he could get in and out.  Finally he unbalanced the stacks.  I’ve no sympathy with him.’ 

 

So he had required him ‘shelved’ rather than the apartment!

 

Had he met a similar case before?  Harlem brothers Homer and Langley Collier were crushed to death by their collection of encyclopaedias and clutter in 1947.  It took 18 days to find the bodies under the debris which included a Model T Ford, an antique motorbike, a collection of stuffed rats and ten pianos.’

More Adverts

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More Newspaper Adverts:

Wanted:  single girls, to pick fresh fruit and produce on the night shift

We don’t tear your clothes with machinery: we do it carefully by hand!

For Sale: Three canaries of undermined sex

 Eight puppies from A German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy!

 Great Dames for sale

 Old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition

 Dog: Eats anything: is especially fond of children!

Hand-made gifts for the hard-to-find person

Wanted: Office Ass.  Also young females for various positions

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it for you!

Vermin problem? Have your home exterminated while you’re off on holiday!

  Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Bodrum, the breathtaking backdrop to ancient Hailcarnassus:  swim in the hotel pool while you drink it all in!

A gift for all the family:  Phillips’ toaster automatically burns toast!

Sheer stockings [designed for Fancy Dress]  So serviceable that many women wear nothing else!

Unbelievable reductions!! Stock up and Save!!!!  [limited to one per customer]

For Rent; 6-roomed hated apartment!

Work Wanted:  Man, very honest.  Will take anything!

Wanted: chambermaid for rectory.  Love in. 

Paper Clippings

Going through the papers recently, I noted down these snippets with a view to sharing them with you.

Paul Copeland, the Resident Magistrate, warned the offender that his actions could have had very serious consequences.  He banned John Ward from driving for 18 months and fined him

Black Cult

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‘It’s hard on me, especially’, said the Black Jesus, leader of the Dabsau Cult of Papua New Guinea, about the court ruling that had gone against him.  ‘But believe me, I’ll get to the bottom of this, if it’s the last thing I do.’  The judge had imposed a heavy fine and delivered a strong verbal reprimand.

‘You may call it an act of worship.  I call it gross indecency!  Taking your clothes off and playing with each other’s shameful parts is tantamount to causing a breach of the peace’.

The police commander had explained to the court.  ‘Any man or woman who enters their Centre is required to remove all clothing, go to the altar and play with the Black Jesus’ penis until he says whether they have passed the test.  Then they pair off and explore each other’s private parts as they work on sculptures of each other.  No one has complained of anything happening against their will, but it can’t be all legal and fair, can it?’  There was a hint of jealousy in his final phrase.

The heavy fine was quickly covered by voluntary contributions and the Cult’s following soared.  Nothing else was covered, but it was more than hearts that rose as a result!

Newry Journal