jokes old and new

Home Forums Journal Discussions jokes old and new

This topic contains 149 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  Pictionary 5 years, 2 months ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 149 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #3502

    the watcher
    Participant

    I walked into a bar and saw these two rather big ladies. They were talking away and so I went up to them and asked ” From your accent are you from Scotland?”
    They gave by a dirty look and replied ” No Wales,boyo, Wales”
    “Sorry” I said ” but are any of you two Whales from Scotland?”
    I don’t remember anything after that.

    #3504

    E.G.
    Participant

    Oldies but goldies..they are the best!

    #3507

    santanta
    Participant

    Oldies…which reminds me of when Watcher went into the Copper Grill and read the menu. He said to the waiter “I’ll have the pissholes “. In the dim light the waiter squinted at the menu and, pointing at the word “pissholes”, said “Actually, sir I think you must agree, that initial letter is not a P but an R. Watcher replied “OK, I’ll have the Rsholes”…..boom boom…..olidie I know but what the hell….

    #3512

    the watcher
    Participant

    A gentleman walked into a house of ill repute and asked for a girl by name. The Madame called for her and she came down to meet the afore mentioned gentleman. ‘Sir what can I do for you?’ she asked. ‘I want to spend the night with you and for that I will give you £5,000 cash in hand.’
    Well she jumped at the chance. The next night he arrived at the house again and got the same girl and paid her another £5,000. He did the same on the third night. The next morning she asked him he picked her out of all the girls in the place.
    ‘Well, do you know an old woman called Biddy Mulligan?’ he enquired.
    ‘Yes, she is my grandmother.’ she replied.
    ‘Well, I am sorry to inform you but she died last week.’
    ‘Oh, but what is that got to do with you bedding me for three nights?’
    ‘I am her solicitor and she left you £15,000 in her will.’

    #3543

    the watcher
    Participant

    On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across
    from him in the compartment.
    “You English are too stuffy.You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.
    “Look at me…. I’m ME. I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood.
    What do you say to that ?”
    The Englishman replied, “Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap !!! ”

    #3545

    the watcher
    Participant

    A Meada man walked into a shop: ‘Do you sell mass cards?’
    ‘Yes sir we do.’
    ‘Will you swop this ‘Get well soon card’ for a mass card?’

    #3600

    Pictionary
    Participant

    Watcher, you’re Heads A Marley, it was a Castle Street man!
    Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

    #3675

    oak tree
    Participant

    Two men set out big game hunting, on their journey they came to a fork in the road, it said bear left, so they turned and went home.

    #3682

    the watcher
    Participant

    Just before the last Celtic/Rangers there was a pep talk in the Rangers dressing room. It went as follows: ‘Right lads I know that Celtic have the league won but today I want you to go out there and beat the hell out of them. I don’t care what you do…punch, elbow, push, pull, kick or dive…just beat them.’
    At this point McCoist steps in, ‘Cheers ref… I’ll take it from here.’

    #3706

    the watcher
    Participant

    Beneath this stone lies Murphy
    They buried him today
    He lived the life of Reilly
    While Reilly was away

    #3715

    Pictionary
    Participant

    Officer to driver going the wrong way up a one way street. “And where do you think you are going?”
    Driver: – “I’m not sure, but I must be late as everyone else is coming back.

    #3723

    the watcher
    Participant

    Two dentists,after working for twenty years together, decided to call it a day. They used to pull together now they pull apart. ( Taken from the Newry Reporter 1893, and it shows)

    #3724

    oak tree
    Participant

    Policeman to motorist he had just stoped, whats your name? Motorist, to tell you the truth constable, I gave it to a policeman this morning and he never gave it back to me.

    #4043

    the watcher
    Participant

    Housework was a woman’s job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

    It turns out that Dave had read an article that said, ‘Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex’.

    The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her friends all about it. ‘We had a great dinner. Dave even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.’

    ‘But what about afterward?’ asked her friends.

    ‘Oh, that……….. Dave was too tired.’

    God is good

    #4054

    the watcher
    Participant

    Robin Hood was lying on his death bed and he call Friar Tuck in from the forest.
    ‘Tuck’ he says in a very weak voice, ‘I have not long to go. I want you to lift me up so that I can see my beloved forest through younder window’. Tuck did as he was told and as he was laid back on his bed Robin said ‘Tuck one last request; give me my trusty bow and an arrow and let me fire it. Wherever it lands that is where I want to be buried.’ He agreed to this request.
    Tuck hands him his bow and arrow and with trembling hands Robin fires off the arrow.
    True to his word that is where Tuck buried Robin Hood……on top of the wardrobe!!!!!

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 149 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.