jokes old and new

  • This topic has 148 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 7 years ago by Anonymous.
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    • #3502
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I walked into a bar and saw these two rather big ladies. They were talking away and so I went up to them and asked ” From your accent are you from Scotland?”
      They gave by a dirty look and replied ” No Wales,boyo, Wales”
      “Sorry” I said ” but are any of you two Whales from Scotland?”
      I don’t remember anything after that.

    • #3504
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Oldies but goldies..they are the best!

    • #3507
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Oldies…which reminds me of when Watcher went into the Copper Grill and read the menu. He said to the waiter “I’ll have the pissholes “. In the dim light the waiter squinted at the menu and, pointing at the word “pissholes”, said “Actually, sir I think you must agree, that initial letter is not a P but an R. Watcher replied “OK, I’ll have the Rsholes”…..boom boom…..olidie I know but what the hell….

    • #3512
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      A gentleman walked into a house of ill repute and asked for a girl by name. The Madame called for her and she came down to meet the afore mentioned gentleman. ‘Sir what can I do for you?’ she asked. ‘I want to spend the night with you and for that I will give you £5,000 cash in hand.’
      Well she jumped at the chance. The next night he arrived at the house again and got the same girl and paid her another £5,000. He did the same on the third night. The next morning she asked him he picked her out of all the girls in the place.
      ‘Well, do you know an old woman called Biddy Mulligan?’ he enquired.
      ‘Yes, she is my grandmother.’ she replied.
      ‘Well, I am sorry to inform you but she died last week.’
      ‘Oh, but what is that got to do with you bedding me for three nights?’
      ‘I am her solicitor and she left you £15,000 in her will.’

    • #3543
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across
      from him in the compartment.
      “You English are too stuffy.You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.
      “Look at me…. I’m ME. I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood.
      What do you say to that ?”
      The Englishman replied, “Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap !!! ”

    • #3545
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      A Meada man walked into a shop: ‘Do you sell mass cards?’
      ‘Yes sir we do.’
      ‘Will you swop this ‘Get well soon card’ for a mass card?’

    • #3600
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Watcher, you’re Heads A Marley, it was a Castle Street man!
      Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

    • #3675
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Two men set out big game hunting, on their journey they came to a fork in the road, it said bear left, so they turned and went home.

    • #3682
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Just before the last Celtic/Rangers there was a pep talk in the Rangers dressing room. It went as follows: ‘Right lads I know that Celtic have the league won but today I want you to go out there and beat the hell out of them. I don’t care what you do…punch, elbow, push, pull, kick or dive…just beat them.’
      At this point McCoist steps in, ‘Cheers ref… I’ll take it from here.’

    • #3706
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Beneath this stone lies Murphy
      They buried him today
      He lived the life of Reilly
      While Reilly was away

    • #3715
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Officer to driver going the wrong way up a one way street. “And where do you think you are going?”
      Driver: – “I’m not sure, but I must be late as everyone else is coming back.

    • #3723
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Two dentists,after working for twenty years together, decided to call it a day. They used to pull together now they pull apart. ( Taken from the Newry Reporter 1893, and it shows)

    • #3724
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Policeman to motorist he had just stoped, whats your name? Motorist, to tell you the truth constable, I gave it to a policeman this morning and he never gave it back to me.

    • #4043
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Housework was a woman’s job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

      It turns out that Dave had read an article that said, ‘Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex’.

      The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her friends all about it. ‘We had a great dinner. Dave even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.’

      ‘But what about afterward?’ asked her friends.

      ‘Oh, that……….. Dave was too tired.’

      God is good

    • #4054
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Robin Hood was lying on his death bed and he call Friar Tuck in from the forest.
      ‘Tuck’ he says in a very weak voice, ‘I have not long to go. I want you to lift me up so that I can see my beloved forest through younder window’. Tuck did as he was told and as he was laid back on his bed Robin said ‘Tuck one last request; give me my trusty bow and an arrow and let me fire it. Wherever it lands that is where I want to be buried.’ He agreed to this request.
      Tuck hands him his bow and arrow and with trembling hands Robin fires off the arrow.
      True to his word that is where Tuck buried Robin Hood……on top of the wardrobe!!!!!

    • #4071
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Two old women met for the first time in years. The conversation went as follows:
      ‘Mary, God it’s good to see you. I thought your were dead.’
      ‘Well why didn’t you come to my funeral?’
      ‘Sorry I was sick and did not find out till a month later.’
      ‘Well I did not see you at my months mind. Oh sorry you were sick. I am sorry I did not go to see you in hospital but I was dead.’
      ‘That’s ok. Got to go now. Keep in touch and let me know when you die so I can get to your funeral.’

    • #4073
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      biggest joke of the year.
      Armagh!
      I.m a fan so what does that make me>>>>>>>>

    • #4102
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I used to work for the Samaritans and rang in sick one day. They talked me out of it!

    • #4137
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy
      about having to sell condoms to the public.
      The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she
      would be willing to run the shop on her own.
      She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

      “Look,” he said. “My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they’ll
      ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large].
      The word condom wont even be used.

      The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the
      shop, put out his hand and said “350”..

      The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of
      her predicament.

      “Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his
      legs” her boss told her.

      She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between
      his legs. “Yes “!!!! she said ” He’s got one hanging there”….!

      The boss said “Go back in and give him £3-50………………….He’s
      the Window cleaner”!!!!!!!

    • #4155
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Daddy, daddy… Why is it that everyone calls me stupid?
      – I don’t know kid; I am not your daddy.

    • #4172
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      A couple were getting fed up with the barking of the dog next door. It went on for days and even when they went to complain there was still no respite. The husband decided to take the law into his own hands. The wife watched as he stormed out of the house and then she heard the barking getting closer and closer. The husband came in and the wife asked him what he had done. He replied ‘ I have tethered him in our garden. Now see how they like it!!!!!’

    • #4175
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop checked the man’s driver’s license, he said, “You’re wearing glasses on your ID and you’re not now. I’m going to have to give you a ticket.”
      The guy said, “Officer, I have contacts.”
      The cop said, “Look, buddy, I don’t care who you know, … I’m giving you a ticket.”

    • #4180
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      A prisoner in a Dublin court to the justice; I was sober enough to know I was drunk.

    • #4204
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I came home from work today and the wife wasn’t there. She left a note on the TV, ‘It is not working. I am leaving.’ Well I switched it on and it worked at once.Stupid woman.

    • #4210
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      From the” Newry Telegraph,”When they stood up to sing, there was not an empty seat in the house.

    • #4235
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      The reason why my father was poor, he was a blacksmith in a one horse town.

    • #4249
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Talking to a friend of mine who was down in the dumps.
      ‘Why the long face?’
      ‘I lost my job last night.’
      ‘What happened, old friend?’
      ‘ Well I was in the pub at closing time and the barman was shouting ‘Have you no homes to go to!’ I left and went to work and when I went in I shouted the same thing and they fired me.’
      ‘That’s terrible. What were you working at?’
      ‘In a Salvation Army hostel.’

    • #4266
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Jack, my wifes an angel. Mick, your lucky mines still alive.

    • #4354
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      A man writing a leter of condolence to the widow of a late colleague said, I cannot tell you how sorry I was to hear that your husband has gone to heaven. We were great friends and it sad to think that we will never meet again.

    • #4448
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I went to the doctor and complained to him that I was deaf in my left ear.
      He looked into it and said ‘Do you know you have a suppository in your ear?’
      I thought ‘Now I know where I put my hearing-aid.’

    • #4454
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Q. What did the fish say when it swam into the wall?
      A. Dam!

    • #4461
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Spotted outside a rural cinema, “Love is a many splendoured thing”.For three days only.

    • #4552
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      This is a true story.
      Two old friends in a pub, where I go ‘sometimes’, were having a bit of an argument
      One shouted.’ I have medals for boxing, you know’.
      The other retorted, ‘Well I have summons for fighting.’
      Argument ended in laughter.

    • #4565
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says,
      “No way, buddy, you’re too drunk.”
      A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom. Again he slurs, “Give me a drink,” and the bartender says, “No, man, I told you last time — you’re too drunk”
      Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, “You’re too drunk”
      The drunk scratches his head and says “Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing.”

    • #4571
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Did you ever notice that musicians play and doctors practice but the rest of us work for a living!
      Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

    • #4595
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      A Dublin firm sent the following letter to customers whose accounts were overdue; Man is dust. Dust settles. Be a man.

    • #4602
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      When Ted was putting flowers on his Grandmother’s grave he noticed a man, very distraught, in front of a tombstone several yards away. The man was on his knees, hands tightly clasped in front of him, rocking back and forth, head tilted upward to heaven, tears streaming down his cheeks, moaning softly, “Why did you die? Why did you die?” Over and over again.
      Ted was overcome with emotion at this sight and went over to the poor man to try and console him. “Why did you die? Why did you die?” bellowed the man again and again. Ted gently put his arm around the man and half whispered to him, “My Grandmother is buried just over there. Is a loved one of yours buried here?”
      “No,” sniffled the man, “It’s my wife’s first husband.”

    • #4614
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      A county Cork farmer came in to give instructions for his will, and after a long discussion the solicitor said, “Thats all right. You leave it all to me”. “God I suppose i’d better”, said the farmer,”for one way are another you’ll probably get it anyway”

    • #4616
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      A policeman brought four boys before a judge. 
      “They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor,” he said.
      “Boys,” said the judge sternly, “I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency. 
      Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong.”
      “My name is George,” said the first boy, “and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen.”
      “My name is Pete,” said the second boy, “and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen.”
      “My name is Mike,” said the third boy, “and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen.”
      “My name is Peanuts,” said the fourth boy.

    • #4643
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Fans comment on referee; he wouldn’t  see a foul in a hen house.

    • #4681
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      The following 3 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country. 1 “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”

      2 “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

      3 “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

    • #4690
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      A man charged in court with stealing a hay fork was told  that  the prosecution could produce two witnesses who saw him do it. He replied; Well I can find a dozen who didn’t.

    • #4720
      Anonymous
      Inactive

       

      Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years. 

      This year, Ron’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. 

      Bitterly disappointed he phones and tells the others that he can’t go.

      Two days later, the other guys get to the camping site only to find Ron 
      sitting there with a tent already set up. 

      “Dang Ron, how did you talk your missus into letting you go?”

      “Well, yesterday evening, after my wife finished reading “Fifty Shades 
      Of Gray,” she dragged me into our bedroom, on the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! 

      She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, so I did. 

      Then she said, “Do whatever you want.”

      So, here I am !!!

    • #4723
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      A young girl came home from a date looking sad. She told her mother, “Charles proposed to me a few minutes ago.”
      “Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
      “Because he also mentioned he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t believe there’s hell!”
      Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”

    • #4733
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      He, in night club ‘Hi would you like to come home and go to bed with me?’

      She , in same night club ‘I beg your pardon! I don’t go to bed with any man who asks me.’

      He ‘ Neither do I. So what about it?’

    • #4759
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      A COWBOY’S TOMBSTONE:
       Russell J. Larsen had the following inscribed onhis headstone in Logan, Utah. He died not knowing
      that he would someday win the ‘Coolest Headstone’ contest!
       FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
       1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
       2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
       3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn’t lie to you.
       4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
       5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

    • #4760
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Edward Hale, while chaplain of the U.S. Senate, was asked, “Do you pray for the senators?”
      He quickly replied, “No. After getting to know the senators, I pray for the people.”

      Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

    • #4766
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      During the war a gentleman said to his servant; “Pat whats all that noise in the street?” Oh nothing sir; they’re only forcing a man to join the volunteers.

    • #4768
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried a creative defense to get his client off the hook. “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few paltry items. His arm is not himself, so I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed soley by his arm.”
      “Well put,” the judge replied with a grin. “Using that same logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. Your client can accompany the arm or not, as he chooses.”
      The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s help, he detatched his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

    • #4785
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him an exam and found nothing physically wrong with him. “Listen,” the doctor said, “if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you need to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”
      “It’s true,” said the patient, “but my wife refuses to sleep alone.”

    • #4847
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Verdict of an Irish jury;  We find that the man who stole the mare is not guilty.

    • #4892
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      An Irishman was opposed to building a new wall around a graveyard because; Those outside don’t want to get in and those inside can’t get out.

    • #4923
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      A student comes to a young professor’s office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly.”I would do anything to pass this exam,” she says.She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. “I mean,” she whispers, “I would do anything…”He returns her gaze, “Anything?””Anything.”His voice softens, “Anything?””Anything,” she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. “Would you … study?”

    • #4931
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Two flies were playing football in a saucer. One said to the other, we’ll have to do better than this. We’re playing in the cup next week.

    • #4940
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    • #4946
      Anonymous
      Inactive

       

       

       

          Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.  Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

          The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54.  A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

          The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote.

          General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, “Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad.  We don’t ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth”.

          Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands , Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, “I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.  They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.  Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife.  It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off.  I don’t like cutting benefits but I’d hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.”

          Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England , Ireland , Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.

          According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle.  Many Muslim Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.

    • #4964
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

    • #4971
      Anonymous
      Inactive

       Murphy once described the three games of football common in Ireland: In rugby you kick the ball, in soccer you kick the man if you cannot kick the ball, in gaelic you kick the ball if you cannot kick the man.

    • #4975
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      The husband leans over and asks his wife, ‘Do you remember the first time we had s*ex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.

      Yes, she says, ‘I remember it well.’

      OK,’ he says, ‘How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?’

      Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!’

      A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.

      The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

      The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in… Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious s*ex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

      The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.

      After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.

      So, as the couple passes, he says to them,’ Excuse me, but that was something. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?’

      Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

      ‘ Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence’

    • #4980
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Despite objections a judge insisted on holding a court in a small Irish town on Good Friday. A lawyer commented , well your lordship, you’ll be the first judge to sit on this day since Pontius Pilate.

    • #4990
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.

      Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

    • #5000
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Asked how many his jaunting car would hold the Killarney man replied: If you sit contagious it will hold four, and if you sit familiar it will hold six.

    • #5222
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Notice in estates agents; House to let for ever, or longer if requiered

    • #5228
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I had a problem yesterday with my computer so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. 
      Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. 
      As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong? 
      He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’ 
      I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 
      ‘An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’ 
      Eric grinned … ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before? ‘No,’ I replied. 
      ‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’ 
      So I wrote down: 
      ID10T 
      I used to like Eric, the little sh#thead .

    • #5234
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      An important person being introduced to an audience; He is known all over the world and other places besides.

    • #5242
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      When I was young I shoved a peanut up my nose and couldnot get it down. I was in tears as it was very sore. My dad came from work, had a look at it, and came up with the solution. He heated up some chocolate and poured it my nose. The peanut came out a Treat.

    • #5246
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chick Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered. “We’ll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci,” he said. “Sorry, sir,” said the waiter. “That”s the owner.”

    • #5256
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Two guys met in the middle of the desert. One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella. The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella, “Why are you carrying that umbrella around, it isn’t going to rain in the desert?” To which the guy with the umbrella replies, “Yeah”, but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way, why are you carrying around that car door, you don’t even have a car to go with it” The guy with the car door says, “yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun I can just roll down the window!”

    • #5257
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      An Irishman complaining of the hazards of marriage said; If I had my time to come again I would never marry so young, even if I lived to the age of  Methuselah.

    • #5288
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      A cop pulls a young guy over:
      “Hello officer” said the smart aleck kid.
      “Young man did you see that stop sign?” asked the cop.
      Yup, but I didn’t see you.

    • #5300
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      An Irish begger said with feeling; Spare a copper sir, Iam face to face with an empty stomach

    • #5464
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum

      > velocity.

      > The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne

      > fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

      > American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the

      > windshields of their new high speed trains.

      >  Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

      > When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled

      > out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to

      > smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer’s

      > back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an

      > arrow shot from a bow..

      >The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the

      > experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British

      > scientists for suggestions.

      >  Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

      >  “Defrost the chicken.”

    • #5467
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
      A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
      A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
      A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

    • #5511
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      There was the old pub man on St Stphens Green who drank his whisky with his eyes closed. Asked to explain his strange habit he said. It’s like this, whenever Isee a glass of whiskey my mouth waters and I don’t want to dilute it.

    • #5592
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      The Curse;   The curse of it is that when you’re learning golf you hit nothing , and when you’re learning motering you hit everything.

    • #5633
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, “then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?” ”Yes, your honor.”
      “And why was that?” “Because my wife wanted a dress.”
      The judge check with his records, “But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!”
      “Yes sir. She made me exchange it two times.”

    • #5649
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      “I presume Mrs Murphy, you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours? “Indeed I do sir, its a lock of my Dan’s hair.”  But your husband is still alive.” Yes sir, but his hair is all gone”.

    • #5670
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for £600.
      The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!.”
      The plumber quietly answered, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”

    • #5678
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      After an oration at the graveside of a famous writer, an old woman was heard to say. Wasn’t it worth his while to die to have the likes of  that said about him

    • #5693
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Banta’s son: Dad there is some one at the door to collect donations for a swimming pool.
      Banta: Give him a glass of water.

    • #5732
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Visitor, to old man; Have youlived here all your life?  Old man, I don’t know, I haven’t died yet.

    • #5755
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      A few days before her birthday a husband asked his wife, “Dear, what would you like for your present?”
      Wife: I really don’t think I should say.
      Husband: How about a diamond ring?
      Wife: I don’t care much for diamonds.
      Husband: well, then, a mink coat?
      Wife: You know I do not like furs.
      Husband: A golden necklace?
      Wife: I already have three of them.
      Husband: Well, gosh, what do you want?
      Wife: What I’d really like is a divorce
      Husband: Hmmm, I wasn’t planning on spending that much.

    • #5774
      the Watcher
      Guest

      > A police motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.
      > The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
      > So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
      > The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
      > When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an “AH” in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The ‘violator’ for his signature. The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the “AH” and demands to know what it stands for.
      > The officer says, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you’re an arsehole!”
      > Two months later they’re in court. The ‘violator’ has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
      > On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
      >  Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; “Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?”
      >  Officer responds, “Yes, sir, that is the defendant’s copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.”
      >  Lawyer: “Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don’t normally make?”
      > “Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an “AH,”
      > underlined.”
      > “What does the “AH” stand for, officer?”
      >  “Aggressive and hostile, Sir.”
      >  “Aggressive and hostile?”
      >  “Yes, Sir.”
      >  “Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for arsehole?”
      > “Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”

    • #5776
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Policeman: “Did you get the license number of the car that knocked you down?”
      Pedestrian: “No, but I know who it was. My mother-in-law!”
      Policeman: “How can you be so certain?”
      Pedestrian: “I’d recognize that laugh anywhere!”

    • #5829
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      “And who can tell me the name of the speaker of the house?” asks the fourth form teacher. Billy’s hand shoots up,” Mammy” he shouts.

    • #5900
      the Watcher
      Guest

      If Sadam Hussain had married Little Miss Muffit would the Kurds have got their way?

    • #6471
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      A husband says to his wife. “Iwas a fool when I married you” ” I know” she replies.  But I was in love and didn’t notice.

    • #7288
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      A man walkes into a book shop and says, “can I have a book by Shakespeare”? “Of course sir”, says the salesman.” Which one”? “William” the man replies.

    • #7616
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      A woman’s work that is never done is the stuff she asks her husband to do.

    • #8263
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      A sandwtch walkes into a bar. The barman says. “Sorry we don’t serve food in here”.

    • #8800
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Three men walked in to a bar. You think one of them would have seen it

    • #8838
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      A boy asks his father . “Daddy,how much does it cost to get married?” “Don’t know son”.replies Dad. “I’m still paying.”

    • #8864
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      The man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner. “You said this watch would last me a lifetime,” he yelled. “Yeah,” admitted the owner. “But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it.”

    • #8914
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Father to son . “Let me see your report card.” Son. “You can’t. My friend just borrowed it . He wants to scare his parents”.

    • #9340
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      A little boy says, “Dad i’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man dosen’t know his wife until he marries her.” “Son” says the dad. That happens everywhere.”

    • #9852
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

    • #10136
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Q: Why was the math book sad
      A: Because it had too many problems

    • #10265
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

    • #10405
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Did you hear about the secretary who hung her dress behind the office door,then took her boss to the cleaner’s?

    • #10458
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Judge: Haven’t I seen you before?
      Man: Yes, Your Honor. I taught your daughter how to play the drums.
      Judge: Twenty years!

    • #10787
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      She said she was approaching forty–I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.

    • #10968
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      What did the first stoplight say to the second stoplight?
      A: Don’t look I’m changing!!

    • #11008
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

    • #11077
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Q. What do you call a polar bear with ear muffs?
      A. Anything you want, he can’t hear you!

    • #11144
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I took my old banger for a service yesterday—the mechanic advised me to keep the oil and change the car.

    • #11207
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      There are only two rings in marriage, “the wedding ring” and “the suffering

    • #11572
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      He’s been married so often, his certificate says. “To whom it may concern.”

    • #11700
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Sign in a Police Station: It takes about 3500 bolts to put a car together; but only one nut to scatter it all over the road.

    • #11706
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Tom’s circus was so unsuccessful even his elephants have forgotten when they had their last booking.

    • #11771
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      An executive was interviewing a young woman for a position in his company. He wanted to learn something about her personality, so he asked, “if you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?”

      She quickly responded, “The living one.”

    • #11822
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Here’s to alcohol—the cause of, and solution to,all of life’s problems. (Homer Simpson)

    • #11868
      the Watcher
      Guest

      This is a true story. I was in ‘Meat Boutique’ in Hill Street Newry getting my ingredients for my fry. They had a sign outside the door stating that ‘All of our beefburgers contain only Beef. They are sourced from our farms so we know what is in them’. I got talking to the butcher about this and said that they must very happy with the way things are going for family butchers. He replied,’ Yes we are. We just can’t keep up the amount of burgers people are buying. They are galloping out of the shop.’ Newry people can be very funny at times.

       

       

    • #11923
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Glen, why do you always get so dirty? Asked the teacher.
      Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are. He replied.

    • #12034
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      A woman is telling her friends.  Of course it was me who made my husband the millionaire  he is today”.” What was he before you got married” ?asks a friend.  “A billionaire” replies the woman.

    • #12152
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      A sign posted in a Dentist’s office said:

      “Please be nice to our dentists. They have fillings too.”

    • #12297
      the Watcher
      Guest

      My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.  

      The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog

      could then hear fine.

       

      The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should

      go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.   

      Andrea went to the store and bought some “Nair” hair remover.  At the register, the pharmacist

      told her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.”

      Andrea said, “I’m not using it under my arms.”

      The pharmacist said, “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t use body lotion for a couple of days.”

      Andrea replied, “I’m not using it on my legs either.  If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.” 

       

      The pharmacist says, “Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week.”

    • #12370
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Belfast playwright Joe Tomelty said. ” If there’s music in hell it’ll be the bagpipes.”

    • #12620
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      From the Dublin Opinion;  The curse of it is that when your learning golf you hit nothing , and when you are learning to drive you hit everything.

    • #12699
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store. When the store opened, a client comes in, and asks one of the clerics: are you the fish fryer? Oh, no, the cleric answers, I’m the chip monk!

    • #13240
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      A letter from a Dublin firm.  We beg to inform you that vacancies are full.

    • #14181
      the Watcher
      Guest

      Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
      > elderly widow
      > and asked, ‘How old was your husband?’
      > ’98,’ she replied: ‘Two years older than me’ .
      > ‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented.
      > She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?’
      >

      >
      >
      > I’ve sure gotten old!
      > I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
      > new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes,
      > I’m half blind, I can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
      > I take 40 different medications that
      > make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
      > I have bouts with dementia. I have poor circulation;
      > I hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
      > I can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92.
      > I have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
      > I still have my driver’s license …….

    • #14204
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Happiness is having a large, loving,caring close-knit family—in another city.

    • #14365
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Married couples, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one a wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof — the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, “I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me.” So the fairy picked up her wand and poof — the husband was 90.

    • #14522
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Dear Son;  I have written to you five times asking you a simple question, but I got no reply. What do you think you are.?  A government department.

    • #14967
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Sir Edward Carson, the Unionist leader said;  Mr Asquith was like a drunken man walking a straight line, the further he went the sooner he fell.

    • #14998
      best knife set
      Guest

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    • #15377
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Notice in a vets waiting room.  Back in five minutes.  Sit!  Stay!

    • #15543
      Jones sabo among them power saw digging
      Guest

      I have read this post and if I could I want to suggest you some interesting things or advice.

    • #15583
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      John;  I drink to steady my nerves. Last night I got so steady I couldn’t move.

    • #15611
      Jones sabo konnen sie beobachten milan against zen
      Guest

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    • #15899
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      John;  Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?.

    • #15967
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      One day a man is walking down the street when he sees an old man with a nice looking dog. He goes over to the man and asks: ‘does your dog bite?’ the old man replies ‘No never’. When the man bends down to stroke the dog, it immediately takes a snap at his hand. The man says ‘I thought you said your dog did not bite! ‘I did’ replies the old man, but this isn’t my dog!’

    • #16238
      Jones sabo audio-video nightly rentals is the best
      Guest

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    • #16802
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      A woman has the last word in any argument–anything a man says after that is the beginning of  a new argument.

    • #16920
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      What is the difference between a woman and a battery?
      “A battery always has a positive side.”

    • #17390
      Jones sabo it all in the future resurfaced progres
      Guest

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    • #17405
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Which fish sleeps the most?—–The kipper

    • #18719
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Old lawyers never die,  they just lose their appeal.

    • #19713
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Some months have 31 days, how many have 28 days? All of them.

    • #20016
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. “Was I getting in the tub or out?” she yells.
      The 94-year-old hollers back, “I don’t know, I’ll come up to see.” She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, “Was I going up or going down?”
      The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful”, and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

    • #24558
      eyelid
      Guest

      This design is steller! You most certainly know how to keep a reader entertained. Between your wit and your videos, I was almost moved to start my own blog (well, almost…HaHa!) Excellent job. I really loved what you had to say, and more than that, how you presented it. Too cool!

    • #24790
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      John, “Do you drink to excess?” Pat, “I’ll drink to anything”.

    • #28161
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      There were 3 friends stranded in an island. Exploring the island, the 3 men found a bottle so they opened it. A genie came out, and she said that she would grant them 3 wishes. The first man said, “I wish I was with my family” then poof he was with his family. The second guy said “I wish I was in a bar with my friends” then poof he was gone. The third guy was feeling bad and the genie asked, “What’s wrong?” The man said, I’m lonely I wish my friends were here. Poof, his two friends were back in the island.

    • #28652
      Anja
      Guest

      Hmm is anyone else having problems with the images on this blog loading?
      I’m trying to find out if its a problem on my end or if it’s the blog.

      Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

    • #29276
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      A police officer stops a woman and asks for her licence. He reads it and says, “lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.” The woman answers, “I have contacts.” “I don’t care who you know”, says the officer. “You’re getting a ticket.”

    • #35869
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”(-Groucho Marx.)

    • #60992
      goods
      Guest

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    • #72340
      promisee
      Guest

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    • #91971
      Anonymous
      Inactive

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