Dollar’s Demise

We’ve all got so much older and wiser in recent years that it has become difficult to impress us with new technology. Yet I have a tale to tell in this vein. As this story concerns two men who are sadly deceased, but one who is very much alive and who might take umbrage, I shall refer to them by the initials D, E and V.

Explain this if you can!

It must be galling for our local magistrates to have to listen to some defence lawyers’ appeals on behalf of incorrigible offenders. 


‘They were acting completely out of character .. come from a solid and stolid family … had ingested excess alcohol … have since seen the light .. families committed to assisting them .. sworn to put their lives in order.’


Rarely have any of our solicitors had to face a task as formidable as that of Gary Newbury defending twenty-five-year-old Jamie Williams of Glamorgan.  Police investigating a house break-in found him cowering in an attic. 


The bottom half of his body was covered in blue ink and nothing else, neither underwear or trousers.  On top he wore the pink, shiny nightie of the lady homeowner and at his feet was a black, lacy all-in-one female body suit.  In his pocket was a torn white bra and stuck on his foot was a used condom.


Mr Newbury explained that he had broken into the house with theft on his mind.  Things then took a bizarre twist.  He accidentally knocked something over on a shelf and found himself covered in an inky substance.  Naturally he took off his saturated clothes.  He grabbed some of the homeowner’s clothes to mop up the ink, but only succeeded in smearing it over himself.


Hearing the police arriving he naturally put on the pink nightdress to cover himself and stuffed the other garments in his pockets.  He had no idea how a used condom had come to be stuck to his feet.


‘This incident has been a painful lesson to my client.  He has had to endure ridicule, smirking and name-calling.  He has had to do a great deal of explaining to his family and friends.’


To his credit, Mr Newbury delivered this explanation with aplomb.  Still Williams was jailed for four months. 



Valene Kane

Best-known for playing kidnap victim Rose Stagg in The Fall, Newry-born actress Valene Kane…