‘When we first noticed him, he was going totally crazy, ripping off branches from the trees in that garden, tearing up the lawn and roaring something terrible. Then he just s*a* right out there in the open view of everyone.
John McCullagh
S Armagh Placenames
Goragh (-wood) of the goat
Keggal An Cagall
cockle or tare’s land
Note that the cockle and the tare are both weeds of corn fields
Kilmonaghan Monaghan’s wood
Kilrea coil a’Riogh, wood of the River Rye
Knockduff Cnoc Dubh, the black hill
Lesh Leis, thigh-shaped land
Levalleymore Leath-bhaile Mor, the greater half-townland
Lislea Lios Liath, the grey fort
Lisnagree Lios na groi, fort of the brood/mares
Lissaraw Lios a Rath, Mound of the fort
Meigh Maigh (Dysart), secluded plain
Maytown Maigh d’Tamhain, plain of the herds
Mullaglass mullach glas, the green summit
Serse baile na seisreach, town of the ploughland
(neither comprehensive nor concluded [see Latt, 5.6.04 and previous])
Agnes: Toilet Etiquette
Dear Agnes,
Please don’t laugh at my problem like everyone else does!
It’s to do with the correct way to hang the toilet roll in its holder.
I recognise that there may be more weighty affairs in the world (indeed, I missed an episode of Coronation Street this week!) but this thing is beginning to threaten our marriage.
You see, I am left-handed and the roll-holder is screwed to the toilet wall to my right when I’m sitting there. If I try to tear off a strip of appropriate length when my wife has hung it loose end out, the whole roll unravels onto the floor.
I cannot re-position it one-handed and it’s most indecorous to be mooning about in that position to do the job.
I’m getting on in years and sometimes forget to close or lock the bathroom door and one time, our neighbour Mrs Patton screamed to see me as she walked down the hall to join my wife in the sun-lounge.
No matter how often I reverse them, my wife has the toilet rolls in all three bathrooms hung trailing end out in a jiffy.
What is the correct etiquette here?
I’m relying on you.
Godfrey Browning
Dear Godfrey,
Your underlying problem is that you’re a cornaptious, ignorant oul’ git and your wife would be well shot of you should the marriage end over this (t)issue.
My sympathy goes out not just to your long-suffering angelic wife but also to the unfortunate Mrs Patton who had to suffer the spectacle of an ageing Lothario with his trousers round his ankles doing pirouettes in the bathroom.
So you have three bathrooms and a sun-lounge!! And how subtly you inserted that gem of information!!
Get a life, you dirty old man!!
Agnes Dayee
P.S. Your wife was right, of course, as are women inevitably when it comes to matters of fashion, etiquette and style – three things, doubtless, you know nothing of!!
Kilnasaggart Stone Plaque
A number of our most popular tourist attractions have recently been embellished with informative plaques outlining the significance of each. We believe the information contained is of interest not just to tourists in situ but might indeed help to attract visitors from abroad.
Agnes: Sleeplessness
Dear Agnes,
I must write to ask how you go about getting a good night’s sleep.
I have tried everything from counting sheep to decorating the house. I even transformed the garden but despite these strenuous activities I cannot find sleep.
I am under the attention of my G.P. who diagnosed me as an insomniac. Flattered as I am that she thinks me so intelligent, it doesn’t help my rest.
Now as I lie awake when all around me are snoring their heads off, marvelling at how clever I am, I wonder will I ever again need to sleep at all? Or is this just a phase I’m going through?
Yours desperately
Drooping Eyelids.
__
Dear Sir or Madam (your nom-de-plume doesn’t determine which!)
I’m not confident that Drooping anything is the real problem here! Indeed I was slightly alarmed to read that ‘in the middle of the night, all around you were snoring their heads off!’. Just how many people are you sleeping with at the one time?? Is this a harem of yours that you refer to as ‘sheep’?
And in the night hours you still find time to decorate the house and transform the garden? You want to take yourself in hand!
No, on second thoughts, that’s not a good idea! Perhaps you can get someone else to do just that!
I was glad to learn you were under the doctor! I advise you to stay right there. She may provide the physical exercise required to induce sweet slumber.
That’s what works for oul’ Dayee and me! Not the doctor, of course, but the bedroom exercises. Despite his name – like the Tory leader Michael Howard – he has ‘something of the night’ in him. And thank heavens for it!
Agnes
Agnes: Legal Aid Required
Dear Agnes,
I’m hoping you are an expert in the law as in so much else.
My problem is I don’t know who to sue for injuries I sustained a week ago while stripping unwanted lead piping and wood furnishing from an abandoned mansion in the Windsor Hill area of Newry.
I know you will be familiar with the house in question – next to McManus Court – as it has featured in one of your articles on Newry Journal.
In fact there is another ‘preserved’ building recently wrecked in Sugar House Quay and my friends and I would be interested to investigate the possibilities there too, but we need to know where we stand.. you know what I mean?
Yours truly,
Jemmy Crowbar
Dear Jemmy,
It’s an interesting question but I don’t have an answer.
Provided you fulfil the criteria, you may be entitled to legal aid on the matter. The town’s full of solicitors offering legal aid. The worst that can happen is that the public will become aware of just who is responsible for leaving unguarded that eyesore and death-trap.
You are a very public-spirited gentleman!
You may wish to forewarn the ambulance authorities before your next venture, just to ensure your early delivery to hospital should you sustain a second accident.
(Agony) Agnes Dayee
Meadow Rangers
We were runners-up in the Meadow League in 1963, just a few short years after its inauguration. I cannot recall who beat us but I suspect it was High Street’s Rockview Rangers. It usually was.
Agnes: Betrayed
Dear Agnes,
Forgive my presumption but I know the signs.
I’ve been there and done that, read the book of the film and suffered the temper tantrums.
I’ll swear you are a classic case of a woman suffering from ‘the change of life’.
Despite what you may have heard about it, I thoroughly recommend you try HRT (Hormone Replacement Treatment).
I could not have come through these past few years without it. Now my health is restored and my gentle temperament has returned.
You too could be like me if you really tried.
Yours truly,
Trudi Lopez
____________________________________
Hi Angela
Thought you’d fooled me there, didn’t you?
Couldn’t you have picked a less obvious alias than one derived from the name of your mother’s favourite singer?
It’s the dread that I might morph to become like you that drives me out of the house to work every morning!
I ought to warn you, you most ungrateful child, you have already been written out of my Will, and indeed of your father’s too, so your little plan will fail!
So where did you hear that HRT increases the risk of early death from contracting fatal conditions such as cancer and heart problems?
You surely didn’t read it. Never could master the reading, eh dear??
And don’t think I haven’t noticed that lickspittle you employ hanging round my house with her loaded syringe ever ready to plunge into me!
But the police have been informed and will blame you, no matter who wields the murder weapon.
Be a good girl and stop interrupting mummy while she’s at work!
There, now. Go away!! Annoy your dad instead.
Your darling Mum!
(Editor’s note: Since this last entry, Agnes Dayee has been taken ill and will be temporarily indisposed! How temporary will depend on the authority’s interpretation of the Fair Employment Law; that law which requires that we take our quota of ‘people like that’ on to our Staff!!)
Boys of their Time
This is a trial run, to see how an extended photo shows up in Slideshow format. These lads were pupils of the Abbey when that aerial photo we have recently been featuring was taken. We would be grateful for confirmation of identity!