Agnes: Toilet Etiquette

Dear Agnes,
Please don’t laugh at my problem like everyone else does!

It’s to do with the correct way to hang the toilet roll in its holder. 

I recognise that there may be more weighty affairs in the world (indeed, I missed an episode of Coronation Street this week!) but this thing is beginning to threaten our marriage.

You see, I am left-handed and the roll-holder is screwed to the toilet wall to my right when I’m sitting there.  If I try to tear off a strip of appropriate length when my wife has hung it loose end out, the whole roll unravels onto the floor. 

I cannot re-position it one-handed and it’s most indecorous to be mooning about in that position to do the job. 

I’m getting on in years and sometimes forget to close or lock the bathroom door and one time, our neighbour Mrs Patton screamed to see me as she walked down the hall to join my wife in the sun-lounge. 

No matter how often I reverse them, my wife has the toilet rolls in all three bathrooms hung trailing end out in a jiffy. 
What is the correct etiquette here?

I’m relying on you.

Godfrey Browning

Dear Godfrey,
Your underlying problem is that you’re a cornaptious, ignorant oul’ git and your wife would be well shot of you should the marriage end over this (t)issue.
My sympathy goes out not just to your long-suffering angelic wife but also to the unfortunate Mrs Patton who had to suffer the spectacle of an ageing Lothario with his trousers round his ankles doing pirouettes in the bathroom.
So you have three bathrooms and a sun-lounge!!  And how subtly you inserted that gem of information!!
Get a life, you dirty old man!! 
Agnes Dayee
P.S. Your wife was right, of course, as are women inevitably when it comes to matters of fashion, etiquette and style – three things, doubtless, you know nothing of!!

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