Fun Stuff Archives | Page 26 of 26

More Adverts

June 9, 2020January 22, 2004 by John McCullagh

More Newspaper Adverts:

Wanted: single girls, to pick fresh fruit and produce on the night shift

We don’t tear your clothes with machinery: we do it carefully by hand!

For Sale: Three canaries of undermined sex

Eight puppies from A German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy!

Great Dames for sale

Old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition

Dog: Eats anything: is especially fond of children!

Hand-made gifts for the hard-to-find person

Wanted: Office Ass. Also young females for various positions

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it for you!

Vermin problem? Have your home exterminated while you’re off on holiday!

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Bodrum, the breathtaking backdrop to ancient Hailcarnassus: swim in the hotel pool while you drink it all in!

A gift for all the family: Phillips’ toaster automatically burns toast!

Sheer stockings [designed for Fancy Dress] So serviceable that many women wear nothing else!

Unbelievable reductions!! Stock up and Save!!!! [limited to one per customer]

For Rent; 6-roomed hated apartment!

Work Wanted: Man, very honest. Will take anything!

Wanted: chambermaid for rectory. Love in.

Stick them up!

June 9, 2020January 22, 2004 by John McCullagh

‘We weren’t being brave! We just couldn’t understand what he wanted.’ So said staff from William Hill Bookmaker’s shop at the High Court in Glasgow. ‘He pointed what looked like a gun at us and kept saying, ‘giv.. giv.. give me the mo..mo..mo, or..or..’ but he had a speech impediment and couldn’t finish the sentence. We knew he was up to no good so we pushed the alarm button. But he still kept spluttering and stammering, when the police came to arrest him, so he never got the money. He climbed on to the anti-bandit screen and was mouthing incoherent sounds when the police arrived with CS canisters and riot shields. He got six years.

It brought to mind a similar occurrence some years ago in Scoot O’Neills in Lower Mill Street. One particularly unlucky regular had lost his all when he returned with a weapon and wearing a balaclava, and demanded the takings. My old mate Peter Donaghy was behind the screen.

‘B****r off, Mickey! We’re busy!’ he ordered.
‘H..H..How di.. di.. did you kno.. know it.. it wa..wa..was me?’ he enquired, clearly puzzled. The place erupted in laughter and applause. Micky retired lootless, wearing a particularly quizzical expression on his hunched shoulders!

Paper Clippings

June 9, 2020January 15, 2004 by John McCullagh

Going through the papers recently, I noted down these snippets with a view to sharing them with you.

Paul Copeland, the Resident Magistrate, warned the offender that his actions could have had very serious consequences. He banned John Ward from driving for 18 months and fined him

Black Cult

June 9, 2020January 7, 2004 by John McCullagh

‘It’s hard on me, especially’, said the Black Jesus, leader of the Dabsau Cult of Papua New Guinea, about the court ruling that had gone against him. ‘But believe me, I’ll get to the bottom of this, if it’s the last thing I do.’ The judge had imposed a heavy fine and delivered a strong verbal reprimand.

‘You may call it an act of worship. I call it gross indecency! Taking your clothes off and playing with each other’s shameful parts is tantamount to causing a breach of the peace’.

The police commander had explained to the court. ‘Any man or woman who enters their Centre is required to remove all clothing, go to the altar and play with the Black Jesus’ penis until he says whether they have passed the test. Then they pair off and explore each other’s private parts as they work on sculptures of each other. No one has complained of anything happening against their will, but it can’t be all legal and fair, can it?’ There was a hint of jealousy in his final phrase.

The heavy fine was quickly covered by voluntary contributions and the Cult’s following soared. Nothing else was covered, but it was more than hearts that rose as a result!

Man eats lion!

June 9, 2020January 5, 2004 by John McCullagh

‘After the first dozen animals had disappeared, my suspicions were aroused,’ said the Director of the Cologne municipal Zoological Gardens, thus proving how au fait he was with the situation.

Shoot the taximan!

June 9, 2020December 10, 2003 by John McCullagh

Malaysia’s Minister of Tourism may have found a novel tourist attraction.

‘Putting a few taxi drivers up against a wall and shooting them, as an example to others,’ is his solution to alleged rudeness and overcharging on their behalf. Perhaps surprisingly – or maybe not so, given his country’s human rights record – his suggestion has met with a muted response.

Throw another bottle!

June 9, 2020December 4, 2003 by John McCullagh

The former model and wife of Sir David Frost is recovering in hospital from the effects of an overdose. Sir David found wife Lady Carina (50) unconscious at their Chelsea home after returning from a US interview with ‘President’ George W Bush.

That would be the fastest way!

June 9, 2020November 6, 2003 by John McCullagh

The local man was on the Cullaville Road in Crossmaglen when he was approached by an American tourist.

“Excuse me, sir”, said the latter, “But could you tell me the fastest way to Newry?”