Agnes: News from ITN

Dear Agnes,

Don’t you just LOVE the new ITV news format? 

Those curved catwalks down which that perfect couple display their pristine, designer outfits? The constant walking from A to B:  the graceful turns to face the camera?  The sexy flared slacks of that young thing whose name eludes me? The way she stands with legs wide apart … perhaps not to obstruct the  backdrop monitor … perhaps just to exhilarate me and others like me? The confident smiles, revealing those perfect teeth? That huge curvilinear back-setting where each successive news item is dramatically illustrated in widescreen format?

But perhaps I’m getting carried away.  SHE can carry me away anytime she likes!

I wanted to ask you whether they make up the news as well as read it. 

You see, it bears little resemblance to Newsnight, Channel 4 News or the RTE news broadcasts. Can those companies not afford the large orchestra that embellishes each ITV item with a roll of drums or a crash of cymbals? Some of those heavy-metal guitar solos too just freak me out!!  I must congratulate the sound man, who ensures that NOBODY falls asleep while he’s around Then, rather thoughtfully I believe, he raises the volume by 50% when the adverts come on!  I mean, let’s face it, the ads are the best part!  And if you’re boiling the kettle for a quick cuppa, you NEED increased volume!

The best part is that it’s news ‘for the way we live today’, as the Centra adverts say! There’s far more good news than there ever was before! Remember when they had to insert a silly story at the end, just to lighten proceedings? Now the WHOLE news is like that!

Could you possibly use your influence to get me a photo of the said lovely lady? 

One in which she’s not over-dressed, if you get my meaning?

Yours in hope

Randy Oldman


Dear Randy,

I would never think to feed your perverted fetish with any photo – or anything else, you punk! 

And, NO!  They’re not permitted to just make up news out of their silly little heads!

So they do the next best thing. 

They trivialise it.

Perhaps an example will suffice.

Today’s news from the ITN……

England has as good as qualified for the European Cup Finals next year by their superb defeat of Austria last night. The match as a sporting spectacle was an unqualified disaster, but it’s the result that counts, not the sport! 

..the discovery by a BRITISH laboratory of a vaccine against cervical cancer could mean the total eradication of this killer cancer in the near future. The BRITISH team was led by Rhamadash Zhawinski who predicted that all diseases might soon be eradicated thanks to the efforts of his team of BRITISH scientists!

The England captain Becks was unfairly sent off in last night’s crucial European Cup match against Austria. The English fans must be congratulated for their restraint as they didn’t do as much damage as usual in the ensuing riots. There were other games played but you don’t want to hear about them, do you?

The Asian earthquake could have taken as many as 18000 lives. Maybe 30,000.  We just don’t know yet!  But now the good news….

Rescue workers today dragged a domestic pet alive from the rubble of a multi-story flats complex. Here is some footage of the rescue…..

The Foreign Office reports that it is unaware of any British casualties, so it could have been worse, couldn’t it? Fortunately the quake struck in a mountainous region, far away from the holiday resorts frequented by BRITISH tourists.

A few thousand people died in mudslides in Guatemala as a result of Hurricane Stan.  Fortunately again, these happened in a mountainous area where few BRITISH people have invested in second homes, so the value of these will be unaffected.

None of the countries affected are known to have oil reserves so we’ll have no particular need to invade them to sort matters out.  World oil prices will be unaffected and the value of your home should continue to rise.  Here at ITN we like to bring you the good news.

That’s all the news for the moment.  The weather follows………..

And now, over to Cilia Fuddlebrain, our bumptious, grinning bimbo who makes light of the weather with her infectious, giggling style of vocal delivery!


 Is this the way you like it, Oldman?

Just answer me this, Randy.

Is this the way YOU want to live today?

Were it not for the fact that we immigrated in the first place, my family and I would strongly consider emigrating from such a ‘way of life’.  

You’re welcome to it!!!


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