Eye candy sought

This is rather a delicate matter, Agnes, so I hope I can rely on your discretion! 

I trust I am not too late to enrol on an evening course at the Newry Institute?


I tried to get on (!) the ladies’ aerobics class but they appear to have introduced some petty rule that debars males like me!  I was prepared to exercise behind all the others and remain largely incognito.  I’m considering suing them for gender discrimination.

I had actually paid up and was attending the English for Immigrants class (all that lovely foreign totty, you understand!) but they asked me to leave, despite my realistic and very genuine claim that Ulster-Scots is my native tongue (I’m from Cullybacky) and my ancestors are immigrants from Scotland! More discrimination.

Could I take them up under the Belfast Agreement?

I’m merely in search of a little ‘eye candy’, if you know what I mean?

My psychiatrist recommended that I get out a little bit more – and a little bit is all I’m seeking.

Could you suggest some other Course suitable for me?

Yours sincerely

Randy Oldman


Dear Randy,

I hear the Australians are looking for a replacement for their late Crocodile Hunter.

I suggest that someone as antediluvian as you would be the perfect choice.

Go walkabout, dinosaur!






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