John McCullagh July 13, 2019
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Dear Agnes

I’m relying on your discretion here, so don’t let me down.

I made my first fortune a few generations  ago, and as well as money it gained me a fine filly.  She soon turned fat and flabby and distinctly self-centred and after a few years she scarpered, taking the childer and a large share of my wealth with her. 

The border here was a great thing then for smuggling cattle both ways and claiming export credits on both sides.   So my problem is two-fold:  what will I smuggle over the new soft-hard border, to restore my economic standing:  and what’s the going price nowadays for a new, fresh wee filly?

I’m older now, I admit, but I still have a lot to offer.  Everything’s still in fine working order, if you get my drift!  I’m not a choosey man:  she can be any colour, race or nationality, provided she has all her own parts and a nice firm body.

Advise me please.  Stay away from the fags, drugs, diesel and cattle.  I’m the expert there, if you know what I mean!  If I go into the people smuggling, do you imagine I’d come across a suitable filly, all for myself?

Yours in expectation.

Ebenezer Screws.

Eb,

You probably think your pseudonym  (no more Screws, for you, pervert!) and withholding your address protects your anonymity – but I have news for you! 

We have already traced your location through your URL  (never mind what it means – you’re too old and twisted to understand, even if it was explained to you.)

Listen for the knock on the door, idiot!  That’d be the Garda (yes, we know you’re in the Kilcurry area. )  They are working with full cooperation with the PSNI, who are currently caging your wee hideout in Culloville, across that ‘hard-soft’ border.

See you in Court, you old goat!

Agnes

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