Pest Control

Dear Agnes,

I am plagued by the worst neighbours in the world, who constantly host all-night orgies with thump-thump-thump ‘beats’ going until dawn …  

I really must get out to tidy up that garden sometime soon!

… who break holes in my hedge to push their three Rottweilers through to intimidate my family and to defecate in my garden rather than their own, whose children climb the low wall that divides us to steal my property and uproot my plants, and who, mysteriously have the support of the local Council officials for all their wrongdoings.

Please can you offer any suggestions ?

Bea Leaguered


Dear Bea,

After an all-night ‘party’ next door, take your son’s super-powerful hi-fi into the garden and play Mozart at full volume from 8 am to 12 noon. That is their sleep period.  Mozart will sound to them as the ‘beats’ do to you.

Now for the little horrors! Try installing an electric fence. If you can stand the smell of cooked flesh, wire it to the mains; otherwise, use industrial-sized batteries. You can always claim ‘pest control’ in court: isn’t that exactly what you were attempting?

Broken glass cemented to the top of garden walls is now frowned upon by the same lily-livered authorities you complain of. I would suggest a more subtle approach. Install a trip-wire in front of your garden barbeque; leave some sausages sizzling there as you pretend to leave in the family car on an important errand. Slip back inside your home and watch from a hidden vantage point. You should at least catch the Rottweilers but you may get more lucky than that!

You might try a few loose hanging nooses amid your hedge. If you catch a Rottweiler, call the dog warden to have him humanely ‘put down’. If he has strayed onto your property, he is a ‘stray’ and must be treated as such.

I find the old traditional catapult with marbles ideal for pest control – i.e. pests of any description, nature or size. You are, after all, just protecting your own!


P.S. If you find yourself in court, I will personally organise the protest demonstrations! 

Good luck and Happy Hunting in Your Pest Control !


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