John McCullagh March 22, 2007
SeanInHammock.jpg

Dear Agnes,

I am single, still in my mid-20s, dashingly handsome – though I say so myself – and I’m a highly successful professional man.


The late, great Sean Hollywood, relaxing!

I have a good sense of humour and a full head of black, elegantly-styled hair (all my own! Ha ha!) and an excellent fashion sense.

Why on earth can it be that I find myself unable to locate a suitable young lady to settle down and share my life and my good fortune with?

The few I’ve met very quickly lose interest.

And really all I want is a long-term relationship with some attractive, intelligent, fun-loving, warm-hearted girl!

Where am I going wrong?

Yours sincerely
 

Ebenezer Fartwell

 


 

Dear Eb,

How can I say this without giving offence?

Have you ever thought of changing your name by deed-poll?

Your parents must have been particularly cruel to add insult to injury, giving you a first name like Ebenezer to addend to the surname Fartwell.

How many young ladies might relish the prospect of becoming Mrs Fartwell?

As to the rest, I have insufficient information to be going on.

Do you smell? 

No! I mean, is there an unhealthy smell of you?
 

Are you as desperate in ladies’ company as you sound in your letter?
 

Do you ever think – or talk – about anything other than yourself?
 

Are you – ah-hemm! – well-endowed in the nether regions?
 

I accept your contention that you have a good sense of humour.
 

How else would you have survived this far with a name like yours?
 

Agnes

 

 

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