The letter from the mail people, under the logo in the top right had a textphone number for ‘the deaf and the hard of hearing’.
The text of the message below was clearly aimed at the ‘slow of learning’.
‘I understand from your complaint, it read,
that you have lost a cheque in the mail for the third time in as many years.
When are you going to learn?
Didn’t you understand from the nationally televised programme some months ago, that NOTHING is safe in the mail? Every item of value immediately disappears without trace.
We would like to be able to help but unfortunately it’s our own workers that are making off with them!
Our trained workers can tell from ten paces which items of mail contain anything worth stealing. Surely you gathered this after your first experience? But THREE?
I am reminded of Oscar Wilde’s riposte to the woman who said she had ‘lost’ three husbands and was now single again.
‘Once might be considered unfortunate,
but THREE strikes me as sheer carelessness!’
For your advice: second class postal service is precisely as it says!
First class is similar, though a higher percentage gets through and faster.
Recorded Delivery entitles you to compensation when we lose your mail.
Registered Mail is costly but the ONLY way to send anything of any value.
All in all, stick to the Pony Express!
Hoping that this successfully addresses your issues.
If you are not happy with this reply, why don’t you go take a jump?
CUSTOMER SERVICES BRANCH
(The above conveys the gist, if not the precise text of a reply recently received!)