John McCullagh October 22, 2005
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‘It was very embarrassing for us in the Drugs Squad!’ admitted Iqaf Hemlock, Assistant Police Commissioner of Adelaide, Australia, talking of the sniffer-dogs at his disposal.
 

‘They sniffed out and identified as criminals the most innocent people possible – infants in diapers, the best-groomed and freshest-smelling adults, ladies who had recently bathed themselves! 

The worst part was the way they concentrated on the groin area and became quite excited! To our eternal shame, a few infants’ nappies were actually torn off by these dogs’ fangs!’

He went on to explain that the seven dogs had been intensively trained to sniff out, not class ‘A’ drugs like cocaine and heroin, which it was claimed were unavailable to the police (though apparently others could source them easily enough!) – but scented talcum powder! 

Unsurprisingly, though all agreed that a terrible mistake had been made, no one had been found to blame for the error. The Adelaide police emphatically denied any possibility of collusion between organised drug barons and police personnel. 

‘It was an administration error. A bag of white talcum powder was wrongly labelled ‘Cocaine’ and another ‘Heroin’. Some lowly assistant was doubtless responsible. We’ll soon sniff him out!’

‘Not using those dogs, you won’t!’ I quipped. 

He was unamused. I hastened to regain his favour.

‘We might be able to help, here in Northern Ireland!’ I said.

‘Really? That would be great!’ Hemlock said. 

‘But how?’

‘Well,’ I beamed, 

‘Just ask any politician here and he’ll tell you that the dogs in the street can identify the drug-dealers in the community!

How many would you like us to send over to you?’

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