‘He was a decent aul skin!’ the man quipped about his recently deceased father.
John McCullagh
Mayor Parrot
The mayor of Guayaquil in Ecuador has found a talented stand-in to fulfil his duties when he is otherwise engaged. At a specially arranged press conference last week he introduced him to his fiercest critics, the city’s press corps. They have pursued him relentlessly recently over the social security ‘reforms’ he has been trying to introduce.
Castlereagh and Corry
The mid to late 1700s was among the darkest periods for the great majority of the Irish people, dispossessed, disenfranchised, barred from holding public office or filling most positions of employment because of their Catholic faith, landless and spoken of, and to, as inferior beings. The feelings engendered were exacerbated by living among others who were benefiting from the expanding Industrial Revolution of Britain. This prosperity was unashamedly built upon the ruthless exploitation of the resources (human as well as material) of the colonies.
North Street Merchants
Further to Malachy O’Grady’s remarks in Guestbook. Permit me to add these notes based on an address given a decade ago at a One Day Seminar held in The Abbey by Dromore Diocesan Historical Society.
Fish as pets
The poacher was stopped by the warden with two buckets of fish. He was asked for his fishing licence.
“You don’t understand,” said the man. “These are my pets.”
Knitting Minister
‘It may well be that there is nothing in standing orders specifically forbidding knitting during debates,’ Opposition Leader Bill English told the New Zealand Parliament in Wellington.
‘But a Minister knitting baby bootees while presiding over her Department’s legislation smacks of contempt. These needles could be interpreted as dangerous weapons and should be banned.’
Perhaps had he read Dickens’ Tale of Two Cities and its story of the revolutionary women of France knitting names of traitors to be later executed, into their seemingly innocuous patterns, he might have thought twice about his intemperate outburst.
Judith Tizard, Minister of Commerce demurred.
However retired MP Marilyn Waring objected to the Speaker’s ruling that knitting was not allowed from the Minister’s chair.
‘I have knitted in this House for nine years – thirty two garments including a three-piece suit. I can say without fear of contradiction that this was the most productive output of all the debates I have ever witnessed here!’
Fish Soup!
The Hole Story
Good Evening, Ladies!
During the War (WW2) three ‘working girls’ from Hull were short of customers – what with all the young men being away in Europe – so they combined their resources and opened a fish & chip shop. All went well until the German blitz began and their fish store received a direct hit. In explanation, they erected a sign in the window:
FOR SOME TIME, FISH WILL BE LITTLER – BLAME MR HITLER !
Things began to pick up, when unfortunately they were hit again, this time the potato shed receiving the brunt. A new sign went up:
FOR A WHILE, CHIPS WILL BE SIMILIAR – BLAME MR HIMMLER !
The third bolt from the blue (literally) demolished the fish & chip shop entirely. The sign then read:
GONE BACK TO WHORING – BLAME MR GOERING !
*******************
Linda Robson, actress from Birds of a Feather was recently the victim of a mugging at her home in London. As she stepped into the street from her front door, a boy on a mountain bike struck her on the face and snatched the bag she was carrying.
‘He may be in for a surprise’, she explained. ‘I had just cleaned up after my new puppy that is not yet house-trained. I was about to dispose of the bag in a skip outside my home’.
*******************
The teacher was reported to government authorities for cruelty. The Moroccan official was less than sympathetic towards the moaning parents or the little delinquents.
‘She warned the boys she would throw them out of the window if they were not quiet.
They did not listen. They should have listened.’
Ah, the good old days!
********************
You have seen your own favourite examples of Lonely Hearts ads in newspapers. There are almost half a million lonely German farm workers. An internet dating service (www.landflirt.de) has adverts tailored to their needs. One ad makes clear their need:
‘Wanted: young woman who likes early mornings, inclement weather and the smell of animal waste products.’
It seems to work. The man who placed this ad said,
‘I’ve found the woman of my life’.
Then there is this one taken from a provincial Irish newspaper.
‘Teacher, single, male, mid-forties, tall, attractive, own home, seeks lady teacher, ex-religious (Mercy), 36-44 years. Confidential.’
Well, I suppose if you know exactly what you want, you should go for it!
*****************
As you’re reading this from the Internet, you’ve probably heard about eBay, the internet auction site where almost everything is on offer. Try it. If the seller uses the site often, he/she has been given a rating, which is something to go by.
Anyway a Russian buyer has bid