Message in a Bottle

Dear Agnes,

My problem is in rather doubtful taste but if deemed unsuitable for publication, I’d hope you’d answer privately to my attached email address.

It’s that perennial problem of dogs c***ping in other people’s gardens and whether or not there is a simple solution, such as the plastic bottle half-filled with water.  

By the way, does that work, and if so, why?

But NO! A brighter solution presents itself, in my case at least. 

You see, I know the dog in question, and the fact that it is corralled all day at the end of a sturdy chain in a chicken-coop enclosure close to my home, while the owner is at work and his house is empty. ………………..

Why don’t I relieve myself over Bunty while he’s all tied up? I thought. 

What could be simpler? 

The solution struck me while watching the mother of a recalcitrant ‘biting’ child take literally the punishment ‘in kind’ theory and bite her own child to teach him how it felt! 

Wow, how he ROARED! 


[And NO! I won’t reveal the mother’s name, in case Dervish {of your previous problem letter} gets to hear and has the poor long-suffering mother clapped in irons!}

Sincerely Yours

Sidney James


Dear Sid         (of the semi-detached Suburban Mister, I presume?),

It all sounds rather dangerous to me! 

But then again, I suppose if you’re just p**ing – and if it’s just a long shot …

But I’d protect my own assets if I were you! 

It’s my belief that Bunty won’t take kindly to your proposed action, and dogs have a memory the envy of elephants! Not many people know that!

You might be best advised to use a real hose, if one is readily available!



P.S. Apparently dogs see their own image magnified in the plastic bottle – and being cowards to the last mutt – run away scared! 

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