John McCullagh January 16, 2007
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In view of recent ‘political and security developments’ we sent our roving reporter to the Ardmore Fortress on the Downshire Road, in search of an interview with a real, live, local PSNI man (or woman).

He was a long time in arriving and our anxious scribe was beginning to feel involuntarily detained, but eventually the interview room door opened. 

 

From here, he takes up the story …

 


‘Ah, I is happy to see you. My namf ees Constabule Lewinski.’

‘Not a very common name in these parts, Constable. Where are you from?’

‘I Katholique, from South Armagh. I am for all the Katholique peoples here!’

‘Lewinski. I’ve heard that name before. Why is it so familiar?’

‘Ahh! Monique! ‘I did not have sex with THAT woman!”

‘I made no accusation against you, officer!’

‘No, no, you not understand. It was Clinton!’

‘I don’t care who had relations with her.

Talking about relations, do you have any?’

‘All my family – there is twelve – we live in ferry container in farmyard in Camlough. They pick mushrooms, my wife and children and cousins. I am for the Republican people in the police.’

‘And before that?’

‘Ah yes, now I see. Poland. We is all of Poland!

But in Great Ireland for ten months now!’

‘And you’re the only local representative on the PSNI?’

‘Oh no! No, no, no! No, no no, no NO!

I have brother who is kop also!’

I had had enough and wanted to get down to the nitty-gritty.

‘I have been commissioned to discover why your fellow officers in the NCP, the Redcoats, as they are called, have targeted the worshippers of Ballybot by issuing parking tickets to all the mass-goers,’ I said, all in a rush.

He looked puzzled a long time. Then a grin spread over his face.

‘Ah, you make little laugh with me,’ he smiled.

‘Ees no ticket for Mars … I not silly.’

‘Not Mars … mass, you know MASS (making the sign of the cross..).

Ahh Mass. Mass. I know. I Katholique too. Hail Mary, full of grace ..’

‘Excuse me. Could you see me out of here, please?’

‘I see you in here. What is this mean? ‘..see me out of here ..’?’

I stormed off, no more enlightened than when I had entered.

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