John McCullagh May 11, 2006
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Our administrator works in the field!  Here’s a few choice recent responses!


Customer:  I’m trying to connect to the Internet with your CD,
                  but it just doesn’t work.  What am I doing wrong?

Tech support:  OK, you’ve got the CD in the CD drive, right?

Customer: Yeah….
 
Tech support:  And what sort of computer are you using?

Customer:  Computer? Oh no, I haven’t got a computer. It’s in the CD player
                  and all I get is weird noises.  Listen…..

Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!

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Tech support:  What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer:  A white one…

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Customer:  Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out.

Tech support:  Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer:  Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.

Tech support:  That doesn’t  sound good; I’ll make a note.

Customer:  No .. wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on
                  my desk… sorry….

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Tech support:  Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on the left of the screen.

Customer:  Your left or my left?

============== =

Tech support:  Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer:  Hello… I can’t print.

Tech support:  Would you click on "start"  for me and…

Customer:   Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me!
                   I’m not Bill Gates, damn it!

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Customer:   Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I
                   try, it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed
                   it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it…

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Customer:           I have problems printing in red…
Tech support:     Do you have a colour printer?
Customer:           Aaaah………………..thank you.

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Tech support:     What’s on your monitor now, ma’am?
Customer:          A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for  me in the supermarket.

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Customer:            My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support:       Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
Customer:            No. I can’t get behind the computer.
Tech support:      Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:            OK
Tech support:      Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer:            Yes
Tech support:      That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
                            Is there another keyboard?
Customer:            Yes, there’s another one here.         Ah…that one does work

===============

Tech support:        Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital
                              letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer:              Is that 7 in capital letters?

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Customer:                I can’t get on the Internet.
Tech support:          Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer:                Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support:          Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer:                It’s easy!!   Five stars.

===============

Tech support:          What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer:                Netscape.
Tech support:          That’s not an anti-virus program.
Customer:                Oh, sorry…Internet Explorer.

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Customer:             I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my
                             computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

===============

Tech support:         How may I help you?
Customer:              I’m writing my first e-mail.
Tech support:         OK,  and what seems to be the problem?
Customer:              Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get
                              the circle around it?

===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
printer.

Tech support:            Are you running it under windows?
Customer:                 "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
 

                               The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window! 
                              His printer is working fine."
===============
Tech support:  …       and you say you’ve lost your word document on Soccer Rules.
                               Go to your Sports Section and search the folders there!

Customer:                 We’re only a one room office.  We don’t have a Sports Section.

                               Or did you mean .. in today’s newspaper?


The British Home Affairs Minister explained New Labour’s policy.

‘We strive to deliver a holistic action plan that is evidence-based, action-orientated, takes an end-to-end approach and provides a sound basis for positive  action and interaction!’

The journalist beside me seemed less than convinced.  I asked for his interpretation.

‘When we’re not lying through our teeth,’ he translated helpfully,

‘We’re procrastinating for all we’re worth!’

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