Lonely Hearts

Single farmer in the autumn of his years, seeks sensitive, nubile young nymphomaniac for housekeeping purposes and maybe more.  I can offer your own bedroom too, if ever you feel the need to use it!  Must have wide, ‘child-bearing’ pelvis.

Nest of nubile Russian young and beautiful virgins seeks rich, randy,  sexually active men for fun and games …

Disbarred priest – accused in the wrong – seeks the comfort of former parishioners, male or female – I’m not fussy no more!

Spiteful, drunken, amoral hoodie seeks alibi for last Saturday night after 11 pm.  Out of my mind, as usual, so can’t be held responsible for the criminal offences I’m accused of.  No money to pay you, but some time I’ll be YOUR alibi when you need one!

Ambidextrous (hint, hint, nudge, nudge!) former Presidential candidate seeks handsome young man to comfort me in my sorrow!

Once-cute, guileless Irish colleen, famous for one simpering Eurovision song, recently ‘talent’ show panellist, seeks to replace the above weirdo as your potential President.  Any support welcome.  Bless!

Embittered, disillusioned, rejected, hatched-faced virago seeks male Bridge partner to persecute.

Retired surfer seeks water bed – to remind him of the good, old times

Collection of back-number Adult Magazines for sale – well-fingered and slightly stained.  Offers.

Mad Provo who held on to his guns, seeks female companion of like mind, to tour the country Bonny & Clyde style, robbing banks and killing people

Ageing, balding, foul-smelling Hilltown farmer (RC), large farm of land with brand new tractor, in desperate need of a s**g.  Anything considered  (really!  Anything!) …

Practising Catholic seeks the comfort and company of another of like mind, male or female, if such a person exists any more!

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