Newry News and Irish Fun
The police arrived promptly in response to a father’s call that his son had sustained an injury as a result of a collision. Cars had been left abandoned and strewn across the scene. Some had been deliberately rammed into each other, reports suggesting that some drivers were even laughing as they ploughed into their victims, sending them into a spin.
‘He was silent to begin with. The pet-shop owner had promised the parrot would learn quickly but I had spent weeks trying to teach him to say simple things like ‘Hello’, ‘Goodbye’ and ‘Who’s a pretty boy, then?’
Not a word. The dumbest parrot you ever heard. I felt robbed. In anger I expressed my feelings aloud. Then it happened. I know no one believes me, but I didn’t teach him those words. I’m a committed Christian. I don’t use words like that. From his perch in the corner he poured a barrage of invective at me. He seemed to understand the rules of grammar too. If I shouted at him, ‘Silly b****g bird!’ he’d shout back, ‘Stupid bloody man!’
I know I shouldn’t have but I had to test him. I went through my limited vocabulary of foul language. I was on a hiding to nothing. I learned a lot of words from him that I should never have heard. Finally I lost the rag completely, grabbed him from his perch and strangled him.
It was only at that point that I realized I might have killed the goose that laid the golden egg!’ he remarked, rather mixing his metaphors.
Officials in Henan province confirmed that no action would be taken against Li Yong.
All of which put me in mind of the fellow who, somehow or other, managed to bring his dog with him into the cinema. A few seats behind, a friend watched in amazement as the pet reacted to the action on the silver screen, apparantly laughing at the funny parts and crying at the sad bits.
Outside afterwards, he shared his astonishment with his friend.
‘You’re surprised?’ he answered. ‘I’m amazed myself.
He absolutely hated the book!’
Our teenspeak of old, in reference to some calamity that had befallen a friend or foe, was that he had been
“s**t upon from astronomical heights.”
The story brought this to mind.
“If there’s anyone who knows what s**t is then surely it’s me,” said plumber Murray Norris.
“I came home on Friday evening,” he told reporters, “to find this evil-smelling brown muck splattered all over my roof and wall. I immediately guessed that it came from an aircraft toilet so I complained to the Civil Aviation Authority. They blamed the mess on a bird, yet some of the patches are three metres across.
If that’s a bird it must be the largest one on the planet with a serious diarrhoea problem. My neighbours’ homes were covered too.”
Bill Sommer of Wellington, New Zealand’s Civil Aviation Authority charitably conceded,
“It might have been several birds acting in unison!”
Guy Dansie of the Public Health Department commented,
“It’s almost impossible to tell where it’s coming from but it’s falling from the sky.
There’s only one major source of human faeces up there, isn’t there?
“Unless Jack’s Beanstalk giant is still up there with a serious bowel problem,” he added.
Facetiously, I thought.
Yesterday’s questions were really, really easy, weren’t they?
Well. Let’s see how you scored. Just one right from eleven and you pass!
Sir,
On 7 December I took part in the Singapore Marathon. Before the event I went to a temporary toilet outside the National stadium and unfortunately overbalanced as I sat over the trench. After a struggle I managed to save myself from falling in but sadly my wallet tumbled into the latrine and submerged in a pit of filth. With a heavy heart I left it there and set off for the race.
After the marathon was over I contacted the organisers and told them what had happened. That very evening a man called Mai Ng turned up at my door and presented me with my wallet which was soiled beyond all imagination. Even now it stinks so badly that it makes me vomit and I cannot keep it in the house. I can only imagine the horrid stench that greeted him when he was ordered to retrieve it! I am deeply touched and hope that Mai Ng recovers soon from his illness.
Yours sincerely
Hoo Flun Dong.
Dear Hoo,
Well, never mind who .. but WHAT?? What of value could possibly be in your wallet, that would survive such an ordeal, and still be use-worthy? How did you possibly recompense poor Mai for his heroic endeavor ? I suspect you offered him naught but condolences.
Should you find you have similar experiences in the future, please keep your story to yourself.
You just spoiled my dinner!
Agnes
Dear Agnes,
My doctor gave me a sealed letter to present to my hospital consultant. Curious both about his reading of my ailment and of his opinion of me, I opened it, read it and resealed it in a new envelope on which I typed the consultant’s name (this originally was hand-written).
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary.
A little-known law which prohibits people dying while in the Houses of Parliament has been voted the
