28 August 2004
Dear Valued Customer,
Further to our letter of 12 April earlier this year, we are delighted to inform you of an exciting new improvement to our services which will take effect immediately.
Being sadly aware of the growing deficit of priests in Ireland, and the subsequent difficulty our customers are currently experiencing in having masses offered for the deceased, special intentions etc and other vital religious services such as confessions, baptisms and even marriages – and in recognition of the many under-employed Catholic clergymen in India and other missionary outposts – Everybank will now offer all these and MORE, across the telephone line!
Our fantastic new Call Centre recently opened in Bacca Beyon, The Keys, Dacca Peninsula, Punjab is now staffed at all times by at least one consecrated pastor who, for a small stipend, will offer prayers for special intentions. We cannot guarantee that he is of your denomination every time, but those things are less relevant than before, aren’t they? You will continue to receive penance, though it will usually be awarded in monetary order debits from your Cashcard accounts.
We anticipate no serious problems in the transfer process but would like to make the following observations, and perhaps appeal to your patience and understanding over what might be considered as early teething problems. Please allow for a 20 second delay as your call is re-routed via satellite 26,000 miles above the Earth! Have no fear, your pastor is near!