You may, if you like, substitute the term Ulster Scots in the article below and scarcely alter the meaning or effect.
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Fun Stuff
Where is Mary?
On the campaign trail George W Bush calls into the primary school for a carefully orchestrated photo-opportunity. What could go wrong? They were not yet teenagers.
‘Would anyone like to ask me questions?’
‘I have two questions,’ said sweet little Mary, with an innocent smile.
‘Yes, petal, what are they?’ he smiles back benignly.
‘Why did we invade Iraq? And why are you President when you broke all your promises?’
Just then the break bell went and everyone filed out to the yard for morning recess. When they returned a short time later, Bush was back at the podium.
‘Does anyone have any questions for me now?’ he asks innocently.
‘I have four questions,’ says little Johnny at the back.
‘O.K.’, says Bush. ‘What are they?’
‘First, why did we invade Iraq? Second, why are you President when you broke all your promises?
Third, why did the recess bell go ten minutes early?
And last, where is Mary?’
Headless Corpse
The criminal charges appeared strangely out of sync with the circumstances that presented themselves to the Cobb County police of Atlanta, Georgia.
‘We are charging him with failure to maintain lanes, with jumping lights and… ah.. yes, and with first degree vehicular homicide.’
‘Hutcherson was so drunk,’ the officer went on, ‘that he had no idea what had happened. He seems genuinely remorseful.
A neighbour called us out this morning after seeing the headless body sitting up in the passenger seat of his truck. Hutcherson was asleep inside in his bed, fully-clothed and covered in blood.
Our detectives had to work out what had happened.’
Apparently with his friend Daniel Brohm, John Hutcherson had spent the entire day drinking. When they finally left the bar Brohm leaned out the passenger door being violently sick. The drunk driver veered across the road onto the verge where a telegraph pole was fastened to the ground by a steel hawser. The latter decapitated Brohm without Hutcherson noticing. He drove home another twelve miles before stumbling out and into his bed. Asked to explain, Corporal Pierce added,
‘We found the decapitated head twelve miles back at the side of the road and there were blood streaks on the hawser. It’s hard to believe that anyone could drive a further twelve miles without realizing his passenger had lost his head… literally.
Without witnesses we don’t know if any charges will stick. I mean, nobody saw him weaving through lanes or jumping lights. Could he have intended his friend’s death on that hawser? Who knows?’
Earth Measurement
Few people today would have an inkling of how to measure the earth’s circumference and then diameter. Yet Eratosthenes did just that with astonishing accuracy more than two thousand, two hundred and thirty-six years ago.
Job applicants?
Our client, a leading multi-national company has commissioned the services of our esteemed firm of solicitors, Bea Hartless, Sue Daly & Robin Fleezia ……….
The Cruellest Snip
I confess to scepticism over the need for these Assertiveness Courses.
[I assume you heard of the two nuns leaving the college? One turned to the other and remarked, ‘Mother Superior, aren’t these Self Assertion Classes just f***ing great?’].
Remember Bigus Dickus?
Father Foster was compiling a modern Latin Dictionary.
‘It may be defunct as a spoken language, but it’s still the official language of the Catholic Church,’ the good cleric asserted.
‘There are hundreds of modern terms that have no equivalent in Latin so I have compiled the ‘Lexicon Recentis Latinitatis’.
Vote Wyatt, She won’t be quiet!
A topical issue right now, elections, and there are many lessons for our legislators, administrators and indeed candidates from the story of Dorothy Wyatt, Councillor in St John’s, Newfoundland.
Miracles take a little longer
Reading of Euro election coverage I learned that Robert Kiljoy Silk, the Arab baiter, was standing for the Independence Party supported by actress Joan Collins.