Tent-sized knickers

Dear Agnes

Why is it that as a woman’s age increases chronologically, her girth swells geometrically and her knickers size exponentially?


You’re a woman, aren’t you? You must know!

When we first met, my then girlfriend’s knickers were ladies’ hanky size – when she bothered to wear any (ah, the good old days!) but since she became my wife they have billowed until they now fill a whole washing-line on their own. One pair, that is! And now the elastic reaches up to her armpits!

We no longer need to pack a tent when we go camping!

Indeed I have now lost my fear of flying for I know that in an emergency, she could whip them off and we’d both float gently to the ground by clinging on to the elastic!

Indeed, I’m told that recycled army parachutes’ silk is used to manufacture outsize bloomers for matronly ladies.

Is this true?

Yours sincerely

Major Fred Fortesque


Dear Fred,

When last I checked, I noticed that I was still a woman, yes!

The elasticised ends of your wife’s knickers mark the boundaries beyond which you may no longer reach! Just above the knee at one extreme and, as you say, the armpits at the other!

Never again for you that thrill of wondering, when your fingers touch the bare skin at the top of those silk stockings, whether there are pants in place at all to hinder your probing fingers!

You’re not getting it now! And you’re not getting it ever again!

Hard cheese, Major!


Leave a Comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.