Logical Deduction

Reasoning Tests 

If you are suffering from withdrawal symptoms since these were abandoned from your children’s grammar school entry examinations, here’s a few to amuse you.  You ought to score more than 60% correct!

1                 To succeed at academic examinations it is necessary to study.  Therefore if a student works hard in a particular subject, he or she should do well when it comes to the examination.

Which of the following best describes the flaw in this argument?

A         It assumes that it is necessary to study in order to succeed

B          It overestimates the value of study in preparation for examinations

C         It ignore the fact that some subjects are more academic than others

D         It assumes that studying hard is a sufficient condition for academic success

E          It ignore the fact that some students don’t need to study much to succeed

2                    A solid cube has twelve sides.  If all eight corners are sliced away while leaving part of each original edge intact, how many edges has the new solid?

A         12

B          24

C         32

D         36

E          44

 

3          One in 1000 people in Britain is estimated to be a carrier of the potentially fatal liver disease hepatitis B, although this estimate is probably far too low. There should be a mass vaccination programme to eradicate this disease.  Seventy five countries carry out such a programme and including hepatitis B in Britain’s existing vaccination programme would be a simple matter.

The main objection has been the cost.  At present each shot of the vaccine costs

Good Evening, Ladies!

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During the War (WW2) three ‘working girls’ from Hull were short of customers – what with all the young men being away in Europe – so they combined their resources and opened a fish & chip shop.  All went well until the German blitz began and their fish store received a direct hit.  In explanation, they erected a sign in the window:

 

FOR SOME TIME, FISH WILL BE LITTLER – BLAME MR HITLER !

 

Things began to pick up, when unfortunately they were hit again, this time the potato shed receiving the brunt.  A new sign went up:

 

FOR A WHILE, CHIPS WILL BE SIMILIAR – BLAME MR HIMMLER !

 

The third bolt from the blue (literally) demolished the fish & chip shop entirely.  The sign then read:

 

GONE BACK TO WHORING – BLAME MR GOERING !

 

*******************

 

Linda Robson, actress from Birds of a Feather was recently the victim of a mugging at her home in London.  As she stepped into the street from her front door, a boy on a mountain bike struck her on the face and snatched the bag she was carrying.

 

‘He may be in for a surprise’, she explained.  ‘I had just cleaned up after my new puppy that is not yet house-trained.  I was about to dispose of the bag in a skip outside my home’.

 

*******************

 

The teacher was reported to government authorities for cruelty.  The Moroccan official was less than sympathetic towards the moaning parents or the little delinquents. 

 

‘She warned the boys she would throw them out of the window if they were not quiet.

 

They did not listen.  They should have listened.’

 

Ah, the good old days!

 

********************

 

You have seen your own favourite examples of Lonely Hearts ads in newspapers.  There are almost half a million lonely German farm workers.  An internet dating service (www.landflirt.de) has adverts tailored to their needs.  One ad makes clear their need:

‘Wanted: young woman who likes early mornings, inclement weather and the smell of animal waste products.’ 

 

It seems to work.  The man who placed this ad said,

‘I’ve found the woman of my life’.

 

Then there is this one taken from a provincial Irish newspaper.

 

‘Teacher, single, male, mid-forties, tall, attractive, own home, seeks lady teacher, ex-religious (Mercy), 36-44 years.  Confidential.’

 

Well, I suppose if you know exactly what you want, you should go for it!

 

*****************

 

As you’re reading this from the Internet, you’ve probably heard about eBay, the internet auction site where almost everything is on offer.  Try it.  If the seller uses the site often, he/she has been given a rating, which is something to go by.

 

Anyway a Russian buyer has bid

Explain this if you can!

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It must be galling for our local magistrates to have to listen to some defence lawyers’ appeals on behalf of incorrigible offenders. 

 

‘They were acting completely out of character .. come from a solid and stolid family … had ingested excess alcohol … have since seen the light .. families committed to assisting them .. sworn to put their lives in order.’

 

Rarely have any of our solicitors had to face a task as formidable as that of Gary Newbury defending twenty-five-year-old Jamie Williams of Glamorgan.  Police investigating a house break-in found him cowering in an attic. 

 

The bottom half of his body was covered in blue ink and nothing else, neither underwear or trousers.  On top he wore the pink, shiny nightie of the lady homeowner and at his feet was a black, lacy all-in-one female body suit.  In his pocket was a torn white bra and stuck on his foot was a used condom.

 

Mr Newbury explained that he had broken into the house with theft on his mind.  Things then took a bizarre twist.  He accidentally knocked something over on a shelf and found himself covered in an inky substance.  Naturally he took off his saturated clothes.  He grabbed some of the homeowner’s clothes to mop up the ink, but only succeeded in smearing it over himself.

 

Hearing the police arriving he naturally put on the pink nightdress to cover himself and stuffed the other garments in his pockets.  He had no idea how a used condom had come to be stuck to his feet.

 

‘This incident has been a painful lesson to my client.  He has had to endure ridicule, smirking and name-calling.  He has had to do a great deal of explaining to his family and friends.’

 

To his credit, Mr Newbury delivered this explanation with aplomb.  Still Williams was jailed for four months. 

 

 

Read moreExplain this if you can!

Filly for sale?

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Dear Agnes

I’m relying on your discretion here, so don’t let me down.

I made my first fortune a few generations  ago, and as well as money it gained me a fine filly.  She soon turned fat and flabby and distinctly self-centred and after a few years she scarpered, taking the childer and a large share of my wealth with her. 

The border here was a great thing then for smuggling cattle both ways and claiming export credits on both sides.   So my problem is two-fold:  what will I smuggle over the new soft-hard border, to restore my economic standing:  and what’s the going price nowadays for a new, fresh wee filly?

I’m older now, I admit, but I still have a lot to offer.  Everything’s still in fine working order, if you get my drift!  I’m not a choosey man:  she can be any colour, race or nationality, provided she has all her own parts and a nice firm body.

Advise me please.  Stay away from the fags, drugs, diesel and cattle.  I’m the expert there, if you know what I mean!  If I go into the people smuggling, do you imagine I’d come across a suitable filly, all for myself?

Yours in expectation.

Ebenezer Screws.

Eb,

You probably think your pseudonym  (no more Screws, for you, pervert!) and withholding your address protects your anonymity – but I have news for you! 

We have already traced your location through your URL  (never mind what it means – you’re too old and twisted to understand, even if it was explained to you.)

Listen for the knock on the door, idiot!  That’d be the Garda (yes, we know you’re in the Kilcurry area. )  They are working with full cooperation with the PSNI, who are currently caging your wee hideout in Culloville, across that ‘hard-soft’ border.

See you in Court, you old goat!

Agnes

Old Bill at the Door

Boris Johnston Cocaine

Now Boris was starting to warm to his task
He considered his team, and who he might ask –
First, scores to be settled, he’d ring Donald Tusk
To tell him he stinks like the wild deer musk –
That back-stabbing Gove, who betrayed him last time
He’d make Brexit chief and post him off to the Rhine
The poisoned chalice he now would imbibe
And quickly discover he’d no place to hide.

Fatigued from his labours, Bojo suggested a lay
To Carly, but surely it wasn’t his day
‘Get off me, you hobo, and out of my flat
I’d sooner do anything other than that!’
From a nearby apartment, Tom Penn heard her call
And contacted Old Bill – who appeared in the hall.
Hello! Hello! Hello! said Old Bill to Bojo
When she tells you to leave, then you just gotta go!

Now the future Prime Minister started at that
And took a quick glance around her luxury flat ..
Cripes! Jolly Hockey Sticks! Don’t you know who I am?
If I cared to I could post you to far-off Siam!!
But Carly was keen to avoid this disgrace
So she put the Met Officer back in his place
Bojo she banished to sleep in the bath
And the officer showed out down the short garden path.

… more later …

Roast Leg

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At one time it would have been deemed an ‘act of God’. 

That then would be a particularly harsh judgement on the Almighty.

The family car was travelling through the night and far from anywhere when Pallop Thachao was caught short.  They pulled over to the verge and let him out.  He stood beneath an electricity pole and began to urinate.  Suddenly there was a flash of light.

His family feared the worst.  They searched for him in the darkness but all they found was ashes.  Strangely his artificial leg was still standing upright, all by itself, with the foot welded to the ground and smoke coming from the top.

The police chief explained. 

‘It was the leg that did it.  He might have survived but his prosthetic leg was a strong conductor of electricity. 

There was a heavy rainstorm last night and ground water collected around the pole. 

An exposed cable was in contact with the water and the stream of urine completed an electrical circuit.

This incident demonstrates the folly of urinating near electrical equipment,

especially during the rainy season’, he added, rather needlessly, I thought. 

And heartlessly.

In any case, consider yourself well warned!

 

Read moreRoast Leg

Bojo Rides Again!

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In Camberwell, East, where the money tree grows
Bozo was snorting coke straight up his nose
Bleary-eyed, belching and spilling red wine
Till suddenly he heard his mate, Carly’s sad whine
“You’re so vain, Bozo, you filthy aul Turk
Why don’t you go find some real honest work.
Put away your Johnson, Boris de Pfeffel
-Surely a clue there – for you talk only waffle.”

But through the grey mists of his drug-induced dream
Bozo had visions of pastures supreme
Sunny meadows and blue skies, of a resurgent Britain –
At least England and Wales – he wasn’t quite certain
Of the threacherous Picts, under that tasty girl salmon
-In every intrigue, yer wan had a hand-in –
Or the rebellious Irish, the O’Neills of the Fews
Brought nothing but heartache and ugly fake news.

A wall! A wall! A massive great wall
Will sort that lot out, I’ll give Donald a call
And Leo will pay for it, of that I’m quite certain
From Derry to Dundalk, an inpenetrable curtain!
Then we’ll reinforce Hadrian, right up to the sky
No treasonable Scot again, will ever get by
Seize the Aberdeen oil-fields, refinery and all
But to get there we’ll have to erect a SEA WALL.

…. more here …

Act of God

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I hesitated to ascribe the previous story to an ‘act of God’. Not so this one. 


 

‘The hillside was a well-known area for young lovers,’ explained the police chief. ‘Unfortunately it also attracts voyeurs spying on their antics.

These three men were peeping toms who liked to hide in an old broken-down hut, in which they had installed a high-powered telescope. Yesterday afternoon all three were watching a young couple having sex in their car. They were so engrossed that they failed to notice an electrical storm had begun.
 

A bolt of lightning struck the telescope’s metal casing. All three were hit at the same time and only survived because they shared the impact of the super-high voltage. All three suffered serious burns to their hands and legs and could not talk for hours from shock.

We let them off with a caution. They had been punished enough.

I don’t know about the young couple, but I believe the earth moved for these three’, he added, rather unsympathetically.

Read moreAct of God

Irish Politics Simplified

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Ireland is an island to the west of Britain.  Britain is an island to the West of Europe.  Britain comprises England, Wales and um … um … No.  Wait.  There’s a referendum pending.  Can I come back to you on the question of just what Britain is?

Some people in the North of Ireland refer to the Mainland … by which they mean Britain (whatever that is!).  The people of Rathlin, the only inhabited island off the coast of Northern Ireland would never talk thus: though they are the only ones entitled to talk about the Mainland (if they did, they would mean Ireland, not Britain).  Are you following me so far?

The fanatically loyal people refer to Norn Iron, petrol-bomb the police (and British Army, when they were on the streets), loudly proclaim their ‘culture’ by which they mean the Butcher’s Apron (sometimes known as the Union Flag, which is the banner of disunity); stomp outside Churches,  as good Prodesants, loudly yelling that they’re ‘up to our necks in Fenian blood’, a claim few could deny;  defy the democratic will of the people, North and South; assault all moderates, especially those on their ‘own side’, i. e. Alliance; join paramilitaries and insist on their credentials as democrats. They win headlines all over the world for their violence and fanaticism: and complain bitterly about being ignored. I hope you’re writing this down?  You’ll never remember it!

Approximately one third of Irish people (those that don’t live abroad, that is  … a diminishing fraction, since mass emigration resumed, this decade) live in Northern Ireland – which is actually six of the thirty-two counties, located mainly in the North-East!  The other twenty-six comprises the Republic of Ireland (not recognised as such by Irish Republicans, who prefer to know it, sarcastically, as the Free State.  They believe it is anything but FREE!).    The Norn Iron Loyalists want the Border between these two entities sealed, but no one can find it, or remember where it is!  Anyway, where would you get that much sticky tape?  They insist they comprise an overwhelming majority in Norn Iron, but are actually a significant minority.

Martin McGuinness, formerly PIRA leader, now Deputy First Minister of Northern Ireland, insists on describing himself still as a Republican, though he daily administers British Rule in Ireland.  He is opposed in this by the IRA – formerly the Real IRA and the Continuity IRA and … well, you get the drift.  They – his former comrades, friends and relations – insist on their right to oppose the British by force of arms: a thing Martin would never do!  Well, never do NOW!  He believes we are all basking in the comfort, wealth and prosperity that his Peace Process has delivered!  He also believes in the Tooth Fairy.

The capital of Ireland is Dublin. It has a population of over a million people, all of whom are now scanning the Internet in search of work in Australia.  Most are migrants already – from the Western Seaboard, a derelict, deprived and desolate place, owned by foreigners and studded with empty million-euro homes that are only half-finished.  Daniel O’Donnell is chieftan of this lost tribe.  Unable to feed or clothe them, he contents himself by singing ballads to them.  In this task he is aided by Dana, an OAP waif who really wants to be President.  To buy goods they use a currency called the Euro, which is one step up from Monopoly money.

Under the Irish constitution, ‘The North’ used to be in Ireland  but a very successful 30+ year campaign of violence for Irish unity ensured that it is now most definitely in the UK .  Even the ‘Republicans’ accept that! Had the campaign lasted any longer the North might now be in Germany.  Indeed in a very real sense it is, since they are the only Europeans not in deficit – and therefore keeping us all afloat … if only just.

Belfast is the capital of Northern Ireland. It has a population of half a million, half of whom own houses in Donegal (and therefore come under the aegis of the said Daniel (see above)).  Donegal is in the north of Ireland but not in Northern Ireland. It is in the South.  Even though it’s the most northerly county of Ireland.  Are you still paying attention?

There are two parliaments in Ireland.  The Dublin parliament is called the Dáil (pronounced “Doyle”, as in Mrs Doyle from Father Ted … [Ach, ye will!  You will, you will, you will!]) an Irish word meaning a place where banks receive taxpayers’ money in truck-loads.  The Bank was formerly owned by Sean Quinn, a self-made multi-billionaire, just out of debtor’s jail for bringing the whole contry into ruination.  The one in Belfast is called Stormont, an Anglo-Saxon word meaning ‘placebo’, or deliberately ineffective drug.  It is run by a Secretary of State from Westminster who must pretend to ‘share power’ with Martin and Peter.  Peter is married to the Wicked Witch of the North, who imposes chastity on others while sleeping with under-age boys herself.   Martin and Peter tour the world at our expense, in search of jobs (they are the only people with jobs in the North themselves).

Their respective jurisdictions are defined by the border, an imaginary line on the map to show fuel launderers where to dump their chemical waste and by-products.

Prodesants are in favour of the border, which generates millions of pounds in smuggling for Catholics, who are actually totally opposed to it.

Travel between the two states is complicated because Ireland is the only country in the world with two M1 motorways. The one in the North goes West to avoid the south of Ireland and the one in the South goes north to avoid the high price of drink – and all other commodities in the South!

We have two types of democracy in Ireland. Dublin democracy works by holding a referendum and then allowing the government to judge the result when they don’t like it. If the government thinks the result is wrong, they will hold the referendum again until the people get it right. Twice in recent years the government decided the people’s choice was wrong and ordered a new referendum.  Governments change more frequently than most people change their socks!    Before elections, parties promise the moon and the stars: and deliver hell on earth when elected.  The present Tainaiste told Vincent Brown on TV recently not to believe a word he says before elections:  we all make wild promises we have no intention of keeping, he sniggered.  This system is called democracy.

Belfast democracy works differently.  It has a parliament with no opposition, so the government is always right. This system generates envy in many world capitals, especially in Dublin.

Ireland has three economies – northern, southern and black. Only the black economy is actually in the black. The other two are in the red.  Talking of Black … in the North, Blackmen are Orange: no blacks allowed to join the Black Brethern!

All versions of the IRA claim to be the real IRA but only one of them is the real IRA.  It’s so real, it feels it no longer needs to add that sobriquet.  The North’s biggest industry is the production of IRAs.  Consequently, we now have the Provisional, 32 county, Continuity and Real IRA. The IRA is by far the most popular among young graffiti writers simply because it is the easiest to spell.

Daniel’s Seat